I've decided after reading Tee Ming's latest post that I will make public a "protected post" from my Xanga. It reflects my spiritual struggles, which still continue, with varying intensity (most days I don't even think about it, and apathy surely cannot be intensity). If this is a "dark night of the soul" as described by St. John of the Cross, it has not abated for one and a half years. Devotion has run dry, and various other ideologies present themselves as alternatives. But we have to blunder onward... in hope that the Light will come.
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Dear Lord,
It seems so long since we last conversed. I guess I have been giving you the cold shoulder for the past month or so, but prior to this we've already had a major communication breakdown that has benefitted neither of us. Today while reading Susan Tang's book "Spiritual Intimacy" I realised the main problem. I have stopped confiding in you due to lack of trust. And I've not been real in the prayers that I have said - mainly intercession for others while doubting all the time whether any change or impact is possible at all.
My unilateral "Cold War" I wish to end. I will be brutally honest, because you reward such straightforwardness, as seen in the Psalms and even the Prophets. One year and 4 months later, I'm still disappointed deep down inside that you had to strike me with a lifelong condition when I felt closest to you. This condition has scarred our relationship by turning it into a roller coaster ride through Heaven and Hades. Though I had my most intimate moments during my times of sickness, it is this that has caused me to question whether any of it was real at all. Perhaps it was just the madness, the mercurial fluctuations that left me with both euphoric experiences and brutal bouts of bottomless descents into sorrow. How could I be sure that all the grandiose visions were really from you and not some internal source of sanitylessness?
I've learned to appreciate where I am, yes. I no longer yearn so badly for that American education that was taken away from me in moments of tremendous anguish. However, I have come to doubt your goodness. Richard Garnett said that love is your essence, and power mainly your attribute. How can this be? A powerless God is not god at all. A God without love, however, is simply a god of malevolence, but yet still a god. You say you love me as your son, and I wish to believe it, but it is just so bloody hard to do so!
As time passes, I find that some of those closest to me who have been bulwarks of support when my faith has been challenged are now themselves turning into liberals (heterodoxists?) or questioners.Why shake us up this way, Lord? Even as we dabble in Spongian seperation of "acceptable" doctrine from the "irrational" (to "modern" minds, at least), are we walking away from you? Is our salvation dependent on how accurate our theology is? Are unconventional beliefs pathways to eternal damnation, guided personally by the Great Deceiver and his minions? Help, God! Must we go through these fires of temptation to compromise, sanitize and/or rationalize to emerge on the other side purified of dross? I fear that we might be swallowed up by the fire and perish in the flames of sin! Come to our aid, O Lord! Help us resist the Evil One, as we pray the prayer you taught us, among many others.
My offence today is rank, and its stench rises up to you. A very minor infraction, some might say, but nevertheless a dangerous sign of relapse into recidivism. Of course, it is also a matter of embarrassment. But I don't trust myself, O Lord! I must pray for strength, day by day. I am but such a frail youth, bent over by the burden that lies on my back. O Forgiveness! O Grace! O God of Second Chances! Come to my aid and change me. Grant me understanding! Lead me to your truth! I've not been so direct in my petition for a long time. I suppose I have lost my foundation of belief that you can really make a difference in my life. But here I am, with a battered body and failing strength and faculties. I want to admit that I am broken. Please come into me once more and live in this cracked piece of pottery!
A broken spirit
and a contrite heart,
You will not despise
You will not despise.
You desire truth
in the inmost parts.
A broken spirit
and a contrite heart.
Amen. Amen. Amen.
1 comment:
dear soot, all i can say is that you must struggle with God. don't give up. you know that so many of us feel like doing it. but each and every time, God proves Himself faithful. He said that he will not tempt us beyond what we can bear. He will keep His word. it's hard to believe in that when we're tempted, but God our Loving Dad. let's delight in His laws, knowing that it is meant for our good.
soot, many people search their whole lives for true friends and fail to find even one. but let me suggest that we are all your brothers and sisters who will support you through each trial. i do not want to compromise God's laws.
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God is God and i am not
i can only see a part
of the picture He's painting
God is God and i am man
so i'll never understand it all
for only God is God.
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