So much for blogging once a week. I have been staying away from blogs and writing. I’ve spent much of the past two years running away from my writing. Now that I know I am definitely majoring in humanities, I suppose I should stop all this silly self-denial.
I have rarely ventured out into the deep in my spiritual life. It’s as if I have spent most of my life wading in the shallows where I can see and feel the bottom. I want to stay in the place where I know God is a ‘safe’ God, a God who does not have extraordinary things in mind for me. There was a time when I wanted to do great things (though I never really had a clear idea what I would do), but now all I want is to get through the day without having to yell at students. I teach English on weekdays and SAT tuition on Saturdays, and I teach the Bible on Sundays. I’m really tired of teaching. And that’s a sign that I need to get back to why I’m doing all this in the first place. The best times are the times when I know I have come to the end of my strength, when I feel as if I will burst into tears if I have to yell “stop talking!” one more time. Because that’s when I let God step in.
It’s been hard, living away from home, carving a life for myself from the age of sixteen. In all this I have learnt that God’s grace is abounding. No matter how many times I run away, feeling small, shattered and weak, He’s always gently led me back. Even now I feel the gentle insistence of the Holy Spirit, urging me to take with faith the path I’ve always known I should take: to write. With great reluctance, I pick up my pen again.
1 comment:
Been running away too. Wrote in my journal last year that perhaps I'm afraid to major in Lit because it makes me delve deep into myself (and I don't always like what's inside of me) whereas Econs ... just lets me be.
But well. As a conference speaker said, God "engineer[s] circumstances and thrust[s] you out."
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