Wanted: Single-minded Disciple

I subconsciously assume this blog is for expressing some blinding spiritual insight, I think, which is why I do not write so often. Or maybe I am just lazy. Or perhaps I am fearful of examining the depths of my life, or of revealing my spiritual struggles. Maybe I am too far from God and too close to materialism to actually have anything to say about my spiritual life. Perhaps it is all these things in various degrees of severity.

Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong in life. So many things I invested my time and effort in do not seem to have borne any fruit at all...at least, nothing that is visible. On one hand, sometimes you just don't get to see what happens to the people you have tried to encourage in their walk with God. You just trust them to God. On the other hand, just seeing them grow a little more in the faith is something to thank God for and an encouragement to my faith. I would be at peace, I suppose, if I was sure that I had done my best. But I look back and I realise that I have spent so much of my time in double-mindedness, unsure whether to pursue success in academics and the rest of the world, or whether to pursue God and make His will my own.

From reading Acts, I realise that for the disciples, the evangelists, the martyrs, there came a time when they had to give up everything and not look back. They could not afford to. They could get discouraged and lonely, but they could not say something like, "It would be better if I had not given up my home and my right to choose my own job." Disciples carry their cross. They put their hand to the plough. They don't look back. For many of the disciples, I suppose the moment came either when they witness the resurrection or on the Day of Pentecost. Does that moment exist for me? Something like an Aldersgate for Wesley, or Luther's realisation of what Romans 1:16-17 meant. Is there a moment like that for our generation? For our nation? There have been many moments, but they didn't go beyond the experience itself. I hunger not just for a spiritual experience, but a spiritual life. Do I know what that will cost me? Am I willing to pay it? Lord, help me count the cost.