i wonder whether i'm the only one out the 6 of us who's wrestling with God. everybody's putting up posts about spiritual growth and disciplines, while all i've been typing for the past 4 weeks is my state of lostness in this Chirstian life.
after one and a half months of struggling in getting back into a close relationship with Christ, i feel like giving up. i feel as if i want to just be contented with my relationship with Him now which is knowing that i'm in His will but not hearing Him, feeling His presence or having any excitement for Him. i won't give up the faith, but i do feel like giving up on serving.
i'm struggling with the other youth leaders in YF. i just can't seem to communicate with them. whatever i do, i don't get support from them. it seems like i'm running a one-man show with all the younger ones under me. why don't the YF just break up and they can run one group while i run the other. alternatively, i'll just back out and let them lead. maybe i'll be even happier that way. no responsibilities. i've to keep backing up those young ones in the committee and defend all the arrows that are targeted towards them through me. why not just let go? retreat and let them take over. i've not been hearing God anyway.
i can't be silent for long nowadays. just a few minutes being silent or praying, then my mind wanders off somewhere. i'll tell myself that there's no point in having this quiet time and i'll just go off and do something else.
led worship yesterday with the songs 'His strength is perfect' by steven curtis chapman and 'thank you Lord for the trials that come my way...' i didn't sing these songs for fun. i really want to mean it, but i don't want to strive anymore. when i was preparing to lead worship, i didn't really hear God. i did spend some 2 hours preparing but the choice of songs seemed to be from me--what i felt like singing.
this whole week, i've been baking cookies to sell to church members to raise funds for johor flood victims. on the first or second day of baking, i started having toothache, which i later found out to be a serious cavity. still i had to continue for the rest of the week. then yesterday after returning from YF where i led worship, i finally came down with fever. my toothache was the cause of this and headache. at least my responsibilities were over. but still, where was God in all this? after doing everything, the main reason for doing these seem to be invisible in the picture.
i don't feel like bothering about trying to sit in silence and wait upon Him anymore. i don't feel as if i'll ever be on high for Him anymore. will i just by this end my growth in Christ? will this be the end just like many "Sunday adults" now who've once had a fervor for God? something tells me no, but what do i have to do on my part?
BLESSED
Blessed are those who dwell in Your house.
They are ever praising You.
Blessed are those whose strength is in You.
Whose hearts are set on our God.
We will go from strength to strength,
‘Til we see You face to face.
CHORUS
Hear our prayer, O Lord God Almighty.
Come bless our land, as we seek You,
Worship You.
BRIDGE
For You are holy.
For You are holy.
For You are holy, Lord.
5 comments:
Dear Ming,
No, you're not alone in struggling through the faith. But everyone must eventually bear his own struggle and see it through with Christ; we try to share our struggles, though--this blog is a new way to do it.
"i can't be silent for long nowadays. just a few minutes being silent or praying, then my mind wanders off somewhere."
I share that struggle too. Somewhere along the bicycle ride, God let go of the handlebars. Now He's watching to see how we manage. It's sometimes also called the "long dark night of the soul," a description by St Teresa of Avila, I think.
"i don't feel as if i'll ever be on high for Him anymore. will i just by this end my growth in Christ? will this be the end just like many "Sunday adults" now who've once had a fervor for God? something tells me no, but what do i have to do on my part?"
Through the silent periods, I've learnt to step in time with Christ, not jump ahead and worry about my growth curve or how the statistics aren't consistent. There's always been something He wanted me to learn through the silence--like when Jesus was sleeping in the boat throughout the storm.
Dear Ming,
No, you're not alone in struggling through the faith. But everyone must eventually bear his own struggle and see it through with Christ; we try to share our struggles, though--this blog is a new way to do it.
"i can't be silent for long nowadays. just a few minutes being silent or praying, then my mind wanders off somewhere."
I share that struggle too. Somewhere along the bicycle ride, God let go of the handlebars. Now He's watching to see how we manage. It's sometimes also called the "long dark night of the soul," a description by St Teresa of Avila, I think.
"i don't feel as if i'll ever be on high for Him anymore. will i just by this end my growth in Christ? will this be the end just like many "Sunday adults" now who've once had a fervor for God? something tells me no, but what do i have to do on my part?"
Through the silent periods, I've learnt to step in time with Christ, not jump ahead and worry about my growth curve or how the statistics aren't consistent. There's always been something He wanted me to learn through the silence--like when Jesus was sleeping in the boat throughout the storm.
Dear Ming,
You are not alone in struggling with your faith, though perhaps your struggles are taking the center stage in your life right now.
The Christian life is a marathon, not a sprint. Nobody can be on a high or on fire continously. Read about Elijah - after his victory over the priests of Baal, he feared for his life and ran into hiding. My mother could not find an effective place in the church to serve (and she's a pastor's wife!) for some years, before she started to lead an amazing childrens ministry. There are seasons of quiet and frustration as there are seasons of fire and success.
I commend your desire to serve, to be involved. However, service and involvement is not the defining indicator of our spiritual maturity and growth. If you need rest, rest. None of us are irreplacable. Sometimes, God needs to get us to stop working so we can better sit at his feet, so we can better grow.
If you can, do find an adult you can talk with. I have found that my desperate fears and struggles are often things that many others have gone through. Have you found someone to be accountable to? I think I speak for us - we are here for you.
Take care. Keep searching. Don't give up on God. Don't give up on yourself. He will not quit on you.
"Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief
And graft my soul upon Your grief..."
I've hardly been growing, and I'm just beginning to come to terms with my lostness.
I guess there's a place for deserts too.
~SimianD
Dear Ming,
Indeed, you're not alone.
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