I love You, my Lord Jesus!

It has been two weeks since my silent retreat with Alissa. it is true, i found God there. At least, i knew that i could return to Him. i know that He was just calling me home to Him.

I had been serving in youth and doing my devotions without experiencing Him. i've been praying words based on the truth of his Word and His promises, yet i never really expected from Him. i've never really believed that His promises were for me. What a waste! After all the experiences and knowledge he has given me, all could offer was just empty words which impressed others. how could the ministry i led have grown when i did not?

last year crashed down on me after STPM, when i realised how empty and undirected i was. i had been busy studying and praying that God would give me the strength and perseverance to study my target of 8 hours a day. "He cannot deny Himself." He remained faithful and granted me my request. and there i was after STPM thinking that i would be relieved, but it striked me that i was not. the freedom i had expected did not come. i was struggling to find out where i was and what i was going to do next. life felt so messy. i had not allowed God to talk to me.

i felt His assurance to return to him at the retreat. there i made a commitment to spend time to wait upon Him each day. yet maybe it has been too long since i sat silently in his presence. i came home happy but i couldn't spend the amount of time i used to be able to spend with Him. i still struggle to recover that intimacy with Him. each night, i persevere in reading His Word despite feeling that distance between us. i know that one day i will feel intimate once more.

another thing i'm struggling with is the discipline of fasting. i have not fasted for at least 4 months. and i can't bring myself to it now. i have nobody to encourage me on and i just can't decide to do it. i pray for friends and for accountability partners.

my post is quite disorganised. i'm still partially lost. i'm waiting to see what God has in store for me. i am still His and will remain His forever. I love You, my Lord Jesus! hear my declaration and my cry.