Weary and Refreshed; Joyful and Hanging in There

I am tired. Physically, I just ran at top speed for half a mile, chasing a Resident Assistant from my dorm, to give him a dripping-wet hug after playing in a fountain in the rain. (He wouldn't join the rest of us Barnabai and RAs.) Emotionally and mentally, I'm even more so. I've poured my heart and mind into Barnabas, into planning, organizing, and connecting. The constant awareness of that role and identity is challenging and exciting, but it can feel like such a heavy burden - though I was never supposed to bear the brunt of the load.

I was blessed with an amazingly refreshing weekend. God stepped in and gave me a break when I needed it - canceling a floor retreat and freeing up almost two days worth of time for me. And my mentor ordered me to rest. It was time spent in solitude, and time spent sharing my heart with some fellow Barnabas and with some close friends. And the ministry time I put in over that weekend - God sent people my way that (as Paul sometimes wrote in his letters) refreshed my heart.

Even with that rest, I find it hard to remain in that place of rest. I've been going through this day happy, joyful even. Smiling and telling people of how good God has been to me. Yet, even in the joy, I wonder if more weekends could be like the last, if I didn't have so much to do. And, I wonder what this Barnabas is going to do this week - how he is going to put in his fifteen plus hours, and how many of those hours will be effective, meaningful, hours. It is hard to give up control of that over to God.

And so, as I work on this thing called joy, as I learn to anticipate the day and week ahead in the light of God's goodness and faithfulness, I find myself vacillating often and wildly between peace and weariness. I've learned to leave behind much of my usual prolonged stress and worry. I still find it difficult to fill that with joy, laughter, and anticipation. I often find myself just hanging on, not sure how long more I can take this.

But God is good. He has not let me down. He has picked me up over and over again, and allowed me to experience some of the first-fruits of my service to Him. And, because of His love and faithfulness, I will continue my journey, I will seek Him out, I will look forward with insuppressible hope to His lavish banquet table.

And I will live in such a way that reflects that.