Harvest and Judgement

Harvest is part of judgement, and judgement part of harvest.


Seek the LORD and live,
or he will sweep through the house of Joseph like a fire;
it will devour,
and Bethel will have no one to quench it.

Seek good, not evil,
that you may live.
Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you,
just as you say he is.

Hate evil, love good;
maintain justice in the courts.
Perhaps the LORD God Almighty will have mercy
on the remnant of Joseph.

--Amos 5:6,14-15

I have heard it said in some quarters that we are living in the end times because the world seems to be hurtling towards its doom, and apparently the 'signs of the age' are increasingly manifest.

Not that I disagree about the signs of the age, but nonetheless I can't help wondering what's so different about this age compared to the ages before. I'm sure the Roman Inquisition was no less horrifying than the Holocaust, nor the Crusades less terrible than the War on Terror.

The call of God in Amos has echoed throughout history and echoes still: seek the Lord, seek good, seek justice.

Do horses run on the rocky crags?
Does one plow there with oxen?
But you have turned justice into poison
and the fruit of righteousness into bitterness--

you who rejoice in the conquest of Lo Debar
and say, "Did we not take Karnaim by our own strength?"

--Amos 6:12-13

According to the NIV text note, 'Lo Debar' means 'nothing' and 'Karnaim' means 'horn', which here symbolises strength.

I am inclined to agree with Alissa that evil is less an entity on its own (as in an 'evil act' perpetrated) and more a matter of a 'wrong good' done. Amos 6:12 illustrates the perversion of the natural order of things and I think this harmonises with the thrust of Genesis, which is that sin and all that we know as evil traces its roots to the corruption of that which was meant for good.

And the line that immediately follows in verse 13 puts it bluntly, in an almost Ecclesiastical manner: "you who rejoice in the conquest of 'nothing'..."

We who build our own castles in the air and boast of our strength, in the face of the fact that what we build today can be so easily torn down tomorrow. And Jesus was clear about this in His teachings on storing our treasures and seeking the Kingdom of God.


Reading Amos over the last few days has been an enriching and sobering process. I am being reminded of God's original purpose for creation and the promise of restoration. And I am being encouraged even to live for Him in this in-between time.

The futility of Israel's attempts to keep itself afloat is also our futility, and it is good to know that our hope and security and future is in One whose strength is not our strength, whose call is unflinchingly severe yet full of grace; and for whom we were created that we may seek Him and live, that we may turn from our ways and our strivings and learn to breathe and live in Him.

Peace

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord
sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

Psalm 3:5-6

I don't have much to say this week; I would just like to thank God for sustaining me through the exams and giving me the assurance of victory. It's not the same as success. He hasn't promised great results as if I didn't have to work for it. But more like victory over the tens of thousands of anxieties that crop up daily for the compulsive temperament; victory over the fears and confounded perfectionism that kept me from writing complete essays in timed exams.

This peace is so valuable, and yet, looking back at my life I realise just how much time I spent running away from it, seeking "better" things that I thought would make me happy, if only I had them. I spent disproportionately more time on studies and no time on praying. I seemed to be doing a lot of running around, chasing butterflies that wouldn't be caught. I'm still learning how to be still, to stop and look at Christ, trusting that he will provide all that I need for the day.

Ephesians 1:19-21

"and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 2ar above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."

i don't have much to share. but this verse helped me a lot when i was facing a spiritual attack about a month ago-- that the power that raised Christ from the dead is the power that is in me. i was and still am very much encouraged. in many things i fear, but what to say? i have Christ in me. what more should i fear?

i can only say that "i love my God." through all that has been happening, only His love sustains me. His promises i hold dear because by them i gain comfort and strength to carry on...

Immeasurably More

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

--Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)


I think I am at times prone to underestimating God. Not the sort of underestimating in which I doubt if God can perform some great miracle, but the sort in which I wonder if God can really provide just enough grace for the nearest challenge, the struggle at hand.

The subtle day-to-day trials, the all-too-human conflicts and the overfamiliar grind--all of which never seem to need God's involvement. And it seems so easy to apply myself to these without thinking that God is necessary in facing them, let alone capable of helping me overcome them in ways I can barely imagine.

Usually I have an idea, and then, in no particular order, I find a verse to help express that idea within a Biblical framework and a picture to accompany it. This time the idea came last. I was fiddling with the picture when it suddenly seemed to convey metaphorically an answer to a thought that arose in an argument yesterday. Finally the verse came and linked it all together.

What the picture said to me was this: If a chef can make all sorts of delicious masterpieces (of art as much as taste; and believe me, nearly all restaurants in that part of KL serve miniscule but meticulously--and often perfectly--prepared portions!) out of the basest of ingredients, then can't God do the same with the base elements of my--our--daily experiences?

This isn't a new revelation, but a reminder, for I all too easily forget. The chef knows how to cook. Another word that has kept recurring (from those Frederick Buechner essays) is trust. And it isn't hard to see the connection. To believe the chef is capable is to trust the chef.

To trust the chef, not with my life, but with the food that is a part of my life. To trust God, not so much with my life itself, but with the ones who are so much a part of my life as well. And to trust Him with the one who is, perhaps a little more than all the others, a part of the very heart of me.


(Photo taken on 6 November 2007 at EEST Restaurant, Westin Hotel Kuala Lumpur.)

Imagination and Faith

Isaiah 65:2

"All day long I have held out my hands
to an obstinate people,
who walk in ways not good,
pursuing their own imaginations--"

In my younger years I intentionally stayed away from the arts. Apart from practical considerations and a liking for science, I stayed away because I sensed a deep fracture between imagination and spirituality, and I was afraid. Imagination by itself as an abstract concept is morally neutral, but since the time of Eve it has been used to imagine a world without God that could be better than what God has provided. But how can you add to infinity? As SimianD has put it, is there more than God's calling us to do all that we can do in His infinite Spirit?

The arts world at large is given over to creating and interpreting a world without God. My introductory lit module is on modernity, so lectures week by week are about the absence of God and the failure of self-empowerment to create, failure to create a self-identity, failure to commemorate loss--failure, in fact, to be who we imagine ourselves to be. At the same time, we celebrate the agony and ecstasy of an indomitable imagination. This is how G.K Chesterton eloquently phrases the frustration of self-discovery:

We have all read in scientific books, and, indeed, in all romances, the story of the man who has forgotten his name. This man walks about the streets and can see and appreciate everything; only he cannot remember who he is. Well, every man is that man in the story. Every man has forgotten who he is. One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego; the self more distant than any star. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God; but thou shalt not know thyself. We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
(G.K Chesterton, Orthodoxy: The Romance Of Faith)

Whether it is about rediscovering, uncovering, redefining or deconstructing the past, present, future, duration or eternal moment, the arts reaches out for that word at the tip of the tongue, that glimpse of grey fluff at the corner of the eye (1), that person whose face is an elusive blur. And so, in reaction to Old Religion's attempts to impose a limiting definition that homogenizes humanity, artists, philosophers and scientists have broken out in various directions, striking out on paths of our own making.

To tell the truth, I'd have given up already if I had to find my identity through religion--gone and lived a bohemian lifestyle or something in reaction to all the religious stuff I had to do in the past. Let's face it, the Church can sometimes be as messy as anything out there, so I'm not surprised that many people my age have left it to search for something that fits their imagination, something that might help us recover what we've forgotten, because it looks like the Church is wandering in the private wilderness of its backyard. But we find our identity not through serving, not through being good Christians, but in loving and being loved by Christ. Love--it sounds so soft, but it's deeper than the deepest roots of the mountains that plant their feet into the heart of the earth. It goes beyond the romanticised notions of heroic, noble deaths...many people die nobly and heroically for a good cause, even in this cynical age. I can't get over how Christ would die ignobly for our cause, even when we didn't want or deserve it.

We need to reclaim the arts. Not for Christendom, not for the Church or old jingoism like that. Just to use our imaginations to the fullest potential for Christ. Despite all that the academic world tells me about religion limiting the imagination, I still believe that our greatest freedom is in remembering who we are in Christ--a free people no longer thrall to sin. So here I am, fearfully on the brink of the arts world, wondering how to bridge this mental chaos so that spirit and imagination are not sheared in separate directions, wondering how to read and argue through modern and postmodern ideas without losing myself or my faith.

Notes:

1. Imagery taken from Sula by Toni Morrison.

Reflections on Prayer

The following is my attempt at making sense of various thoughts and threads that have occupied my mind over the last two weeks or so.

It was written as an open letter to the Christian Fellowship's mailing list, but I've made some edits for d'NAer readership here.


Calling

For He says to Moses, “I WILL HAVE MERCY ON WHOM I HAVE MERCY, AND I WILL HAVE COMPASSION ON WHOM I HAVE COMPASSION.”

So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy.

On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it?

Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?...

~ Romans 9:15-16, 20-21 (NASB)


So I’m the new Prayer Coordinator for the PKVUM (Persaudaraan Kristian Varsiti UM).

As I reflect on God’s calling in this area, I think of Jesus’ words to His disciples, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” (Mark 6:31b)

The disciples had come to Him and reported all they had done and taught. Naturally, the crowds also followed and they were so busy with ministry that they did not have a chance to eat (Mark 6:30-31). That is when Jesus called them to solitude.

Henri Nouwen points out that the literal translation of the words ‘pray always’ is ‘come to rest’ (Greek hesychia) and that a hesychast is ‘a man or a woman who seeks solitude and silence as the ways to unceasing prayer.


Experience

Since becoming Prayer Coordinator, I’ve ‘headed’ two activities: the midnight prayer at DTC (Dewan Tunku Canselor) and the three-day morning prayer meetings at KPS (Kompleks Perdanasiswa, i.e. Student Centre). What have I learnt from these?

At DTC, we gathered at the porch while the votes (for the student elections) were being counted. The Aspirasi (pro-Government) squad had not arrived yet, but Gagasan (pro-Opposition) supporters were already there chanting away (as they always do). It was unfortunate that when Aspirasi arrived, they could only blow whistles in a vain attempt to silence Gagasan.

Contrast that with the voice of prayer. We were nowhere as loud as Gagasan or as cacophonous as Aspirasi, yet in our prayer we believe we move the hands of God. We prayed for a just vote count, and Siew Yong (a PKV CG leader from the Science Faculty) pointed out to me that this was the first time in her experience that there was a revote and recount.

Did God answer our prayer?

If at DTC our battle was against the noisy world, then at KPS is was a battle against the sleeping world. It was hard, no doubt, to wake up early for prayer. By the grace of God I did not return to sleep having been awoken by my handphone alarm!

In total 21 came over three days, representing various colleges, faculties, universities (Suit Lin’s friend June from UKM) and even continents (our African brother Evans)!


What Some Said

“It’s a good shift from the routing of saying ‘hi’ first and praying later.”

“It’s true we always tend to think of agendas first.”

“It was my first time sleeping early in many weeks.”

“…coming together in prayers and sharing God’s word—you don’t know gives me joy.”


Prayer so far seems to me a sort of turning of our backs on the rhythm of the world. But the passage in Matthew 6 suggests that prayer can also be at times a turning of our backs on the rhythm of the church. When Jesus called His disciples away, they were in the thick of ministry. Could it be that even in prayer meetings we might forget to pray (i.e. in the hesychastic rather than the shopping-list sense)?


Deeper

…And prayer is more
Than an order of words, the conscious occupation
Of the praying mind, or the sound of the voice praying.

~ T.S. Eliot, from ‘Little Gidding’


A question that has come to mind recently is that of how God can listen not just to millions of people praying at once, but possible thousands praying in different tongues. Just to take one example from my experience, Sunday prayer meetings at 3rd College have been like that, with half of us praying in Mandarin and the other half in English.

Surely then prayer is truly more than ‘an order of words’ as Eliot wrote. Again the hesychastic theme recurs; perhaps prayer is more than sharing and asking, and involves a whole lot of being in God’s presence and of resting in Him who created rest for us.


Challenge

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings…

~ Philippians 3:10 (NIV)


Pastor Henny Sim of SIBPJ asked last Sunday (7 Oct), “Beranikan kita berdoa, ‘Jika saya bersalah, hukumlah saya’? Tetapi melalui hukuman Tuhan kita akan mengenali-Nya.”

To ask that we may share in Christ’s sufferings is to ask to be punished for sin, isn’t it? For Christ suffered for our sins, so to share in His sufferings would mean to ask not just to share in His sufferings for our sins, but also to suffer for the sins of others.


Maybe I’m out on a theological limb here, but just follow me for awhile.

The Pharisees used to have over 600 Sabbath laws, if I remember correctly, and many Christians believe that the New Covenant inaugurated by Christ is an exhortation to obey not the letter of the law, but the spirit of the law. I think they are correct in saying that, but not always aware of what it means.

Christ doesn’t make it easier to obey God, but harder. For instance, do we really understand what it means to obey the spirit of the Sabbath? It’s harder than 600 laws, because the Spirit of God is infinite. At least with 600 laws there’s a limit to what you can’t do. But with the Spirit of God, He calls us to do all that we can do.

The law of the Pharisees was built upon the idea that God would judge based on the evil we do (or don’t do). True enough, for a law of precepts and rules can do only that. But Christ makes it clear that He will judge us also by the good that we fail to do (see Matthew 25:41-46).

So it is harder to obey the spirit of the law simply because we are refusing to be judged by a finite system, and choosing instead to be judged by an infinite God. Talk about jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire; if we cannot even meet the demands of the law, how can we possible survive before the living God?


Baby Steps

I first read Nouwen’s The Way of the Heart in Alor Star. It was one of the most remarkable journeys of my life so far, initiated by the simple fact that SooT couldn’t come for d’NA that year [Stage 3, 2005].

It was also the longest journey I’d ever undertaken (nearly 11 hours by train; I know that can’t match David’s overnighter at the airport!), and I learnt that sometimes the most remarkable transformations take place when the journey is long.

This is for the night I locked Shern Ren out of the room.

This is for the conversation with Tee Ming in the train’s buffet coach.

This is for the prayer on the Alor Star platform at dusk.


Two years down the road, who would’ve guessed that I would possibly be heading a unit/department in which I am nothing but a child?

Here I am, knowing next to nothing about prayer, but learning a little every day. Here I am, hoping to make a difference of some sort in the lives of PKVians and the students of UM at large.


I surrender all
My silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow
Costs me everything

I surrender all
My human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

~ chorus of Clay Crosse’s ‘I Surrender All’


God has been merciful. Indeed the potter has the right over the clay.

This song has always challenged me, and it always comes back whenever the prospect of building a ‘kingdom’ looms near. I think in my immediate context, letting my kingdoms fall and surrendering all would mean learning to let God lead prayer and, harder still, learning to lead others that we may together let God lead our prayer.

But the Potter knows what He’s doing, so I’ll trust Him.

I have to.


Remember me as we walk together.

Weary and Refreshed; Joyful and Hanging in There

I am tired. Physically, I just ran at top speed for half a mile, chasing a Resident Assistant from my dorm, to give him a dripping-wet hug after playing in a fountain in the rain. (He wouldn't join the rest of us Barnabai and RAs.) Emotionally and mentally, I'm even more so. I've poured my heart and mind into Barnabas, into planning, organizing, and connecting. The constant awareness of that role and identity is challenging and exciting, but it can feel like such a heavy burden - though I was never supposed to bear the brunt of the load.

I was blessed with an amazingly refreshing weekend. God stepped in and gave me a break when I needed it - canceling a floor retreat and freeing up almost two days worth of time for me. And my mentor ordered me to rest. It was time spent in solitude, and time spent sharing my heart with some fellow Barnabas and with some close friends. And the ministry time I put in over that weekend - God sent people my way that (as Paul sometimes wrote in his letters) refreshed my heart.

Even with that rest, I find it hard to remain in that place of rest. I've been going through this day happy, joyful even. Smiling and telling people of how good God has been to me. Yet, even in the joy, I wonder if more weekends could be like the last, if I didn't have so much to do. And, I wonder what this Barnabas is going to do this week - how he is going to put in his fifteen plus hours, and how many of those hours will be effective, meaningful, hours. It is hard to give up control of that over to God.

And so, as I work on this thing called joy, as I learn to anticipate the day and week ahead in the light of God's goodness and faithfulness, I find myself vacillating often and wildly between peace and weariness. I've learned to leave behind much of my usual prolonged stress and worry. I still find it difficult to fill that with joy, laughter, and anticipation. I often find myself just hanging on, not sure how long more I can take this.

But God is good. He has not let me down. He has picked me up over and over again, and allowed me to experience some of the first-fruits of my service to Him. And, because of His love and faithfulness, I will continue my journey, I will seek Him out, I will look forward with insuppressible hope to His lavish banquet table.

And I will live in such a way that reflects that.

baby steps

Let us say that the first of october was the start of my attempt to rebuild the spiritual disciplines which I used to hold quite strongly to.

The first discipline I am trying to build is that of patience, and a little self-forgiveness. Looking at the past two days, without patience I think I would have just given up and declared myself a failure. So far my room looks as if someone ransacked it (I really want to have a neat room). I had two essays due and had written all my research on pink 4 by 6 notecards. Now they are strewn all over the place. Just imagine someone of my organisational capability attempting to write the bibliography....i took almost the same amount of time to write my essay! Miraculously I have not lost my cool once. It is really God's grace that I didn't burst into tears when I found out yesterday, two hours before the deadline, that I had not met the formal requirements for my sociology essay.









This is what I would normally have felt like, under such, but instead, I was peaceful and calm. I would normally also feel very angry with myself, for being so absent-minded that I somehow missed reading the file on essay requirements.

I am glad. I would really like to have a great essay and good grades, etc. etc. But I also need sleep and a regular schedule (I am prone to getting depressed near the end of the year). Perhaps this patience and self-forgiveness thing is basically about surrendering my perfectionism. I know my essays could have been better. But I also know that I couldn't have made them better given the time I had and first-year blurness...and I only know it only from hindsight, anyway. Somehow in the past I always thought that if I knew how to do it better later then I should have done it like that. But mistakes are mistakes and regret does nothing.

So I am learning to be free, and I really thank God for the grace He's given me to live through this week.

Disciplines

A friend recently said she wanted to enjoy her freedom in Christ. To her, it was freedom to do the things which she enjoyed even if they were not necessarily beneficial, such as going out to clubs. I had to accept that.

And I told her I wanted to find my footing in church again and that the new youth leader had challenged me to find an area of service (I have recently stepped down from cell leadership) if I didn't feel comfortable leading a cell anymore. At the start of this year I wanted to be free to do things I wanted to do, like sports and work and read. In the end I found that I may have been happy, but I didn't have joy in what I did. In fact most times I wasn't happy either. Now I know what I really want to do is serve God. My friend said she would have to accept that, that I was becoming more churchified.

Ah, unfortunately the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Can I get back on track? Now that I have a steady internet connection, will I be able to blog as a discipline?

The greater question, perhaps: is having a strict timetable truly impossible in university and does being disciplined mean becoming more rigid? No, I don't think so. I hope that I never become that whitewashed. Let's try to recap the fundamentals of spiritual discipline.

First, spiritual disciplines are not for the sake of themselves but in order to grow closer to God and realise the full extent of our freedom. So being disciplined is like being a sportsperson who trains hard for the game, and orders his or her lifestyle around that sport (diet, exercise, regular sleep, etc) so that he can realise his full potential when he's out on the court.

Disciplines are also not to be used to make oneself seem spiritually superior to others. Judging others and ourselves based on spiritual disciplines is the surest way to becoming an unbending and unhappy church server.

Gee, how do I do this? I don't know. But I will try to blog on the practical aspects of my progress. Blogging about it is a discipline too. heheh.

Musings: When death has a meaning

Isaiah 57:1-2

The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.

In our moment of grief it is difficult to see how even death can be a blessing--at least for the one departed. How long would you want to live in a world full of trials? I think I would want to live long enough to understand what faith means.

Short-changing God

my friends, i've been wanting to write to all of you... life here... i keep struggling. my elder tell me, "Rest in God." i just need to rest in Him and all will be well. and i guess this is what Sabbath is all about-- a day of rest given by Daddy for us to rest and allow Him to be the focus in our lives.

i haven't been studying much due to heavy involvement in my uni moon cake festival. i enjoyed myself much but put aside some 15 lectures. went for CF on wed night and church this whole morning. finally, out of tiredness, i was tempted to skip CF and church to study and to sleep. today is meant to be my Sabbath day, but i was tempted to study, to depend on my own understanding to pur more effort into my studies. everybody else is studying. i haven't been.

it has been difficult for me to strike a balance between studies and God. there's CF, church, then there're activities and sports and spending time with people. i seek to be a blessing to others here. i want to give people what Daddy has given me-- the love, comfort, family, wealth... but in all these, time is needed. do i serve in CF or church or lead bible study or spend time with people to tell them about God's love or sit in my room and study God's Word or join activities to represent God's people?

my friends, i long so much to share God's love. i want people to know that there's a God who loves them. even some Christian don't know that... but there's too much to do. people say, "set priorities." but i don't even know what my priorities are. i need Daddy to speak to me. what does He want me to do for Him?

Musings: a witness to pain

Do you have the courage to admit that you feel life is meaningless and empty? Do you have the humility to admit it to someone who you know might just give you the stock answer about God? Or when the person facing meaninglessness is your friend, do you have the courage to maintain a presence with them? Not to speak of the God of all comfort, but just to be? To be a comfort, to be a person who acknowledges pain, even if you don't feel if yourself--to be a witness to it because in doing that I suppose you bear witness to your friend's life? Like Victor Klemperer who wrote about the Nazi years in his diaries, a collection now called "I Will Bear Witness." That's witnessing. It's not just talking about Jesus. It's about being a witness to the pain.

note: Musings presents alternative views of the alternative life. Not everything should be taken literally, e.g I obviously don't mean that we don't talk about God at all when witnessing.

Where I'm at with Barney

Luke 10:41-42(a) (New International Version)

41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed.

it has been such a long time since i last posted something here. here in kelantan, there are many opportunities to share God's love. some are resistent, some just come along. some just wanna go against us... i pray that i will use this 5 years to the fullest and make an impact on the people in this uni. living here, people really observed every step you take and every move you make. i've come to understand more about how when one of God's children goes somewhere, those around will be blessed as well. because we have God in us.

yet i struggle: medical studies are so tough that it leaves little time even to rest. how much time to invest in God's Word and His work then? how to balance between the role as a medical student and an ambassador of Christ in this campus? surely i cannot be an irresponsible doctor with insfficient knowledge, nor can i spend less time to build up my relationship with God and be a blessing to both Christians and non-Christians. i desire to see my freinds grow in Christ and come to acknowledge Him as their Lord and Saviour. am i wasting time? there are only 5 short years. Daddy, what do you want me to do for You? where and how to start? i don't want to waste time anymore. grant me a vision and a mission...

i pray that i will be faithful to His calling and not easily get discouraged. that i will persevere on no matter what... that i will be single-minded as when Christ walked this earth. i just need to know how to juggle between the two responsibilities...

Chapel in the Faculty

The Wednesday Science Faculty Care Group (CG) met at DK3 (Dewan Kuliah--Lecture Hall--3) yesterday.

I have lectures for two subjects there (Life Processes and Biology of Organisms), but it was only yesterday that it struck me that DK3 looks very much like a chapel. If you observe the picture above, the lectern could be the pulpit, and the long table the altar. The overhead projector can be used to display song lyrics.

The seats are technically long benches made of wood, and there's a very pew-like feel about it. Also the cushioned backrests and made of that very same material as the kneeling 'platforms' (I don't know what they're called!).

Oh well, the wonders of imagination.


In discussing the Lord's Prayer during CG, I realised that Satan doesn't obscure knowledge from us as much as he attempts to prevent us from putting that knowledge into practice. And then comes the thinking that the knowledge is sufficient. And then comes the pride and laziness and complacency.

Meeting up for prayer last night, in conjunction with World Students' Week, was good.

I need to pray more. I need to learn to lock myself up in a room and throw everything aside. I need to get up earlier in the morning and pray when all else is still.

I need to be still.

O Lord, help me to be still and wait upon you. In my busy, busy life, help me to be still.

Seeds

Something I wrote on Tuesday. Reproduced below with some edits (none to the content, only sentence structure etc).

* * * * *

Before leaving for 4th College on Monday 13 August [for PKV Junior Visitation], I was talking with How and Chee Seong [CS] about being politically radical and being bold to stand up for what we believe in. Many things, from running independent to Malaysian political system (and how UM politics deviates from it) and a little about CZ [name acronym-ed to protect confidentiality].

Chee Seong (and perhaps Yean Khinn) recently remarked that he seldom sees me study. How thinks I'm a very 'calm & cool' guy. And yesterday, they expressed surprise at my busyness with so many things. CS asked if I can cope.

And then, at one point, perhaps with more insight than I realised, I said I am planting the seeds early, before I get caught up in the momentum of busyness and the whole humdrum uni life routine.

Today while walking back to college after picking my umbrella up from Ann Jie [I'd left it in 9th College the night before], I thought about it again. And I realised a few things:

i) Mercifully, there are five years of secondary school, so although I started [being active] late I could still lay claim to being quite active.

ii) Mercifully, Miss Shanti was my Form 2 class teacher.

iii) Mercifully, she threw me into the deep end: early seeds of present counter-culture attitude.

[I say mercifully, because I wouldn't be where I am if not for all of this. "I nearly didn't miss the train..."]

And in Form 6, I wasn't going to sit still like I did in Form 1 and Form 2. Well, not that I was very still in Form 2, given Scrabble and GK [General Knowledge] quizzes which I used to 'host' in class, thus drawing Miss Shanti's attention, but still...

So now, here in UM, it's only three years. Only twice as long as Form 6. And so, so much that can be done. I'm planting seeds now because next year it will be too late. And studies? Truly I have never stopped studying, and my desire to expand my mind has never waned.

As I asked How and CS, "What do we want our time here to be worth? When we leave, will the void left by How or CS or Ben be felt?"

Well, maybe to seek earthly recognition is not quite right, but you get the idea. So I'm sowing, in hope of a harvest worth the effort and borne by grace.



(Computer 77 at the Science Computer Lab is pretty good! Only downside is that it opens picture files in Adobe ImageReady CS2 and this takes time to start up.)

Discipleship - The Continuous Spritiual Disciplines

A recent conversation with another member of this blog got me thinking again about the approach we take toward discipleship and holy living. In the conversation, I said something to the effect that "everything that takes place in life needs to point us back toward God." That can only happen - and it will necessarily happen - when we see all of life through the lenses of discipleship.

In the Bible, we are called to "pray unceasingly." In the book The Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence writes about living all of life as service unto God. How can this be? We often think that to practice the spiritual disciplines, we need to block time out of "regular" life and devote time and energy toward pursuing these disciplines. That is true of many disciplines, particularly devotion, study, meditation, prayer, silence, fasting...However, all of life can be turned into discipline too.

An 18 hour layover in an airport becomes a silent retreat. Work and study become exercises in faithfulness and joy. The annoying co-worker or classmate presents an opportunity to grow in love and patience. Friendships offer the chance to place others above self. And as we are conscious of using our routine, mundane experiences to grow in our relationship and obedience toward God, we become more aware of the faults we have and of the habitual sins we need to repent of. We also find that the boring things in life develop meaning and purpose. We find that God is interested in the details of our lives we so often dismiss as unimportant.

All of life is discipleship, every activity in life a spiritual discipline.

mostly about not worrying

I have seen how the Africans worship and I like the style.


At that time Jesus said, I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and the intelligent and have revealed them to infants...

--Matthew 11:25-27

Today's Sacred Gateway reading and a conversation with a 2nd-year senior this morning seem to be saying the same thing to me: don't worry, just enjoy uni.

Beverly (an Economics student at my college) is one of the brightest students in her faculty and a banana like me (whee!). Although she says she ought not to be called a banana, as she's very Chinese (i.e. not white), only that she doesn't speak or write Chinese.

Anyway, she took on a whole spread of activities and projects in her first year and still made it to the Dean's List. Talking to her reminds me of myself back in my schooldays. I suppose I've been hanging out with the wrong seniors; most sound like doomsday preachers (OK, maybe that was a little exaggerated, but the idea remains).

And here God has hidden the things of the kingdom from the wise and intelligent and has revealed them to infants. So I am certain it is not fear that will carry me through this year, but the joy of the Lord.

Why should this year be any different from the last fourteen years of my life?


"Let my heart become one with yours."

Thus the daily prayers at Sacred Gateway begin.

"Teach me to have a childlike trust in you."

And thus they end.


Let my heart become one with yours.
Let my heart become one with yours.
Let my heart become one with yours.

(I can already hear an African rhythm for this line!)

Amen.

single-minded devotion

Today on Sacred Gateway, the reading is the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). What stood out today were the opening and closing lines of the parable.

The lawyer asked, "Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

Jesus replied, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbour as yourself."

And then there are the closing words of Jesus, "Go and do likewise."


I have begun reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship. I suppose in a way, it took me some three-and-a-half years to progress from being in the Bonhoeffer group at d'NA to actually picking up a book by the man himself.

Some of you may know that discipleship is a theme that tends to appear quite frequently on my blog. Well, at least more frequently than other themes.

And I find myself wondering, can we reach a point where Jesus is all that matters? UM was an unexpected turn of events. I'd always wanted to go as far as I could and explore something totally new. Yet here I find myself in the midst of the very familiar, and yet also, I believe this is where I am meant to be for now.


There's a song that speaks of rest, of devotion, of encouragement. Which is what I badly need now, having the flu and trying to cope with the early stages of uni life.

Times of refreshing
Here in Your presence
No greater blessing
Than being with You

My soul is restored
My mind is renewed
There's no greater joy Lord
Than being with You

Is there no greater joy than being with our Lord? Sometimes I think I am in UM in order to learn devotion. At times I believe it would be easier for me to seek God in a foreign land and build a new life there.

Maybe that's where the word 'refreshing' comes in. There is nothing particularly 'new' about UM and this environment; yet in the familiar I must seek what I had always been avoiding. Can I refresh my life here? Build a new character?


Eliot's words, "And what you know is what you do not know."

With all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength, and with all my mind.


Random one coming up...


David at KLCC, prior to Yen's birthday lunch.

As you go...

From today's Sacred Gateway reading:

As you go, proclaim the good news. The kingdom of heaven has come near. Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons. You received without payment; give without payment. Take no gold, or silver, or copper in your belts, no bag for your journey, or two tunics, or sandals, or a staff; for labourers deserve their food.

--Matthew 10:7-10

When I think of the first line, I imagine someone wearing a strong perfume which diffuses into the air as he/she walks by. As you go, let the good news emanate from who you are.

The kingdom of heaven has come near.

You know, I really don't know how to reflect on this, sitting in the Computer Lab at the Institute of Biological Sciences, UM.

Somehow in this shift to uni life, God has become both distant and near. I find myself cut off from the so-called Christian support I had back at home (books, family, friends etc.) but yet I find this place more conducive to a disciplined life.

It is also a simpler, less cluttered life. Alissa might say this is partly due to the fact that I don't have my SLR with me. Which might be true.

My other half is across the South China Sea, and that has also exerted its influence on my present life.

As you go...

I'm going. Going? Gone.


His kingdom is here.

Rethinking the Victorious Christian Life

The title sounds almost sacrilegious, doesn’t it? The Christian life is supposed to be a life of victory, isn’t it? Aren’t we supposed to have faith in the promises that have been given to us in the Bible? Aren’t we supposed to be overcomers? What is there for a good, faithful Christian to rethink?

Quite a bit, actually. As I see many of my peers becoming disillusioned with our faith – some leaving it, others simply losing interest in pursuing it whole-heartedly – I wonder if it is not in part because the church has promised victories that God did not quite guarantee.

One extreme is the health-and-wealth gospel, the idea that no good Christian should fall ill, that a lack of healing is an indication of a lack of faith, that all who tithe faithfully are guaranteed a return on their eternal investment while in this life (which doesn’t quite make sense, if you think about it – there’s a reason it’s eternal). For most of us who call ourselves Christians in this part of the world, I don’t think we preach such a gospel.

We may, however, make more subtle errors.

In YF’s and CF’s, the message of Christianity is very upbeat and positive. We are told that God has a plan for our lives. We are told of the joy and freedom we have in Christ. We are told of the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us to overcome sin. Someone give me a Hallelujah! Someone give me an Amen! Cause it is true! It is all true!

…only, it is not quite the whole story. In the Christian youth culture, the flip side is (unintentionally, I believe) rather understated. We forget to preach about how long it took for God’s plans to make sense for some people. (And, anyone ever wondered about those Israelites who died in Egypt before Moses led the Exodus?) We forget to talk about Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, or Job, who said “The LORD gives and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” We fail to understand that the Christian life does not promise a set of continuous victories over sin in our lives - not that God couldn’t accomplish that, but looking at most of us, the changing process is full of ups and downs and takes all our lives. We have faith for a few weeks or months, and then we start getting impatient and wonder when God is going to show up.

Even those of us who understand this cognitively, we struggle when we experience it.

And I think that this is one reason why many waver in their faith as they transit from youth into adulthood and realize that life is complicated. The (temporary though seemingly long) incoherence of the life we experience doesn’t match up with the coherence of life Christianity is supposed to promise.

You see, we are victorious. But we are not victorious in every way now. And we expect more than has been promised us on this side of life.

And, ironically, we also expect less.

I don’t think we can fully appreciate the amazingness of the victorious Christian life until we understand the ways in which we are not necessarily victorious.

We can be victorious in all circumstances, even if we are victorious over no circumstance. We can be joyful and thankful always. We can pray always. We can trust and have faith in God always. We can be obedient always. We can love always. And we can do this, by the power and grace of God, regardless of whether life makes coherent sense.

These qualities – they are easy (easier at least) to practice when we are victorious over our circumstances. When we are in control. When we can change the outcome of the things going on around us. It may seem really unfair that we are expected to do the same when life is a mess.

Or, we can marvel at the fact that God has given us the ability to do the same, even when life is a mess. Such is a greatness and sufficiency of our God! Such is the quality of the victory we are promised! (And, we may yet see victory over our circumstances, if it is God’s good will and timing)

A final thought: I read somewhere that wisdom is not understanding the full plan of God for our lives. We keep searching and trying to pry and understand, mostly in vain. Wisdom is knowing how to respond in whichever part of God’s plan for our lives we find ourselves in. (This may be something we are a little less enthusiastic in searching for) True victory can be found in following true wisdom.

A final caveat: I don’t mean to swing to the opposite extreme and suggest a small God, or that the Christian life is nothing more than slogging and suffering and merely surviving. Significant and visible victories are to be expected in our Christian walk. I do think we often forget that the true measure of victory is not to be found in what is visible, or even how we feel, but in the measure of our dogged faithfulness to the truth in God’s Word (the doubts that assail our minds and the fluctuations of our emotions not withstanding) and our obedience to it.

Faith

Some meditations of faith, drawn largely from Hebrews 11, from one who is pondering and struggling with what faith is supposed to mean in his life, and why the Christian life isn’t always all some people make it out to be.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see…And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

Hebrews 11: 1, 6 – NIV

Hebrews 11 is an amazing exposition on faith with example upon example of people of faith in the Old Testament interspersed by concrete statements about what faith is. It is a passage that feels as if it should be set to poetry or music – such is the depth and power of its message. It is also a passage that, upon careful reading, is not merely inspirational but a massive reality check.

Faith is often presented as some towering emotional certainty and belief that overcomes all odds in the face of imminent danger or an overpowering obstacle. It has some magical quality to it that causes us to wonder if “the rest of us” can posses it in any great degree. Yet, faith in this passage is not linked with miraculous success and victory. Rather, in verse 39 the passage states that “none of them received what had been promised!”

Indeed, when we think of the many prophets in the Old Testament who lived by faith and preached by faith and died by faith because of their faith, we would dismiss many of them as failures today! Their preaching failed to change the nation of Israel and turn their people back to God. Instead, their audience hardened their hearts and pursued idolatry. If a pastor had such results in his church, many Christians would be quick to question his faith and his calling to his ministry. If we read the Old Testament closely, we will find that the prophets often questioned their own faith and ministry. Yet, from the experience of these prophets, who were vindicated by God it is clear that faith is no guarantee of “victory” over our external circumstances if we define victory as tangible, measurable success.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Faith in God is being sure of what we hope for in God’s promises and certain of God’s truth whether or not we see it in “reality.” We should not make the mistake of having faith in faith! If the list of people in Hebrews 11 had that kind of faith, it would not have lasted. They lived for long stretches of time without seeing any results from their faith, and died without the full and final vindication of their lives of faith. We see clearly the results, but they could not and did not. Should we then expect to see the results of our faith, except through eyes of faith?

Unless we are certain that God’s Word is true, we cannot persevere. It is difficult to have faith at the moment of some great test, when much is at stake. It is perhaps even more difficult to have faith when life is meandering, when little or nothing seems to be at stake. Abraham’s act of faith in leaving Ur was monumental, and we all remember that. His faith in continuing to journey for months, even years, is something we often forget. Not to mention the number of years he had to wait for the promise of a child to be fulfilled! In that time, he doubted, even tried to bring about God’s promises through his initiative, yet in all his doubt and confusion, he continued to have faith that God would do what he had promised.

What then is faith? It is a belief in God and His promises that enables us to live according to his Word, to lay down our lives, take up our crosses, and follow Him. Faith is not to be measured in our successes our through monumental events, but in how we follow after God every day, regardless of how little seems to be going on. By that measure, how much faith do I have? And yet, we are not called to have great faith, but to act on the little faith we do have. For even a mustard seed shall grow.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Wanted: Single-minded Disciple

I subconsciously assume this blog is for expressing some blinding spiritual insight, I think, which is why I do not write so often. Or maybe I am just lazy. Or perhaps I am fearful of examining the depths of my life, or of revealing my spiritual struggles. Maybe I am too far from God and too close to materialism to actually have anything to say about my spiritual life. Perhaps it is all these things in various degrees of severity.

Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong in life. So many things I invested my time and effort in do not seem to have borne any fruit at all...at least, nothing that is visible. On one hand, sometimes you just don't get to see what happens to the people you have tried to encourage in their walk with God. You just trust them to God. On the other hand, just seeing them grow a little more in the faith is something to thank God for and an encouragement to my faith. I would be at peace, I suppose, if I was sure that I had done my best. But I look back and I realise that I have spent so much of my time in double-mindedness, unsure whether to pursue success in academics and the rest of the world, or whether to pursue God and make His will my own.

From reading Acts, I realise that for the disciples, the evangelists, the martyrs, there came a time when they had to give up everything and not look back. They could not afford to. They could get discouraged and lonely, but they could not say something like, "It would be better if I had not given up my home and my right to choose my own job." Disciples carry their cross. They put their hand to the plough. They don't look back. For many of the disciples, I suppose the moment came either when they witness the resurrection or on the Day of Pentecost. Does that moment exist for me? Something like an Aldersgate for Wesley, or Luther's realisation of what Romans 1:16-17 meant. Is there a moment like that for our generation? For our nation? There have been many moments, but they didn't go beyond the experience itself. I hunger not just for a spiritual experience, but a spiritual life. Do I know what that will cost me? Am I willing to pay it? Lord, help me count the cost.

just to inform

ben's grandfather passed away on the night of 25th of may 2007, friday.

Hearing again... a little at least

You know you've been out of the Blogosphere when you didn't even realise Keat Lim has started blogging.

A little over a year since Akouo started, I wonder if I'm finally deaf enough to hear; if it's quiet enough for sound. It just dawned upon me that 'hearing' implies 'silence', or a higher level of discourse; a different frequency, so to speak.

i put Him at a corner of my life for a year and when i returned, He let me wait. i gave up and told Him that i wasn't bothered to get close to Him anymore. i told Him that i would just go about my regular routine of going to church and serving there as a committee member and reading my Bible and praying -- i'll do all the "doing" but wouldn't be bothered about the "being." i mean, it's quite easy to cover up, already having the reputation of being a spiritually matured person. if He were to speak to me, then good. otherwise, too bad...

a friend and i have been meeting about 4 times a week for the past month to pray for our Youth Fellowship. we prayed with expectancy that YF would grow. subtly, God spoke to me. i didn't even know that He was speaking until i talked to another friend. all that i can say is that He was gracious.

it has been quite tough to support myself in my spiritual life. after a batch of seniors in YF left about a year ago, i felt quite alone in this spiritual journey. nobody in YF was walking alongside me. i have been slacking. some of my principles, i no longer hold on to. part of me feels hypocritical. but everybody doing it anyway. i get rebuked for the things i was never rebuked for. lots of rebellion.

still loving Him, ming

I Pick Up The Pen Again

So much for blogging once a week. I have been staying away from blogs and writing. I’ve spent much of the past two years running away from my writing. Now that I know I am definitely majoring in humanities, I suppose I should stop all this silly self-denial.

I have rarely ventured out into the deep in my spiritual life. It’s as if I have spent most of my life wading in the shallows where I can see and feel the bottom. I want to stay in the place where I know God is a ‘safe’ God, a God who does not have extraordinary things in mind for me. There was a time when I wanted to do great things (though I never really had a clear idea what I would do), but now all I want is to get through the day without having to yell at students. I teach English on weekdays and SAT tuition on Saturdays, and I teach the Bible on Sundays. I’m really tired of teaching. And that’s a sign that I need to get back to why I’m doing all this in the first place. The best times are the times when I know I have come to the end of my strength, when I feel as if I will burst into tears if I have to yell “stop talking!” one more time. Because that’s when I let God step in.

It’s been hard, living away from home, carving a life for myself from the age of sixteen. In all this I have learnt that God’s grace is abounding. No matter how many times I run away, feeling small, shattered and weak, He’s always gently led me back. Even now I feel the gentle insistence of the Holy Spirit, urging me to take with faith the path I’ve always known I should take: to write. With great reluctance, I pick up my pen again.

Whence Shall These Struggles End?

I applied for and received the Barnabas position in my college, a position of Christan mentoring in the dorm that I will be assigned. It was the day after I was accepted onto the Barnabas team that an article my Barnabas from last school year was published in the editorial section of my college newspaper.

It was an article in defense of gay civil unions.

It was a well-written article, one that was the product of much thought and consideration. It was written in a conciliatory manner, not the usual antagonistic tone I have seen in other such writings. But, beyond that, he is a dear friend, one of the most humble, generous, honest, and open people I know. It was after much prayer, counsel, and research that he has taken this stand. It is not set in stone, and he admits the real possibility of being wrong, but it also paves the way for the lifestyle he has now chosen to lead.

And, it is this that has made me realize again: no matter how good a person I am, I am going to be horribly wrong and fall horribly short in many areas of my life. If he is right, I am terribly wrong; if such a person as he is wrong, how can I dare claim to be right about everything else? The very best that the Church has to offer are so very flawed.

I write this at a time when you, my fellow bloggers, as well as others have shared your personal struggles. I have mine too. I am currently working through thoughts about the Bible and how it should be read and interpreted in the light of new ideas that have been presented in my theology class at Calvin College, ideas that I would normally dismiss as being overly liberal and without good theological and scriptural justification, except that they come from sincere Christians who are more learned than I am. On a more mundane level, I recognize daily a great deal of self-centeredness that masquerades as hard-workingness, studiousness, or being disciplined, a self-absorption that gets in the way of loving God and loving others. And, that is just one of many frustrations I have in my spiritual journey. If I started to list them all, I would become so depressed that I would have to tender my resignation as Barnabas.

And yet, when I look back on my spiritual journey, where I have been and where I have come, I say: God has been good to me. And I trust He will continue to be good to me. His grace, how amazing it is! It is this hope alone that allows me to keep my faith, let alone grow in it or seek to serve. The very fact that I recognize my condition and feel frustrated is a sign of His grace: every time I feel I have grown or overcome, I see a deeper layer of deceit and pride within myself; and yet, I also see a greater potential to be the person God desires me to be. His work of sanctification is painful and lengthy. "How long more must I wait?" I ask. And yet, I have His promise that His work, though it may seem slow, will ultimately reach fullness.

I wish I could speak to your struggles and give you answers (and, candidly, I wish it more for my benefit than yours - another symptom of my pride and desire to be self-sufficient). That would give me so much more confidence as I prepare to become a Barnabas leader in this next school year. To be able to solve the problems that others present me...to say nothing of solving my own problems...but that is not the way it is. But this I know: God has chosen the weak to shame the strong, the foolish to shame the wise. My goodness is not a precondition of God's willingness to use me or you as His instrument of blessing. On the flip side, my being used does not make me any better than I was before, nor does it guarantee my continued "good standing."

I look forward to returning to you soon. I believe we have much to share, if we are willing and ready. There is much we can learn from each others struggles, and I trust there will be victories we can celebrate too. In the meantime, Godspeed on each of your spiritual journeys, however slow-going or meandering they may be. Hold on to hope, for we have a gracious God.

I think I owe this blog at least five posts...I'm lagging a little in this discipline of mine.

What I want most of all is to love and to be loved without fear. To be unafraid, to trust completely and unquestioningly in God's goodness; or, even if I question, to be able to have it out squarely with Him, not necessarily demanding an answer to the pain as in Job, but trusting that by the end of my complaint I will be forced to acknowledged the immutable conclusion that God is good and that He loves us perfectly as in many of the Psalms. Every year there is some new agony to face, as if I am addicted to pain and misery. I am not at that place now, but it usually comes around midyear or later.

The uppermost question used to be "Why?" In my most lucid moments I knew it was about pride and going through the refiner's fire and all sorts of things. In my most spiritual moments I realise I will not know until the last trumpet sounds. In moments of despondency I decided that it was some sort of punishment meted out by a God uneven in justice...but somehow thought I deserved it at the same time. Through the darkest moments of wretched thought, sometimes all that kept me going was the thought that God is good...no matter what I face. It didn't make me happy, and it didn't resolve the issue immediately. If anything, I was more unhappy realising that God's goodness never changed even through the pain. But the difference this conviction made was this: it gave me the strength to claim my life for Christ again, to rebuke the false thoughts and doubts and make decisions in spite of what I felt.

And so now I am on the beach, strolling with Christ, enjoying the respite until the Valley of the Shadow of Death comes again, whatever form it may take this year. Perhaps it will not (I always live in the hope that I will have one year with no major episode of sadness). But this is my life and I have accepted it. I do not need to fear.

When I ask "Why?" I suppose the implied question is also "Why me out of all others?" This blog helps me see that we are all singled out in God's purpose, each with our own road to walk, or in Henri Nouwen's metaphor, with our own cup to drink. I see my life travelling in cycles, but they are redemptive cycles, not destructive cycles. Each year seems to have more pain and fear than the last, but each year I also grow deeper into a life that is free of that. For some of us, the cycles may span more than a year...or there might not be a cycle at all, just a long meandering journey with surprises (whether nasty or nice) around each bend.

A year of hearing?

Akouo has been up for about a year and two days. Although it depends if you count the initial e-mail conversation leading up to it, in which case Akouo has existed for longer than that.


I find that at this juncture of my life, I must remember not to play the blame game, although I think, in many cases, that I am far more likely than others to put the blame for any mishap on myself. Again, this is speculation and something I must be careful not to take too seriously.

But whether or not I am prone to blaming others is not the main point. The thing is, blaming anyone--whether myself or another--inevitably shifts God out of the picture, or at least into the sidelines. I must remember the lessons of John 9 (that God may be glorified through the man's blindness) and Joseph (that God may use for good, that which is meant for evil).

Ours is the God of inextinguishable purpose, who is there in the darkest of days. I think Eugene Peterson rendered it well when he set the final words of Ezekiel in large font, in The Message;

YAHWEH SHAMMAH (the LORD is there)


Akouo means 'to hear' and at the top of this page its implications are noted:

1. to attend to, consider what is or has been said
2. to understand, perceive the sense of what is said

Sometimes it would seem that God's apparent silence is due to our deliberate deafness.


Practising for this coming weekend's trip to Malacca, and watching the musicians come in slowly to fill the empty spaces during the parents' worship rehearsal, I began to see life as a jam session.

And there are two senses of hearing while jamming. One is to hear for emptiness, and find a way to fill it, to layer the music so the overall effect is complete.

The other is to hear the correct sound. To hear the band leader over the drum, no matter how driving the beat may be. To hear the lead guitar, even if it's only an acoustic played over several electric guitars.

Thankfully life is a jam session, where mistakes are not the end of all things. But also, there is a goal and that goal is perfection, just as a band practises to play flawlessly. And as with a jam session, there is a concert coming up, and the time to get ready is limited.


Akouo.

Into a year of deeper, more perceptive hearing. Here we go.

Things to remember at CNY

"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

--Joshua 1:6-9 (NIV)


This morning, in line with the Chinese New Year, Pastor Kuan Ming spoke on 'God's Way to Success and Prosperity'; his text was taken from Joshua 1:1-9.

I was at first somewhat alarmed when I heard the words 'success' and 'prosperity' because I'm quite aware of the much famed and derided Prosperity Gospel. Not that I know exactly what it's about, but basically it comes across to me as something that sounds like a motivational session with Anthony Robbins: Awaken the Giant Within!!!


But Pastor Kuan Ming's message was nothing like that. And when I read the passage, I noticed that the words 'prosperity' and 'success' appear in the very Word of God. I read it in the NASB version in church, and I've quoted the NIV translation above.

How are we to be successful and prosperous? By obeying God's law and meditating on His Word at all times. That simple. And that hard.

Three times God says: be strong and courageous. And the third time, God promises to be with us wherever we go.


Then Pastor Kuan Ming mentioned the well-known encounter between Joshua and the Captain of the Lord's Army.

Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, "Are you for us or for our enemies?"

"Neither," he replied, "but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come." Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, "What message does my Lord have for his servant?"

--josh 5:13-14 (NIV)

He said, we don't recruit the Captain of the Lord's Army; He recruits us.


I'm just mentioning all this because I think I need to be reminded of these things from time to time.

To be reminded that success and prosperity are Biblical.

That God's Word is central.

That God's law must be obeyed.

That God will be with me, and because of that I can be strong and courageous.

That God is my Master, not the other way around.


Remember.

Back on Track

This blog had just begun gathering steam, being updated several times a week, when technical difficulties brought it to a complete halt. No posts. No comments. No way of moving forward. Though technical issues remain, it is back on track.

The Bible study group I belong too - it stopped toward the end of the last semester, and several key members were away over Interim. Tonight, three weeks into the second semester, we are meeting to discuss time, topic, and reevaluate the purpose of our Bible study. It should be back on track.

My accountability group had a difficult time coordinating a time for all of us to meet due to our new schedules this spring semester. We finally met up last Monday. I think we are back on track.

Dorm Prayer has had major fluctuations in attendance. We have twelve people, and then we have two. I hope we get on track.

My devotional life, prayer life, and other disciplines - I practice them regularly, but my heart is in them only so often. I get tired, distracted, and hurried. I struggle to be obedient to God, to do what I know I ought and to avoid what I know I must. I try to view my day, my activities, my friendships, and my time in the light of who He is and not in the light of how I am. I often fail. I wish I knew how to stay on track.

I recall being CF President back in school. During our committee meetings, the discussion would invariably wander way off topic. We knew each other too well, and we had way too much fun. My voice was the voice of reason. I knew what we had to decide each meeting, and what could afford to wait. Always, I had the agenda in my mind, and when we strayed too far, I would sound the oft repeated call: "Focus, people, focus!" To this day, I just need to whipser the word "focus" with that group of people, and we laugh over old times, about how I kept us on track.

How much precious time is lost when we get off track. I am impatient to grow, to mature. I want to be making constant, or at least consistent, progress. I do not want to live with any sin a minute longer than I have too. And yet, I cannot keep focus. And then I find myself off track.

And then. I. Beat. Myself. Up.

Not that it gets me back on track any faster - it slows me down actually. Not that it makes me feel any better, except in some twisted way. You know what I speak of. I tell myself that as a follower of Christ, I have recieved the Holy Spirit and have thus been empowered to...

...to what? Be perfect? Be infailable? Be free from all personal struggles? Not to make light of failure in the Christian walk, not to make light of sin, but at what point did I decide that I was never going to go off track anymore? If that is possible, someone forgot to give me the memo.

I have been empowered to grow. To keep continuing. To get back on track, even if I have to do it seventy-seven times a day. It is a meandering course I take, but God does not seem as interested in the shortest distance between two points as He is in persistance in pursuing Him. So, I get back on track, and try to focus just a little bit longer this time.

And, who knows. Maybe someday He will even call me a man after His own heart.

Testing

Testing One Two

Slow to give praise

have been wanting to post this up for a week but couldn't due to busyness.

i'm not in the desert anymore. not that i'm totally near God but He's here and He hears. i finally managed to sit in silence for an hour in bed on sunday. on monday, i read about 8 chapters of Genesis. i felt satisfaction in these. now, i continue to try keeping up this discipline. i don't want to feel that dryness and lostness again. it hurts.

thanks for keeping me in prayer...

warkah kepada Allah

I've decided after reading Tee Ming's latest post that I will make public a "protected post" from my Xanga. It reflects my spiritual struggles, which still continue, with varying intensity (most days I don't even think about it, and apathy surely cannot be intensity). If this is a "dark night of the soul" as described by St. John of the Cross, it has not abated for one and a half years. Devotion has run dry, and various other ideologies present themselves as alternatives. But we have to blunder onward... in hope that the Light will come.

---

Dear Lord,

It seems so long since we last conversed. I guess I have been giving you the cold shoulder for the past month or so, but prior to this we've already had a major communication breakdown that has benefitted neither of us. Today while reading Susan Tang's book "Spiritual Intimacy" I realised the main problem. I have stopped confiding in you due to lack of trust. And I've not been real in the prayers that I have said - mainly intercession for others while doubting all the time whether any change or impact is possible at all.

My unilateral "Cold War" I wish to end. I will be brutally honest, because you reward such straightforwardness, as seen in the Psalms and even the Prophets. One year and 4 months later, I'm still disappointed deep down inside that you had to strike me with a lifelong condition when I felt closest to you. This condition has scarred our relationship by turning it into a roller coaster ride through Heaven and Hades. Though I had my most intimate moments during my times of sickness, it is this that has caused me to question whether any of it was real at all. Perhaps it was just the madness, the mercurial fluctuations that left me with both euphoric experiences and brutal bouts of bottomless descents into sorrow. How could I be sure that all the grandiose visions were really from you and not some internal source of sanitylessness?

I've learned to appreciate where I am, yes. I no longer yearn so badly for that American education that was taken away from me in moments of tremendous anguish. However, I have come to doubt your goodness. Richard Garnett said that love is your essence, and power mainly your attribute. How can this be? A powerless God is not god at all. A God without love, however, is simply a god of malevolence, but yet still a god. You say you love me as your son, and I wish to believe it, but it is just so bloody hard to do so!

As time passes, I find that some of those closest to me who have been bulwarks of support when my faith has been challenged are now themselves turning into liberals (heterodoxists?) or questioners.Why shake us up this way, Lord? Even as we dabble in Spongian seperation of "acceptable" doctrine from the "irrational" (to "modern" minds, at least), are we walking away from you? Is our salvation dependent on how accurate our theology is? Are unconventional beliefs pathways to eternal damnation, guided personally by the Great Deceiver and his minions? Help, God! Must we go through these fires of temptation to compromise, sanitize and/or rationalize to emerge on the other side purified of dross? I fear that we might be swallowed up by the fire and perish in the flames of sin! Come to our aid, O Lord! Help us resist the Evil One, as we pray the prayer you taught us, among many others.

My offence today is rank, and its stench rises up to you. A very minor infraction, some might say, but nevertheless a dangerous sign of relapse into recidivism. Of course, it is also a matter of embarrassment. But I don't trust myself, O Lord! I must pray for strength, day by day. I am but such a frail youth, bent over by the burden that lies on my back. O Forgiveness! O Grace! O God of Second Chances! Come to my aid and change me. Grant me understanding! Lead me to your truth! I've not been so direct in my petition for a long time. I suppose I have lost my foundation of belief that you can really make a difference in my life. But here I am, with a battered body and failing strength and faculties. I want to admit that I am broken. Please come into me once more and live in this cracked piece of pottery!

A broken spirit
and a contrite heart,
You will not despise
You will not despise.

You desire truth
in the inmost parts.
A broken spirit
and a contrite heart.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Giving Up

i wonder whether i'm the only one out the 6 of us who's wrestling with God. everybody's putting up posts about spiritual growth and disciplines, while all i've been typing for the past 4 weeks is my state of lostness in this Chirstian life.

after one and a half months of struggling in getting back into a close relationship with Christ, i feel like giving up. i feel as if i want to just be contented with my relationship with Him now which is knowing that i'm in His will but not hearing Him, feeling His presence or having any excitement for Him. i won't give up the faith, but i do feel like giving up on serving.

i'm struggling with the other youth leaders in YF. i just can't seem to communicate with them. whatever i do, i don't get support from them. it seems like i'm running a one-man show with all the younger ones under me. why don't the YF just break up and they can run one group while i run the other. alternatively, i'll just back out and let them lead. maybe i'll be even happier that way. no responsibilities. i've to keep backing up those young ones in the committee and defend all the arrows that are targeted towards them through me. why not just let go? retreat and let them take over. i've not been hearing God anyway.

i can't be silent for long nowadays. just a few minutes being silent or praying, then my mind wanders off somewhere. i'll tell myself that there's no point in having this quiet time and i'll just go off and do something else.

led worship yesterday with the songs 'His strength is perfect' by steven curtis chapman and 'thank you Lord for the trials that come my way...' i didn't sing these songs for fun. i really want to mean it, but i don't want to strive anymore. when i was preparing to lead worship, i didn't really hear God. i did spend some 2 hours preparing but the choice of songs seemed to be from me--what i felt like singing.

this whole week, i've been baking cookies to sell to church members to raise funds for johor flood victims. on the first or second day of baking, i started having toothache, which i later found out to be a serious cavity. still i had to continue for the rest of the week. then yesterday after returning from YF where i led worship, i finally came down with fever. my toothache was the cause of this and headache. at least my responsibilities were over. but still, where was God in all this? after doing everything, the main reason for doing these seem to be invisible in the picture.

i don't feel like bothering about trying to sit in silence and wait upon Him anymore. i don't feel as if i'll ever be on high for Him anymore. will i just by this end my growth in Christ? will this be the end just like many "Sunday adults" now who've once had a fervor for God? something tells me no, but what do i have to do on my part?


BLESSED

Blessed are those who dwell in Your house.
They are ever praising You.
Blessed are those whose strength is in You.
Whose hearts are set on our God.

We will go from strength to strength,
‘Til we see You face to face.

CHORUS
Hear our prayer, O Lord God Almighty.
Come bless our land, as we seek You,
Worship You.

BRIDGE
For You are holy.
For You are holy.
For You are holy, Lord.

Honesty II

I have been reading two Psalms each day for quiet time; right now I am at Psalm 108.

The Psalms is a collection of songs to the Lord which encompasses the whole range of human emotion, from elation to anguish, from anger to sorrowful repentance. Look at the uninhibited cries of despair in Psalm 88:

O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you
Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

I don't know how it is in the Hebrew, but in this translation the last line has a terrifying ring of finality in the way it ends so abruptly. In general, the Psalms end fairly upbeat, in the style of "though my sorrow may last for a night, His joy comes in the morning," but this particular Psalm has the usual expected ending choked off by a vision of the encircling darkness.

But is it a menacing, malicious darkness? Are the previous cries of the Psalmist's heart accusations at all? Though there is deep sorrow and anguish in this lament, there is no tone of bitterness, nothing which indicates a sense of betrayal. The psalmist reaches no real conclusion in this outburst, except for the one he started out with: this is “the Lord, the God who saves [him].”

This Psalm is in fact a prayer (as all the Psalms are), a fact indicated near the beginning in the line “may my prayer come before you.” I am in awe of this prayer. This is not a prayer that starts in an affirmation of God’s greatness, holiness, or goodness; the person who prayed this prayer threw all conventions out of the window in the face of extreme anguish. He just assumed God’s goodness and readiness to hear his prayer—this faith released him to fully express his state of despair and isolation. I find that often I do not have the courage or honesty to bring all of myself before God. Somehow I assume that a good Christian ought to feel good before God—whatever “good” might mean. This is why I pray through journaling sometimes, because it forces me to be honest about how I really feel about God and about my life.

Worship: Experience and Expression

We are probably familiar with the well-known predicament of singing worship songs without meaning the words, or 'with our hearts elsewhere'; we've probably sat in on discussions on the subject of wallpaper worshippers; we're likely part of that very wallpaper at times too.

But I wonder, can't worship also be a way to release pent-up emotions?

One night at d'NA Stage 3, we sang that song whose chorus goes "...I will go to the ends of the earth, to the ends of the earth..." and Michael said something to the effect of, "Why do you all sing 'to the ends of the earth' when even 'to the end of the street' is something most of us would find hard to do?"

Subsequently I became very conscious of the lyrics of many songs we take for granted.

But lately, I think I'm beginning to appreciate my Pentecostal roots. There is something in the loud worship that reminds me so much of U2 concerts (although personally, the former falls short of the latter in musical terms :-P), and the thing about U2 is that they try to capture a feeling, an emotion, whenever they perform live.

On the day that U2 lead singer Bono's father died, the band were scheduled to perform that very night. They didn't cancel, and Bono considered that concert a liberating experience in the midst of such grief.

And to me, though sometimes we may not mean the words (or may not even know what the words mean!), I think there is something liberating about the act of singing. Lately I've learnt to enjoy that 'ends of the earth' song simply as a song, and it really feels much better that way, rather than sitting in the congregation feeling more guilt than anything else over the relative impossibility of the words.

I guess it isn't limited to the Pentecostal experience; there is also something mystical about the Orthodox church, something less about the logic and more about the feeling and the presence of the whole worship experience.

Streams of living water, not merely to analyse... but to drink, and to drink deeply.

Accountability

i'm still continuing in my pursue for God but not close. i don't know how to put it. maybe you guys could pray for me. or even better, pray with me. would like to let you guys know that my mentor, paul long is migrating to new zealand tomorrow. i'm a spiritual orphan now. not that i'll die or anything, but i really treasured that mentoring relationship. i'm looking for accountability partners now. can i look to you 5 for that? or are we already accountable to each other. coz i don't really feel it. anybody up for proper accountability?

"I am the Way"

Sometimes a thought grips you such that you cannot allow it to go unwritten, or in this case, unblogged.

I will be sitting for my Driving Test this Friday, and having seen virtually all my friends get their licences before me, I've heard numerous stories about the test, including the ubiquitous tales of bribery. And as I prepare for my turn, I can't help but ponder this question.

Uncle Philip, my instructor (the same one who taught Audrey) told me not to worry. He said he'd talk to the JPJ officer(s). I don't know if he means that I don't need to bribe, or if he's somehow included money for the bribe in the fees he's been charging me all this while.

As far as I'm concerned, the fees are reasonable enough; my piano and art teachers were far more exorbitant compared to the fees charged by commercial music and art centres.

But while I was walking my dogs after today's driving lesson, two things came to mind: Frederick Buechner's essay 'The Road Goes On' and Jesus' words of reinstation to Peter.


Buechner quotes Tolkien's Bilbo Baggins in that essay;

The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone,
And I must follow if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then?
I cannot say.

And he ends with these words;

The world is full of dark shadows to be sure, both the world without and the world within, and the road we've all set off on is long and hard and often hard to find, but the word is trust. Trust the deepest intuitions of your own heart. Trust the source of your own truest gladness. Trust the road. Above all else, trust him. Trust him. Amen.


Here is the account in the Gospel of John:

The third time [Jesus] said to [Peter], "Simon son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

--John 21:17-19 (NIV)


What I realised was this: there are times when we will be lead where we do not want to go. I'm not directly referring to driving and bribery, but I realised that I was allowing fear to take over me. And yet here we find that Jesus' commission to Peter was hardly encouraging: what kind of leader tries to spur his follower on with a foretaste of death?

Am I sometimes being led where I do not want to go? And yet the road 'goes ever on and on'. Buechner opened his essay with the famous John 14:6 verse;

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life."

He is the God of the road, the God of the way. The God who is the way. Of what should I be afraid? Even when we are led where we do not want to go, there is nothing to fear. Not because God is there, or even because God sends us, but in a mysterious way, God is the path we take. And so as the proverb-writer said, the steps of the wise are directed by God.


He is the God of the path, the God of the petal shower. The God of the petal-showered path.

Amen.