Romans 8: 28-30
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

The verse at the centre of the predestination debate. Do humans really have no free will? Does God determine everything? And if He does, then are some people assigned to hell? As I ponder these questions, I think we are asking the wrong ones. Whence derives this assumption that predestination and free will are polarised? What is predestination in the first place? Maybe it's God working for the good of those who have been called; maybe it's God determining the ultimately good outcome of the "called" ones, whether going through good times or whether suffering persecution to further his kingdom. In which case it isn't talking directly about free will. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" is the following verse. So Paul is definitely still talking about living the victorious Christian life in a broken world, not about who gets to heaven and who does not.

And it also struck me that vs 29 has God's foreknowledge preceding his predestination--"those God foreknew he also predestined." The paradox of free will and predestination arises, in fact, from our inability to distinguish between the power to choose and the power to determine an outcome. Nobody has the power to make a coin come down heads just because they choose to side with heads. You can still choose a side, though--that's my current stand (non-Calvinistic, in rough terms, I think. Never really got into the theology of the debate). But God does have the power to determine that whatever happens, it happens for good, according to His purposes. And so in the world He decided to send Jesus to die on the cross, because he already knew the outcome behind the ignominy would be the glory of the risen Saviour and his Church. He knew beforehand the condition of our hearts and I believe God is big enough (omnipotent enough--but I don't really like the word...sounds a bit clinical sometimes) to actually know who will accept Him and who will not. So if he chooses to harden hearts and use some vessels for ignoble purposes, etc (Romans 9:16-18) it really is, as Paul says, none of our business, since our minds are too limited to comprehend his understanding, which sees all time in a heartbeat--and really, cause and effect are not things he's limited by (in physics terms, just because God made the arrow of time point one way, it doesn't mean his knowledge is limited by its direction). As created beings we simply are not in a position to judge people's heart and say, oh this person deserves to have better in life, and this person doesn't. I like the way Gandalf puts it to Frodo, who thinks Gollum ought to have been killed: "Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement."

Well, whether we are Calvinist, non-Calvinist, or whatever fine distinction we want to make over the millionth part of a hair, it remains that we should not make distinctions between people in terms of judgment because we can't. Our responsibility is to spread the gospel, not decide who lives or dies, who is predestined or not, who deserves better or worse. I leave it in God's hands, because I trust he understand justice more than we do.

Lent ahoy!

I'm so used to quoting distinguished writers, philosophers, scientists, rock stars... I think I'll start this off by quoting a friend. After all, friends are no less distinguished, are they?

She wrote, and I take the liberty to annotate with my own thoughts;

I am learning to trust that God gives enough for the day, that I will somehow be able to finish my work in time, despite giving up my time for church and praying and friendship.

Church and praying and friendship. Seems more or less what I've been giving up my time for so far, this semester. I suppose the motives are quite different, though; truth be told, I'm just too lazy and I'm somewhat addicted to the company of others.

But I thank God for endurance and strength in my nearly never-ending string of extra-curricular activities.

When all's said and done and the final bell tolls, I think God's not going to ask me how many A's I got but how many disciples I made, how many moments I made count for Him.

How many moments have I made count for God? Not quite as many as I'd wish I did. This Lent... to make more moments count?

But why do we still face temptation (and sometimes give in)? I guess God wants us to find our strength to stand up under temptation, and He wants us to find our strength in Him. If that means making a few more errors while we go the wrong way in order to find the right one, His mercy is such that He allows it. Because He doesn't want us to remain softies who fall at one blow (though it's perfectly fine that that's what I am now). He wants us to grow to be mature Christians.

Writing as one who knows firsthand what this means and having scars to show for it--scars that are still being added as the battle goes on--it is nonetheless an often frustration process. Yet I have hope because I know these things really do happen, that by God's mercy the right way truly can be found.

So I've found that in my life and in the life of others, God clears us of our sins instantly (justification), so we have complete salvation. At the same time, and paradoxically so, redemption is a process. God isn't finished yet.

I like the way you put it. And that word, redemption. I think it lies at the centre of a lot of thoughts I've been having and a lot of things that have been going on in my life lately. Of the two, I really think redemption is the more incredible act; salvation is a big thing, to be sure, but it only involved the death of Jesus. Redemption, on the other hand, is to me very much our death as we share in His.

Don't you know it makes me feel like glass to write and write from the core of my being and face only a crystal silence? Just a line! Not to thank me or whatever. But a line from you about you and about Romans or whatever. I love letters.

(I don't suppose this line was meant for me, but I'll respond to it anyway!)

I love Romans! Romans 7 and 8 especially. The countless times those chapters met me in moments of great despair and fear as much as in moments of glorious triumph and optimism. How indeed the Spirit through St Paul had walked with me even when I least knew it!

* * * * *

If every Christian gives 2% of our time on earth to social causes...

That's about 30 minutes every day. 210 minutes or 3 1/2 hours a week.

There must be something I can do.

* * * * *

...Today, if you hear his voice,

do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,

where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.

For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways."

11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
"They shall never enter my rest."

--Psalm 95:7-11 (NIV)

There is this song by Mary Wetzel called 'With All My Heart', one of those songs from the Donut Man collections. I think it has become somewhat of an anthem for me lately.

With all my heart
I will follow after You
With all my soul
I will praise You, O Lord
With all the strength that You have given me
I'll not be led astray
With all my heart
I will walk in Your ways.

As I read the psalm, I realise I do not want to be a person whose heart goes astray, who does not know the ways of my Master.

Alissa, as I read your recent entries on this blog, I began to realise the direction I need to take this Lent: it is reconciliation.

Over the last few months, since starting life in university, I'd successfully made it through one semester without falling into some old pitfalls that have dogged me virtually every year in school. But some things went wrong towards the end of the year, mostly because of me being headstrong and stubborn and all. Now, looking back and, to some extent, looking ahead, I realise I need to make amends with some of these people. I need to ask their forgiveness.

It is difficult to live knowing you carry the name of God, especially when you are a committee member in a Christian organisation. How much simpler life would be if I didn't have that burden! I could be drunk and wild and loose anytime I wanted; but not when I bear this.

Yet would I rather be anywhere else? A few weeks ago a truth came to me; a truth that said, simply, "This is where you are." A truth that spoke to a lot of fears and doubts I'd had last year; that spoke by stating the obvious, no more and no less. And yet it was the answer I needed.

To spend Lent working on reconciliation. Thinking of the life of Christ, I suppose it makes sense that way, doesn't it?


(The pun-ish, semi-lame title just came spontaneously at the end of this post.)

Vignettes Of James

Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
James 1:22

Dear Father,

Your word speaks volumes about your heart, and shows me the condition of mine. With the Holy Spirit, it brings the pain of conviction, provides the words for repentance and speaks the freedom of truth. I want to delight in your word to the point that I also delight in following what it says. It's easy to stop at just reading and analysing. What does it mean to do what your word says?

Religion that God accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:27

Dear Father,

To do what your word says, I think may be this: to seek after your heart, and at the centre of your heart is your love for us, for the weak and defenceless. For the people whom society ignores and despises. I'm sure we're not barbaric enough to hate widows and orphans, but to you, to allow someone to continue living at the short end of unequal wealth distribution is to despise, isn't it? Your love is so much that to be apathetic is to hate.

If every nation in the world gave 2% of its GDP to alleviate world poverty we could eradicate poverty (assuming people used the money to become self-sufficient). If every Christian gives 2% of our time on earth to social causes, how much would we accomplish for your name? That's one year out of 50. What if everything we do in our lives is not to achieve financial security for ourselves but to seek the benefit of others? Does that sound just a little crazy?

If we were to live by your word, what does gaining the world and losing my soul really mean? Trying to gain pieces of the world, I lose pieces of my soul. I fragment, break apart. I am torn between two masters.

I am sorry.

Not many should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.
James 3:1

Dear Father,

Why should I be given the gift of discerning and teaching the Word I would like to know. You...you....you--well, there's no contradicting you, is there? What shall the clay say to the potter? Shall it whine for being given what can probably be considered a noble purpose? Still, I would like to have my say. I would like to say that what with your word being a light unto my feet and a light unto my path and all that, the world still looks like a pretty dark place to me. That I am afraid. Sometimes it's hard to admit being afraid. In this world it's weak to be afraid and uncertain. It's weak to be honest and transparent to the point that you sound like a child.

But your word wells up in my heart like a spring of water, washing away the creeping doubts. There's a power that's made perfect in weakness, a peace that passes all understanding, a strength that goes beyond the marshmallow crust we develop from being burnt by life's trials--crusty on the outside but mushy on the inside. Ineffable power, peace and strength. Ineffable...I like that word: incapable of being expressed in words. Sounds lazy, like I don't want to describe this. But in the end perhaps there are some things that are beyond understanding yet within experience. A strength with an unbreakable core. The strength of saints.

But why this gift? Why given at one and the same time mastery of and vulnerability to words? What am I for? The clay would still like to speak to the potter.

Till The Full Light Of Day

My cell group is embarking on a three-chapter-a-week journey through the Bible, and we have started on Romans. We share our thoughts periodically. Here are mine. I thought to edit the letter, but I think more nuances come through in the unexpurgated form (save for names)--for instance, the feeling that I must have been high when I wrote this.

Dear all,

Hello!

Thank you for the sharings. They are very encouraging and I learn new things from them. I think we don't have to share anything utterly "cheem" but just let the Word sink in and share from our heart. It would be very cool if more people share (hint hint) a line or two. I mean, I like to be long-winded but a short line can do as much (and even more) than any number of paragraphs. And I believe writing in is as much an action as it is a reflection. We encourage each other and ourselves, and develop (as P--- would call it) a rhythm of Bible reading and a pattern of encouragement. =D

Romans 7-9 presents some very challenging thoughts--challenging to human pride, that is. First of all, Romans 9 talks about God having mercy on whom he will, and the troubling example of Pharoah being raised up specifically to become hardened and for God to display his power to the world through him. I found this hard to swallow when younger. The question "Then why does God still blame us?" (9:19) was in my thoughts.

I suppose eventually one finds out that one has missed the trees for the wood (or however the saying goes). Reading this passage again, I realise that my thinking has changed over the years (hopefully this is the "being transformed by the renewing of your mind through the Holy Spirit" thingy in Romans 12:2). Rather than being a piece about God's harshness, Romans 7-9 presents His incomparable mercy. First there is a dilemma: we are at war within ourselves because we keep doing bad things which we don't want to do. But we are saved from this "law of sin" through Jesus so that we no longer need to fight from the losing side. We can start from the winning side instead. Like B-- said, we are called to work out our salvation and not work at our salvation, which I think is a powerful summary of the whole book of Romans.

Thus, we have the amazing freedom of living by the Spirit and no longer being trapped by sin. We are free to do anything and be anything, and not just keep acting self-destructively. I'm in the Humanities (i.e Literature, theatre and so on) and there people are always saying things to the effect that Christianity is controlling and limiting and whatnot. But I think that this is not true and I am angry. Yes. I am. Angry. (no, not the wanna shout back kind of anger). I had a Bible teacher once who compared living in sin to having a whole field to move around in, yet we insist in walking into the post in the middle, just coz' God said don't walk into it, it's not good for you. I guess that's a simpler analogy of what happened in Eden.

I would like to share, though, that this rhetoric of freedom can be daunting to people trapped in cycles of sin (like addiction and stuff). I had a friend who would think herself condemned when she read these verses, because she couldn't seem to be victorious over sin like all the stuff conventional church preaching says. And I don't mean to say that the Bible is wrong. I think this is something we absolutely need to know. It's just that real life can be pretty messy and in my experience most of the time God doesn't miraculously take our predilection to sinning away and leave us completely pure and holy do-gooders. But why do we still face temptation (and sometimes give in)? I guess God wants us to find our strength to stand up under temptation, and He wants us to find our strength in Him. If that means making a few more errors while we go the wrong way in order to find the right one, His mercy is such that He allows it. Because He doesn't want us to remain softies who fall at one blow (though it's perfectly fine that that's what I am now). He wants us to grow to be mature Christians.

So I've found that in my life and in the life of others, God clears us of our sins instantly (justification), so we have complete salvation. At the same time, and paradoxically so, redemption is a process. God isn't finished yet. There's a future glory that's just waiting to be revealed, that's so much more that anything we can imagine, and so much more than our sufferings can ever win for us, because it's a glory that Christ won for us through his death and resurrection (8:18). Don't you know the whole of creation is waiting for the moment when Christ comes back again (8:20)? Maybe that's what we are all really looking for, deep inside even without knowing it (8:23). Isn't that why we changed fairy tales to have happy endings? Aren't we all waiting for that ultimate happy ending? We are waiting for the redemption of our bodies, to be completely free of the sinful nature. Meanwhile, from what I've seen and known, I believe that God works in redemptive cycles in the lives of those who are trapped in cycles of sin. I have witnessed it in the lives of people around me. One who had constant outbursts of anger grew less angry over time, though she still continued to have outbursts. Eventually she stopped altogether. One who was trapped in addiction slowly came out of it, not without pain--but over the years, the desire for short-lived pleasure and self-gratification is slowly being replaced with the desire to please God, so that one gives in less and less to the addiction over time. And one whose life moved in cycles of depression found that each cycle, though more painful, ended in far more peace and joy than she could ever find on her own, all due only to the grace of God. We are all, I think, moving in redemptive cycles, slowly being weaned off an addiction to ourselves and placed on the highway to freedom in Christ. It is more true than we could ever know, that "the path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, growing every brighter till the full light of day" (from Proverbs, but I'm rushing off now so I can't find the reference. sorry)


So I ended somewhat off the topic but I just felt moved to give my testimony from the passage. I told you Romans 8 is my favourite! Please write back! (and I don't mean K-- and B--). Don't you know it makes me feel like glass to write and write from the core of my being and face only a crystal silence? Just a line! Not to thank me or whatever. But a line from you about you and about Romans or whatever. I love letters. Ok, before I can sound more berserk than I already do, I shall end.

Blessings,
-----

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread

I used to spend a great deal of time worrying about whether I could stay two steps ahead of my work. And then worrying when I couldn't. And then worrying whether I would be able to catch up tomorrow. This semester of studies I am barely able to keep up, if at all, especially since I am now "old" in my youth service and have to step up to lead a lot more. Between church activities, campus activities, and the six modules I'm taking for this semester (insane, I know), I should have plenty to worry about. But I'm not. Strangely. This semester seems to be about learning that God will give me my daily bread, and to trust Him for that. I am learning to trust that God gives enough for the day, that I will somehow be able to finish my work in time, despite giving up my time for church and praying and friendship. And throughout these weeks I have had just enough hours in the day to accomplish what that day required. And if I didn't finish what the world has demanded I finish, I know I did my best by my Father's standards. When all's said and done and the final bell tolls, I think God's not going to ask me how many A's I got but how many disciples I made, how many moments I made count for Him.

Preparing for an answer

And one thing more: Prepare a guest room for me, because I hope to be restored to you in answer to your prayers.

--Philemon 22 (NIV)


I found myself stuck at this verse.

Chian Ming (my CG leader) had painstakingly typed out the entire letter to Philemon because she was unaware that there were online Bible resources. As I was reading through the epistle, this verse stopped me in my tracks.

I suppose it's because of Paul's confidence that he would be released from prison, what with the instructions to prepare for his visit. And I wondered if I ever had so much faith, or at least, faith enough to make plans in anticipation of God's favourable response.

There's this story I heard a long time ago, and you might have heard it too, of how a community that was in the midst of a terrible drought got together to pray for rain. And then they stood out in the open to wait for the rain. At some point someone spotted in the crowd a girl with an umbrella, and so he/she asked her why she was carrying an umbrella. She said she wanted to be prepared for the rain.

I realise that all too often, I pray and then wait for an answer, but I do nothing to prepare myself for it. Maybe, to put it in simplistic terms, I have been treating prayer like a competition in which I submit my entry and then just wait for the results, rather than an ongoing effort like fishing or farming or helping organise a trip/reunion.

Paul's words to Philemon are an apt reminder to pray with anticipation.

How the past returns!

(I wrote this post in fragments and snatches over the last twelve days.)

* * * * *

If you told me three years ago that I would one day lead worship on guitar, I wouldn't believe you.

If you told me my childhood fascination with invertebrates and Mum's agreeing to buy me that first BUGS! magazine some twelve years ago would lead me to this course (and perhaps my very future!), I wouldn't believe you.

If you told me my first toy camera about ten years ago would lead me eventually to the D50 (via the Ricoh, nearly countless rolls of film and the G400) and my ever-growing passion for photography, I would have thought it incredible.

* * * * *

Laura led the second worship session at the recent PKV Leaders' Training Retreat. One of the songs we sang was 'Won't You Lord'.

Won't You Lord
Take a look at our hands
Everything we have
Use it for your plan

Won't You Lord
Take a look at our hearts
Mould it, refine it
As you set us apart

Chorus:
We want to run to the altar
And catch the fire
To stand in the gap
Between the living and the dead
Give us a heart of compassion
For a world without vision
We will make a difference
Bringing hope to our land

Bridge:
We will answer the call
To build this church without walls
Let Your glory be shown
Bring salvation to the lost
To the lost

It virtually became the LTR theme song (at least to me) when Kim Cheng drew so many lessons from it, weaving it into her message and challenge to us.

Laura. From the days in the VI's CU to a near-chance encounter at UM's Festival Seni about a year ago, and now to this... how God has weaved our lives together. Two years ago I would have never imagined serving as her colleague in university!

* * * * *

Kim Cheng shared from Romans 12:1-2.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

And this is what being a church without walls is all about.

This is what the altar means to us.

Above all this is the heart of God's work of consecration and the definition of a 'set apart' leader.


I have always found this verse difficult, and maybe for that very reason I should keep it before me especially since it is the most troublesome and incising truths that have the greatest potential to change us.

* * * * *

Pastor Vincent opened the year with Acts 1:8.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

I left church that day with this question in my head; "Is this God's call to go and His promise to change us by His power?"

GT's theme this year is "The Year of EmPOWERment" (yes, spelt verbatim), and I don't think they could've found a more misrepresented word.

Among Christians in general, some cling on religiously to the word, entertaining dreams of untold power and the ability to control their lives and the lives of others around them. Others, on the other hand, are sceptical about it; surely the Gospel is a message of laying down our arms and not one of domination.

And both have their reasons and there are perhaps many other stances on the word 'power' but this is not the point.

The point is that the promise of the Spirit is a promise of power. It is the promise of a power to do what only God can, and man cannot. In Zechariah 4:6, God declares: "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit."

Looking ahead to the months before me, I am at once overwhelmed by the immensity of the task at hand and the many challenges of balancing ministry and the 'day job' and also the challenge to turning the 'day job' into ministry and ministry into the daily job, yet at the same time I am encouraged and strengthened knowing that I can--and I must, for no human can do this by the strength of man alone--draw on a power beyond me and beyond this universe.

* * * * *

God must have a sense of humour to recruit the people he does. Surely it is not because He has limited resources, for He can raise anyone, even a donkey in the classic account of Balaam!

But such is God's nature to use the most unlikely of servants.

And such is God's nature to 'resurrect' things buried in the past and redeem them in the present in ways we can never imagine. To see all these things I knew before, taking on a new significance now... it's just beyond my comprehension. How the mistakes of the past have been redeemed, how my weaknesses have been a backdrop for the display of God's grace and mercy, how the little insignificant decisions made many years ago have shaped the many years that followed.


I journey on.

How Deep, High, Long and Wide is the Love of Christ

As bread that is broken
Use our lives
As wine that is poured out
A willing sacrifice
Empower us Father
To share the love of Christ
As bread that is broken Lord
Use our lives

~Paul Baloche and Claire Cloninger

I spent the last few months of 2007 preparing for HIGHER, my church's youth camp. The preparation, and the camp itself, is an experience that I still can't put words to. I have never had the privilege to be part of something so big, with 130 odd campers, and so humbling when we caught a glimpse of God's awesome love for us. I could congratulate myself for sticking to the job and giving my all for this (which I have never done before, being normally inconsistent), etc etc, but in my heart I know it's not the complete story. I know I only did a good job because there was a strong sense of God's intention for the camp, His Higher purpose, throughout the planning. Our leaders prayed over it and gave us their complete support; church administrators helped us with food; plans that fell through came together again in the nick of time.I was especially humbled by the way everyone in the committee gave their best for the Lord through this camp. With such a cloud of witnesses, there was no reason to run half-heartedly. And I believe God has used this camp to prepare us as a community for His service in this year.

This year I want to learn a little more what it means to serve as broken bread and poured out wine. I don't think it is possible to ever come to the end of learning this. Perhaps that's what all this excitement about Jabez and enlarging our territory means. God will continue to draw us to the very edge of ourselves, our abilities. If I think I cannot possibly be more broken than I was last year, or that I have not one more drop left to give, that's when I learn how God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. I need to realise just how empty I am so that I can be filled with God's strength and love, filled to overflowing, filled to the point that my heart is stretched and my spirit enlarged. And I will have learnt more the depth of Christ's love and forgiveness, participated more in his sufferings, and anticipated more of the glory to come. That's what I want out of this year: to enter the depths of Christ's love in serving to the point of brokenness. And to remember (as the melancholic me often forgets) that in the midst of that brokenness I can still rejoice in the knowledge that what is in store will be so much greater, and worth the effort, just as Christ, knowing the glory that was ahead of him, endured the cross.

Harvest and Judgement

Harvest is part of judgement, and judgement part of harvest.


Seek the LORD and live,
or he will sweep through the house of Joseph like a fire;
it will devour,
and Bethel will have no one to quench it.

Seek good, not evil,
that you may live.
Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you,
just as you say he is.

Hate evil, love good;
maintain justice in the courts.
Perhaps the LORD God Almighty will have mercy
on the remnant of Joseph.

--Amos 5:6,14-15

I have heard it said in some quarters that we are living in the end times because the world seems to be hurtling towards its doom, and apparently the 'signs of the age' are increasingly manifest.

Not that I disagree about the signs of the age, but nonetheless I can't help wondering what's so different about this age compared to the ages before. I'm sure the Roman Inquisition was no less horrifying than the Holocaust, nor the Crusades less terrible than the War on Terror.

The call of God in Amos has echoed throughout history and echoes still: seek the Lord, seek good, seek justice.

Do horses run on the rocky crags?
Does one plow there with oxen?
But you have turned justice into poison
and the fruit of righteousness into bitterness--

you who rejoice in the conquest of Lo Debar
and say, "Did we not take Karnaim by our own strength?"

--Amos 6:12-13

According to the NIV text note, 'Lo Debar' means 'nothing' and 'Karnaim' means 'horn', which here symbolises strength.

I am inclined to agree with Alissa that evil is less an entity on its own (as in an 'evil act' perpetrated) and more a matter of a 'wrong good' done. Amos 6:12 illustrates the perversion of the natural order of things and I think this harmonises with the thrust of Genesis, which is that sin and all that we know as evil traces its roots to the corruption of that which was meant for good.

And the line that immediately follows in verse 13 puts it bluntly, in an almost Ecclesiastical manner: "you who rejoice in the conquest of 'nothing'..."

We who build our own castles in the air and boast of our strength, in the face of the fact that what we build today can be so easily torn down tomorrow. And Jesus was clear about this in His teachings on storing our treasures and seeking the Kingdom of God.


Reading Amos over the last few days has been an enriching and sobering process. I am being reminded of God's original purpose for creation and the promise of restoration. And I am being encouraged even to live for Him in this in-between time.

The futility of Israel's attempts to keep itself afloat is also our futility, and it is good to know that our hope and security and future is in One whose strength is not our strength, whose call is unflinchingly severe yet full of grace; and for whom we were created that we may seek Him and live, that we may turn from our ways and our strivings and learn to breathe and live in Him.

Peace

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord
sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

Psalm 3:5-6

I don't have much to say this week; I would just like to thank God for sustaining me through the exams and giving me the assurance of victory. It's not the same as success. He hasn't promised great results as if I didn't have to work for it. But more like victory over the tens of thousands of anxieties that crop up daily for the compulsive temperament; victory over the fears and confounded perfectionism that kept me from writing complete essays in timed exams.

This peace is so valuable, and yet, looking back at my life I realise just how much time I spent running away from it, seeking "better" things that I thought would make me happy, if only I had them. I spent disproportionately more time on studies and no time on praying. I seemed to be doing a lot of running around, chasing butterflies that wouldn't be caught. I'm still learning how to be still, to stop and look at Christ, trusting that he will provide all that I need for the day.

Ephesians 1:19-21

"and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 2ar above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."

i don't have much to share. but this verse helped me a lot when i was facing a spiritual attack about a month ago-- that the power that raised Christ from the dead is the power that is in me. i was and still am very much encouraged. in many things i fear, but what to say? i have Christ in me. what more should i fear?

i can only say that "i love my God." through all that has been happening, only His love sustains me. His promises i hold dear because by them i gain comfort and strength to carry on...

Immeasurably More

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

--Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)


I think I am at times prone to underestimating God. Not the sort of underestimating in which I doubt if God can perform some great miracle, but the sort in which I wonder if God can really provide just enough grace for the nearest challenge, the struggle at hand.

The subtle day-to-day trials, the all-too-human conflicts and the overfamiliar grind--all of which never seem to need God's involvement. And it seems so easy to apply myself to these without thinking that God is necessary in facing them, let alone capable of helping me overcome them in ways I can barely imagine.

Usually I have an idea, and then, in no particular order, I find a verse to help express that idea within a Biblical framework and a picture to accompany it. This time the idea came last. I was fiddling with the picture when it suddenly seemed to convey metaphorically an answer to a thought that arose in an argument yesterday. Finally the verse came and linked it all together.

What the picture said to me was this: If a chef can make all sorts of delicious masterpieces (of art as much as taste; and believe me, nearly all restaurants in that part of KL serve miniscule but meticulously--and often perfectly--prepared portions!) out of the basest of ingredients, then can't God do the same with the base elements of my--our--daily experiences?

This isn't a new revelation, but a reminder, for I all too easily forget. The chef knows how to cook. Another word that has kept recurring (from those Frederick Buechner essays) is trust. And it isn't hard to see the connection. To believe the chef is capable is to trust the chef.

To trust the chef, not with my life, but with the food that is a part of my life. To trust God, not so much with my life itself, but with the ones who are so much a part of my life as well. And to trust Him with the one who is, perhaps a little more than all the others, a part of the very heart of me.


(Photo taken on 6 November 2007 at EEST Restaurant, Westin Hotel Kuala Lumpur.)

Imagination and Faith

Isaiah 65:2

"All day long I have held out my hands
to an obstinate people,
who walk in ways not good,
pursuing their own imaginations--"

In my younger years I intentionally stayed away from the arts. Apart from practical considerations and a liking for science, I stayed away because I sensed a deep fracture between imagination and spirituality, and I was afraid. Imagination by itself as an abstract concept is morally neutral, but since the time of Eve it has been used to imagine a world without God that could be better than what God has provided. But how can you add to infinity? As SimianD has put it, is there more than God's calling us to do all that we can do in His infinite Spirit?

The arts world at large is given over to creating and interpreting a world without God. My introductory lit module is on modernity, so lectures week by week are about the absence of God and the failure of self-empowerment to create, failure to create a self-identity, failure to commemorate loss--failure, in fact, to be who we imagine ourselves to be. At the same time, we celebrate the agony and ecstasy of an indomitable imagination. This is how G.K Chesterton eloquently phrases the frustration of self-discovery:

We have all read in scientific books, and, indeed, in all romances, the story of the man who has forgotten his name. This man walks about the streets and can see and appreciate everything; only he cannot remember who he is. Well, every man is that man in the story. Every man has forgotten who he is. One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego; the self more distant than any star. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God; but thou shalt not know thyself. We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
(G.K Chesterton, Orthodoxy: The Romance Of Faith)

Whether it is about rediscovering, uncovering, redefining or deconstructing the past, present, future, duration or eternal moment, the arts reaches out for that word at the tip of the tongue, that glimpse of grey fluff at the corner of the eye (1), that person whose face is an elusive blur. And so, in reaction to Old Religion's attempts to impose a limiting definition that homogenizes humanity, artists, philosophers and scientists have broken out in various directions, striking out on paths of our own making.

To tell the truth, I'd have given up already if I had to find my identity through religion--gone and lived a bohemian lifestyle or something in reaction to all the religious stuff I had to do in the past. Let's face it, the Church can sometimes be as messy as anything out there, so I'm not surprised that many people my age have left it to search for something that fits their imagination, something that might help us recover what we've forgotten, because it looks like the Church is wandering in the private wilderness of its backyard. But we find our identity not through serving, not through being good Christians, but in loving and being loved by Christ. Love--it sounds so soft, but it's deeper than the deepest roots of the mountains that plant their feet into the heart of the earth. It goes beyond the romanticised notions of heroic, noble deaths...many people die nobly and heroically for a good cause, even in this cynical age. I can't get over how Christ would die ignobly for our cause, even when we didn't want or deserve it.

We need to reclaim the arts. Not for Christendom, not for the Church or old jingoism like that. Just to use our imaginations to the fullest potential for Christ. Despite all that the academic world tells me about religion limiting the imagination, I still believe that our greatest freedom is in remembering who we are in Christ--a free people no longer thrall to sin. So here I am, fearfully on the brink of the arts world, wondering how to bridge this mental chaos so that spirit and imagination are not sheared in separate directions, wondering how to read and argue through modern and postmodern ideas without losing myself or my faith.

Notes:

1. Imagery taken from Sula by Toni Morrison.

Reflections on Prayer

The following is my attempt at making sense of various thoughts and threads that have occupied my mind over the last two weeks or so.

It was written as an open letter to the Christian Fellowship's mailing list, but I've made some edits for d'NAer readership here.


Calling

For He says to Moses, “I WILL HAVE MERCY ON WHOM I HAVE MERCY, AND I WILL HAVE COMPASSION ON WHOM I HAVE COMPASSION.”

So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy.

On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it?

Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?...

~ Romans 9:15-16, 20-21 (NASB)


So I’m the new Prayer Coordinator for the PKVUM (Persaudaraan Kristian Varsiti UM).

As I reflect on God’s calling in this area, I think of Jesus’ words to His disciples, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” (Mark 6:31b)

The disciples had come to Him and reported all they had done and taught. Naturally, the crowds also followed and they were so busy with ministry that they did not have a chance to eat (Mark 6:30-31). That is when Jesus called them to solitude.

Henri Nouwen points out that the literal translation of the words ‘pray always’ is ‘come to rest’ (Greek hesychia) and that a hesychast is ‘a man or a woman who seeks solitude and silence as the ways to unceasing prayer.


Experience

Since becoming Prayer Coordinator, I’ve ‘headed’ two activities: the midnight prayer at DTC (Dewan Tunku Canselor) and the three-day morning prayer meetings at KPS (Kompleks Perdanasiswa, i.e. Student Centre). What have I learnt from these?

At DTC, we gathered at the porch while the votes (for the student elections) were being counted. The Aspirasi (pro-Government) squad had not arrived yet, but Gagasan (pro-Opposition) supporters were already there chanting away (as they always do). It was unfortunate that when Aspirasi arrived, they could only blow whistles in a vain attempt to silence Gagasan.

Contrast that with the voice of prayer. We were nowhere as loud as Gagasan or as cacophonous as Aspirasi, yet in our prayer we believe we move the hands of God. We prayed for a just vote count, and Siew Yong (a PKV CG leader from the Science Faculty) pointed out to me that this was the first time in her experience that there was a revote and recount.

Did God answer our prayer?

If at DTC our battle was against the noisy world, then at KPS is was a battle against the sleeping world. It was hard, no doubt, to wake up early for prayer. By the grace of God I did not return to sleep having been awoken by my handphone alarm!

In total 21 came over three days, representing various colleges, faculties, universities (Suit Lin’s friend June from UKM) and even continents (our African brother Evans)!


What Some Said

“It’s a good shift from the routing of saying ‘hi’ first and praying later.”

“It’s true we always tend to think of agendas first.”

“It was my first time sleeping early in many weeks.”

“…coming together in prayers and sharing God’s word—you don’t know gives me joy.”


Prayer so far seems to me a sort of turning of our backs on the rhythm of the world. But the passage in Matthew 6 suggests that prayer can also be at times a turning of our backs on the rhythm of the church. When Jesus called His disciples away, they were in the thick of ministry. Could it be that even in prayer meetings we might forget to pray (i.e. in the hesychastic rather than the shopping-list sense)?


Deeper

…And prayer is more
Than an order of words, the conscious occupation
Of the praying mind, or the sound of the voice praying.

~ T.S. Eliot, from ‘Little Gidding’


A question that has come to mind recently is that of how God can listen not just to millions of people praying at once, but possible thousands praying in different tongues. Just to take one example from my experience, Sunday prayer meetings at 3rd College have been like that, with half of us praying in Mandarin and the other half in English.

Surely then prayer is truly more than ‘an order of words’ as Eliot wrote. Again the hesychastic theme recurs; perhaps prayer is more than sharing and asking, and involves a whole lot of being in God’s presence and of resting in Him who created rest for us.


Challenge

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings…

~ Philippians 3:10 (NIV)


Pastor Henny Sim of SIBPJ asked last Sunday (7 Oct), “Beranikan kita berdoa, ‘Jika saya bersalah, hukumlah saya’? Tetapi melalui hukuman Tuhan kita akan mengenali-Nya.”

To ask that we may share in Christ’s sufferings is to ask to be punished for sin, isn’t it? For Christ suffered for our sins, so to share in His sufferings would mean to ask not just to share in His sufferings for our sins, but also to suffer for the sins of others.


Maybe I’m out on a theological limb here, but just follow me for awhile.

The Pharisees used to have over 600 Sabbath laws, if I remember correctly, and many Christians believe that the New Covenant inaugurated by Christ is an exhortation to obey not the letter of the law, but the spirit of the law. I think they are correct in saying that, but not always aware of what it means.

Christ doesn’t make it easier to obey God, but harder. For instance, do we really understand what it means to obey the spirit of the Sabbath? It’s harder than 600 laws, because the Spirit of God is infinite. At least with 600 laws there’s a limit to what you can’t do. But with the Spirit of God, He calls us to do all that we can do.

The law of the Pharisees was built upon the idea that God would judge based on the evil we do (or don’t do). True enough, for a law of precepts and rules can do only that. But Christ makes it clear that He will judge us also by the good that we fail to do (see Matthew 25:41-46).

So it is harder to obey the spirit of the law simply because we are refusing to be judged by a finite system, and choosing instead to be judged by an infinite God. Talk about jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire; if we cannot even meet the demands of the law, how can we possible survive before the living God?


Baby Steps

I first read Nouwen’s The Way of the Heart in Alor Star. It was one of the most remarkable journeys of my life so far, initiated by the simple fact that SooT couldn’t come for d’NA that year [Stage 3, 2005].

It was also the longest journey I’d ever undertaken (nearly 11 hours by train; I know that can’t match David’s overnighter at the airport!), and I learnt that sometimes the most remarkable transformations take place when the journey is long.

This is for the night I locked Shern Ren out of the room.

This is for the conversation with Tee Ming in the train’s buffet coach.

This is for the prayer on the Alor Star platform at dusk.


Two years down the road, who would’ve guessed that I would possibly be heading a unit/department in which I am nothing but a child?

Here I am, knowing next to nothing about prayer, but learning a little every day. Here I am, hoping to make a difference of some sort in the lives of PKVians and the students of UM at large.


I surrender all
My silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow
Costs me everything

I surrender all
My human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

~ chorus of Clay Crosse’s ‘I Surrender All’


God has been merciful. Indeed the potter has the right over the clay.

This song has always challenged me, and it always comes back whenever the prospect of building a ‘kingdom’ looms near. I think in my immediate context, letting my kingdoms fall and surrendering all would mean learning to let God lead prayer and, harder still, learning to lead others that we may together let God lead our prayer.

But the Potter knows what He’s doing, so I’ll trust Him.

I have to.


Remember me as we walk together.

Weary and Refreshed; Joyful and Hanging in There

I am tired. Physically, I just ran at top speed for half a mile, chasing a Resident Assistant from my dorm, to give him a dripping-wet hug after playing in a fountain in the rain. (He wouldn't join the rest of us Barnabai and RAs.) Emotionally and mentally, I'm even more so. I've poured my heart and mind into Barnabas, into planning, organizing, and connecting. The constant awareness of that role and identity is challenging and exciting, but it can feel like such a heavy burden - though I was never supposed to bear the brunt of the load.

I was blessed with an amazingly refreshing weekend. God stepped in and gave me a break when I needed it - canceling a floor retreat and freeing up almost two days worth of time for me. And my mentor ordered me to rest. It was time spent in solitude, and time spent sharing my heart with some fellow Barnabas and with some close friends. And the ministry time I put in over that weekend - God sent people my way that (as Paul sometimes wrote in his letters) refreshed my heart.

Even with that rest, I find it hard to remain in that place of rest. I've been going through this day happy, joyful even. Smiling and telling people of how good God has been to me. Yet, even in the joy, I wonder if more weekends could be like the last, if I didn't have so much to do. And, I wonder what this Barnabas is going to do this week - how he is going to put in his fifteen plus hours, and how many of those hours will be effective, meaningful, hours. It is hard to give up control of that over to God.

And so, as I work on this thing called joy, as I learn to anticipate the day and week ahead in the light of God's goodness and faithfulness, I find myself vacillating often and wildly between peace and weariness. I've learned to leave behind much of my usual prolonged stress and worry. I still find it difficult to fill that with joy, laughter, and anticipation. I often find myself just hanging on, not sure how long more I can take this.

But God is good. He has not let me down. He has picked me up over and over again, and allowed me to experience some of the first-fruits of my service to Him. And, because of His love and faithfulness, I will continue my journey, I will seek Him out, I will look forward with insuppressible hope to His lavish banquet table.

And I will live in such a way that reflects that.

baby steps

Let us say that the first of october was the start of my attempt to rebuild the spiritual disciplines which I used to hold quite strongly to.

The first discipline I am trying to build is that of patience, and a little self-forgiveness. Looking at the past two days, without patience I think I would have just given up and declared myself a failure. So far my room looks as if someone ransacked it (I really want to have a neat room). I had two essays due and had written all my research on pink 4 by 6 notecards. Now they are strewn all over the place. Just imagine someone of my organisational capability attempting to write the bibliography....i took almost the same amount of time to write my essay! Miraculously I have not lost my cool once. It is really God's grace that I didn't burst into tears when I found out yesterday, two hours before the deadline, that I had not met the formal requirements for my sociology essay.









This is what I would normally have felt like, under such, but instead, I was peaceful and calm. I would normally also feel very angry with myself, for being so absent-minded that I somehow missed reading the file on essay requirements.

I am glad. I would really like to have a great essay and good grades, etc. etc. But I also need sleep and a regular schedule (I am prone to getting depressed near the end of the year). Perhaps this patience and self-forgiveness thing is basically about surrendering my perfectionism. I know my essays could have been better. But I also know that I couldn't have made them better given the time I had and first-year blurness...and I only know it only from hindsight, anyway. Somehow in the past I always thought that if I knew how to do it better later then I should have done it like that. But mistakes are mistakes and regret does nothing.

So I am learning to be free, and I really thank God for the grace He's given me to live through this week.

Disciplines

A friend recently said she wanted to enjoy her freedom in Christ. To her, it was freedom to do the things which she enjoyed even if they were not necessarily beneficial, such as going out to clubs. I had to accept that.

And I told her I wanted to find my footing in church again and that the new youth leader had challenged me to find an area of service (I have recently stepped down from cell leadership) if I didn't feel comfortable leading a cell anymore. At the start of this year I wanted to be free to do things I wanted to do, like sports and work and read. In the end I found that I may have been happy, but I didn't have joy in what I did. In fact most times I wasn't happy either. Now I know what I really want to do is serve God. My friend said she would have to accept that, that I was becoming more churchified.

Ah, unfortunately the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Can I get back on track? Now that I have a steady internet connection, will I be able to blog as a discipline?

The greater question, perhaps: is having a strict timetable truly impossible in university and does being disciplined mean becoming more rigid? No, I don't think so. I hope that I never become that whitewashed. Let's try to recap the fundamentals of spiritual discipline.

First, spiritual disciplines are not for the sake of themselves but in order to grow closer to God and realise the full extent of our freedom. So being disciplined is like being a sportsperson who trains hard for the game, and orders his or her lifestyle around that sport (diet, exercise, regular sleep, etc) so that he can realise his full potential when he's out on the court.

Disciplines are also not to be used to make oneself seem spiritually superior to others. Judging others and ourselves based on spiritual disciplines is the surest way to becoming an unbending and unhappy church server.

Gee, how do I do this? I don't know. But I will try to blog on the practical aspects of my progress. Blogging about it is a discipline too. heheh.

Musings: When death has a meaning

Isaiah 57:1-2

The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.

In our moment of grief it is difficult to see how even death can be a blessing--at least for the one departed. How long would you want to live in a world full of trials? I think I would want to live long enough to understand what faith means.

Short-changing God

my friends, i've been wanting to write to all of you... life here... i keep struggling. my elder tell me, "Rest in God." i just need to rest in Him and all will be well. and i guess this is what Sabbath is all about-- a day of rest given by Daddy for us to rest and allow Him to be the focus in our lives.

i haven't been studying much due to heavy involvement in my uni moon cake festival. i enjoyed myself much but put aside some 15 lectures. went for CF on wed night and church this whole morning. finally, out of tiredness, i was tempted to skip CF and church to study and to sleep. today is meant to be my Sabbath day, but i was tempted to study, to depend on my own understanding to pur more effort into my studies. everybody else is studying. i haven't been.

it has been difficult for me to strike a balance between studies and God. there's CF, church, then there're activities and sports and spending time with people. i seek to be a blessing to others here. i want to give people what Daddy has given me-- the love, comfort, family, wealth... but in all these, time is needed. do i serve in CF or church or lead bible study or spend time with people to tell them about God's love or sit in my room and study God's Word or join activities to represent God's people?

my friends, i long so much to share God's love. i want people to know that there's a God who loves them. even some Christian don't know that... but there's too much to do. people say, "set priorities." but i don't even know what my priorities are. i need Daddy to speak to me. what does He want me to do for Him?

Musings: a witness to pain

Do you have the courage to admit that you feel life is meaningless and empty? Do you have the humility to admit it to someone who you know might just give you the stock answer about God? Or when the person facing meaninglessness is your friend, do you have the courage to maintain a presence with them? Not to speak of the God of all comfort, but just to be? To be a comfort, to be a person who acknowledges pain, even if you don't feel if yourself--to be a witness to it because in doing that I suppose you bear witness to your friend's life? Like Victor Klemperer who wrote about the Nazi years in his diaries, a collection now called "I Will Bear Witness." That's witnessing. It's not just talking about Jesus. It's about being a witness to the pain.

note: Musings presents alternative views of the alternative life. Not everything should be taken literally, e.g I obviously don't mean that we don't talk about God at all when witnessing.