Whence Shall These Struggles End?

I applied for and received the Barnabas position in my college, a position of Christan mentoring in the dorm that I will be assigned. It was the day after I was accepted onto the Barnabas team that an article my Barnabas from last school year was published in the editorial section of my college newspaper.

It was an article in defense of gay civil unions.

It was a well-written article, one that was the product of much thought and consideration. It was written in a conciliatory manner, not the usual antagonistic tone I have seen in other such writings. But, beyond that, he is a dear friend, one of the most humble, generous, honest, and open people I know. It was after much prayer, counsel, and research that he has taken this stand. It is not set in stone, and he admits the real possibility of being wrong, but it also paves the way for the lifestyle he has now chosen to lead.

And, it is this that has made me realize again: no matter how good a person I am, I am going to be horribly wrong and fall horribly short in many areas of my life. If he is right, I am terribly wrong; if such a person as he is wrong, how can I dare claim to be right about everything else? The very best that the Church has to offer are so very flawed.

I write this at a time when you, my fellow bloggers, as well as others have shared your personal struggles. I have mine too. I am currently working through thoughts about the Bible and how it should be read and interpreted in the light of new ideas that have been presented in my theology class at Calvin College, ideas that I would normally dismiss as being overly liberal and without good theological and scriptural justification, except that they come from sincere Christians who are more learned than I am. On a more mundane level, I recognize daily a great deal of self-centeredness that masquerades as hard-workingness, studiousness, or being disciplined, a self-absorption that gets in the way of loving God and loving others. And, that is just one of many frustrations I have in my spiritual journey. If I started to list them all, I would become so depressed that I would have to tender my resignation as Barnabas.

And yet, when I look back on my spiritual journey, where I have been and where I have come, I say: God has been good to me. And I trust He will continue to be good to me. His grace, how amazing it is! It is this hope alone that allows me to keep my faith, let alone grow in it or seek to serve. The very fact that I recognize my condition and feel frustrated is a sign of His grace: every time I feel I have grown or overcome, I see a deeper layer of deceit and pride within myself; and yet, I also see a greater potential to be the person God desires me to be. His work of sanctification is painful and lengthy. "How long more must I wait?" I ask. And yet, I have His promise that His work, though it may seem slow, will ultimately reach fullness.

I wish I could speak to your struggles and give you answers (and, candidly, I wish it more for my benefit than yours - another symptom of my pride and desire to be self-sufficient). That would give me so much more confidence as I prepare to become a Barnabas leader in this next school year. To be able to solve the problems that others present me...to say nothing of solving my own problems...but that is not the way it is. But this I know: God has chosen the weak to shame the strong, the foolish to shame the wise. My goodness is not a precondition of God's willingness to use me or you as His instrument of blessing. On the flip side, my being used does not make me any better than I was before, nor does it guarantee my continued "good standing."

I look forward to returning to you soon. I believe we have much to share, if we are willing and ready. There is much we can learn from each others struggles, and I trust there will be victories we can celebrate too. In the meantime, Godspeed on each of your spiritual journeys, however slow-going or meandering they may be. Hold on to hope, for we have a gracious God.