Discipleship - The Continuous Spritiual Disciplines

A recent conversation with another member of this blog got me thinking again about the approach we take toward discipleship and holy living. In the conversation, I said something to the effect that "everything that takes place in life needs to point us back toward God." That can only happen - and it will necessarily happen - when we see all of life through the lenses of discipleship.

In the Bible, we are called to "pray unceasingly." In the book The Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence writes about living all of life as service unto God. How can this be? We often think that to practice the spiritual disciplines, we need to block time out of "regular" life and devote time and energy toward pursuing these disciplines. That is true of many disciplines, particularly devotion, study, meditation, prayer, silence, fasting...However, all of life can be turned into discipline too.

An 18 hour layover in an airport becomes a silent retreat. Work and study become exercises in faithfulness and joy. The annoying co-worker or classmate presents an opportunity to grow in love and patience. Friendships offer the chance to place others above self. And as we are conscious of using our routine, mundane experiences to grow in our relationship and obedience toward God, we become more aware of the faults we have and of the habitual sins we need to repent of. We also find that the boring things in life develop meaning and purpose. We find that God is interested in the details of our lives we so often dismiss as unimportant.

All of life is discipleship, every activity in life a spiritual discipline.

mostly about not worrying

I have seen how the Africans worship and I like the style.


At that time Jesus said, I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and the intelligent and have revealed them to infants...

--Matthew 11:25-27

Today's Sacred Gateway reading and a conversation with a 2nd-year senior this morning seem to be saying the same thing to me: don't worry, just enjoy uni.

Beverly (an Economics student at my college) is one of the brightest students in her faculty and a banana like me (whee!). Although she says she ought not to be called a banana, as she's very Chinese (i.e. not white), only that she doesn't speak or write Chinese.

Anyway, she took on a whole spread of activities and projects in her first year and still made it to the Dean's List. Talking to her reminds me of myself back in my schooldays. I suppose I've been hanging out with the wrong seniors; most sound like doomsday preachers (OK, maybe that was a little exaggerated, but the idea remains).

And here God has hidden the things of the kingdom from the wise and intelligent and has revealed them to infants. So I am certain it is not fear that will carry me through this year, but the joy of the Lord.

Why should this year be any different from the last fourteen years of my life?


"Let my heart become one with yours."

Thus the daily prayers at Sacred Gateway begin.

"Teach me to have a childlike trust in you."

And thus they end.


Let my heart become one with yours.
Let my heart become one with yours.
Let my heart become one with yours.

(I can already hear an African rhythm for this line!)

Amen.

single-minded devotion

Today on Sacred Gateway, the reading is the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). What stood out today were the opening and closing lines of the parable.

The lawyer asked, "Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

Jesus replied, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbour as yourself."

And then there are the closing words of Jesus, "Go and do likewise."


I have begun reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship. I suppose in a way, it took me some three-and-a-half years to progress from being in the Bonhoeffer group at d'NA to actually picking up a book by the man himself.

Some of you may know that discipleship is a theme that tends to appear quite frequently on my blog. Well, at least more frequently than other themes.

And I find myself wondering, can we reach a point where Jesus is all that matters? UM was an unexpected turn of events. I'd always wanted to go as far as I could and explore something totally new. Yet here I find myself in the midst of the very familiar, and yet also, I believe this is where I am meant to be for now.


There's a song that speaks of rest, of devotion, of encouragement. Which is what I badly need now, having the flu and trying to cope with the early stages of uni life.

Times of refreshing
Here in Your presence
No greater blessing
Than being with You

My soul is restored
My mind is renewed
There's no greater joy Lord
Than being with You

Is there no greater joy than being with our Lord? Sometimes I think I am in UM in order to learn devotion. At times I believe it would be easier for me to seek God in a foreign land and build a new life there.

Maybe that's where the word 'refreshing' comes in. There is nothing particularly 'new' about UM and this environment; yet in the familiar I must seek what I had always been avoiding. Can I refresh my life here? Build a new character?


Eliot's words, "And what you know is what you do not know."

With all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength, and with all my mind.


Random one coming up...


David at KLCC, prior to Yen's birthday lunch.

As you go...

From today's Sacred Gateway reading:

As you go, proclaim the good news. The kingdom of heaven has come near. Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons. You received without payment; give without payment. Take no gold, or silver, or copper in your belts, no bag for your journey, or two tunics, or sandals, or a staff; for labourers deserve their food.

--Matthew 10:7-10

When I think of the first line, I imagine someone wearing a strong perfume which diffuses into the air as he/she walks by. As you go, let the good news emanate from who you are.

The kingdom of heaven has come near.

You know, I really don't know how to reflect on this, sitting in the Computer Lab at the Institute of Biological Sciences, UM.

Somehow in this shift to uni life, God has become both distant and near. I find myself cut off from the so-called Christian support I had back at home (books, family, friends etc.) but yet I find this place more conducive to a disciplined life.

It is also a simpler, less cluttered life. Alissa might say this is partly due to the fact that I don't have my SLR with me. Which might be true.

My other half is across the South China Sea, and that has also exerted its influence on my present life.

As you go...

I'm going. Going? Gone.


His kingdom is here.

Rethinking the Victorious Christian Life

The title sounds almost sacrilegious, doesn’t it? The Christian life is supposed to be a life of victory, isn’t it? Aren’t we supposed to have faith in the promises that have been given to us in the Bible? Aren’t we supposed to be overcomers? What is there for a good, faithful Christian to rethink?

Quite a bit, actually. As I see many of my peers becoming disillusioned with our faith – some leaving it, others simply losing interest in pursuing it whole-heartedly – I wonder if it is not in part because the church has promised victories that God did not quite guarantee.

One extreme is the health-and-wealth gospel, the idea that no good Christian should fall ill, that a lack of healing is an indication of a lack of faith, that all who tithe faithfully are guaranteed a return on their eternal investment while in this life (which doesn’t quite make sense, if you think about it – there’s a reason it’s eternal). For most of us who call ourselves Christians in this part of the world, I don’t think we preach such a gospel.

We may, however, make more subtle errors.

In YF’s and CF’s, the message of Christianity is very upbeat and positive. We are told that God has a plan for our lives. We are told of the joy and freedom we have in Christ. We are told of the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us to overcome sin. Someone give me a Hallelujah! Someone give me an Amen! Cause it is true! It is all true!

…only, it is not quite the whole story. In the Christian youth culture, the flip side is (unintentionally, I believe) rather understated. We forget to preach about how long it took for God’s plans to make sense for some people. (And, anyone ever wondered about those Israelites who died in Egypt before Moses led the Exodus?) We forget to talk about Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, or Job, who said “The LORD gives and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” We fail to understand that the Christian life does not promise a set of continuous victories over sin in our lives - not that God couldn’t accomplish that, but looking at most of us, the changing process is full of ups and downs and takes all our lives. We have faith for a few weeks or months, and then we start getting impatient and wonder when God is going to show up.

Even those of us who understand this cognitively, we struggle when we experience it.

And I think that this is one reason why many waver in their faith as they transit from youth into adulthood and realize that life is complicated. The (temporary though seemingly long) incoherence of the life we experience doesn’t match up with the coherence of life Christianity is supposed to promise.

You see, we are victorious. But we are not victorious in every way now. And we expect more than has been promised us on this side of life.

And, ironically, we also expect less.

I don’t think we can fully appreciate the amazingness of the victorious Christian life until we understand the ways in which we are not necessarily victorious.

We can be victorious in all circumstances, even if we are victorious over no circumstance. We can be joyful and thankful always. We can pray always. We can trust and have faith in God always. We can be obedient always. We can love always. And we can do this, by the power and grace of God, regardless of whether life makes coherent sense.

These qualities – they are easy (easier at least) to practice when we are victorious over our circumstances. When we are in control. When we can change the outcome of the things going on around us. It may seem really unfair that we are expected to do the same when life is a mess.

Or, we can marvel at the fact that God has given us the ability to do the same, even when life is a mess. Such is a greatness and sufficiency of our God! Such is the quality of the victory we are promised! (And, we may yet see victory over our circumstances, if it is God’s good will and timing)

A final thought: I read somewhere that wisdom is not understanding the full plan of God for our lives. We keep searching and trying to pry and understand, mostly in vain. Wisdom is knowing how to respond in whichever part of God’s plan for our lives we find ourselves in. (This may be something we are a little less enthusiastic in searching for) True victory can be found in following true wisdom.

A final caveat: I don’t mean to swing to the opposite extreme and suggest a small God, or that the Christian life is nothing more than slogging and suffering and merely surviving. Significant and visible victories are to be expected in our Christian walk. I do think we often forget that the true measure of victory is not to be found in what is visible, or even how we feel, but in the measure of our dogged faithfulness to the truth in God’s Word (the doubts that assail our minds and the fluctuations of our emotions not withstanding) and our obedience to it.

Faith

Some meditations of faith, drawn largely from Hebrews 11, from one who is pondering and struggling with what faith is supposed to mean in his life, and why the Christian life isn’t always all some people make it out to be.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see…And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

Hebrews 11: 1, 6 – NIV

Hebrews 11 is an amazing exposition on faith with example upon example of people of faith in the Old Testament interspersed by concrete statements about what faith is. It is a passage that feels as if it should be set to poetry or music – such is the depth and power of its message. It is also a passage that, upon careful reading, is not merely inspirational but a massive reality check.

Faith is often presented as some towering emotional certainty and belief that overcomes all odds in the face of imminent danger or an overpowering obstacle. It has some magical quality to it that causes us to wonder if “the rest of us” can posses it in any great degree. Yet, faith in this passage is not linked with miraculous success and victory. Rather, in verse 39 the passage states that “none of them received what had been promised!”

Indeed, when we think of the many prophets in the Old Testament who lived by faith and preached by faith and died by faith because of their faith, we would dismiss many of them as failures today! Their preaching failed to change the nation of Israel and turn their people back to God. Instead, their audience hardened their hearts and pursued idolatry. If a pastor had such results in his church, many Christians would be quick to question his faith and his calling to his ministry. If we read the Old Testament closely, we will find that the prophets often questioned their own faith and ministry. Yet, from the experience of these prophets, who were vindicated by God it is clear that faith is no guarantee of “victory” over our external circumstances if we define victory as tangible, measurable success.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Faith in God is being sure of what we hope for in God’s promises and certain of God’s truth whether or not we see it in “reality.” We should not make the mistake of having faith in faith! If the list of people in Hebrews 11 had that kind of faith, it would not have lasted. They lived for long stretches of time without seeing any results from their faith, and died without the full and final vindication of their lives of faith. We see clearly the results, but they could not and did not. Should we then expect to see the results of our faith, except through eyes of faith?

Unless we are certain that God’s Word is true, we cannot persevere. It is difficult to have faith at the moment of some great test, when much is at stake. It is perhaps even more difficult to have faith when life is meandering, when little or nothing seems to be at stake. Abraham’s act of faith in leaving Ur was monumental, and we all remember that. His faith in continuing to journey for months, even years, is something we often forget. Not to mention the number of years he had to wait for the promise of a child to be fulfilled! In that time, he doubted, even tried to bring about God’s promises through his initiative, yet in all his doubt and confusion, he continued to have faith that God would do what he had promised.

What then is faith? It is a belief in God and His promises that enables us to live according to his Word, to lay down our lives, take up our crosses, and follow Him. Faith is not to be measured in our successes our through monumental events, but in how we follow after God every day, regardless of how little seems to be going on. By that measure, how much faith do I have? And yet, we are not called to have great faith, but to act on the little faith we do have. For even a mustard seed shall grow.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Wanted: Single-minded Disciple

I subconsciously assume this blog is for expressing some blinding spiritual insight, I think, which is why I do not write so often. Or maybe I am just lazy. Or perhaps I am fearful of examining the depths of my life, or of revealing my spiritual struggles. Maybe I am too far from God and too close to materialism to actually have anything to say about my spiritual life. Perhaps it is all these things in various degrees of severity.

Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong in life. So many things I invested my time and effort in do not seem to have borne any fruit at all...at least, nothing that is visible. On one hand, sometimes you just don't get to see what happens to the people you have tried to encourage in their walk with God. You just trust them to God. On the other hand, just seeing them grow a little more in the faith is something to thank God for and an encouragement to my faith. I would be at peace, I suppose, if I was sure that I had done my best. But I look back and I realise that I have spent so much of my time in double-mindedness, unsure whether to pursue success in academics and the rest of the world, or whether to pursue God and make His will my own.

From reading Acts, I realise that for the disciples, the evangelists, the martyrs, there came a time when they had to give up everything and not look back. They could not afford to. They could get discouraged and lonely, but they could not say something like, "It would be better if I had not given up my home and my right to choose my own job." Disciples carry their cross. They put their hand to the plough. They don't look back. For many of the disciples, I suppose the moment came either when they witness the resurrection or on the Day of Pentecost. Does that moment exist for me? Something like an Aldersgate for Wesley, or Luther's realisation of what Romans 1:16-17 meant. Is there a moment like that for our generation? For our nation? There have been many moments, but they didn't go beyond the experience itself. I hunger not just for a spiritual experience, but a spiritual life. Do I know what that will cost me? Am I willing to pay it? Lord, help me count the cost.

just to inform

ben's grandfather passed away on the night of 25th of may 2007, friday.

Hearing again... a little at least

You know you've been out of the Blogosphere when you didn't even realise Keat Lim has started blogging.

A little over a year since Akouo started, I wonder if I'm finally deaf enough to hear; if it's quiet enough for sound. It just dawned upon me that 'hearing' implies 'silence', or a higher level of discourse; a different frequency, so to speak.

i put Him at a corner of my life for a year and when i returned, He let me wait. i gave up and told Him that i wasn't bothered to get close to Him anymore. i told Him that i would just go about my regular routine of going to church and serving there as a committee member and reading my Bible and praying -- i'll do all the "doing" but wouldn't be bothered about the "being." i mean, it's quite easy to cover up, already having the reputation of being a spiritually matured person. if He were to speak to me, then good. otherwise, too bad...

a friend and i have been meeting about 4 times a week for the past month to pray for our Youth Fellowship. we prayed with expectancy that YF would grow. subtly, God spoke to me. i didn't even know that He was speaking until i talked to another friend. all that i can say is that He was gracious.

it has been quite tough to support myself in my spiritual life. after a batch of seniors in YF left about a year ago, i felt quite alone in this spiritual journey. nobody in YF was walking alongside me. i have been slacking. some of my principles, i no longer hold on to. part of me feels hypocritical. but everybody doing it anyway. i get rebuked for the things i was never rebuked for. lots of rebellion.

still loving Him, ming

I Pick Up The Pen Again

So much for blogging once a week. I have been staying away from blogs and writing. I’ve spent much of the past two years running away from my writing. Now that I know I am definitely majoring in humanities, I suppose I should stop all this silly self-denial.

I have rarely ventured out into the deep in my spiritual life. It’s as if I have spent most of my life wading in the shallows where I can see and feel the bottom. I want to stay in the place where I know God is a ‘safe’ God, a God who does not have extraordinary things in mind for me. There was a time when I wanted to do great things (though I never really had a clear idea what I would do), but now all I want is to get through the day without having to yell at students. I teach English on weekdays and SAT tuition on Saturdays, and I teach the Bible on Sundays. I’m really tired of teaching. And that’s a sign that I need to get back to why I’m doing all this in the first place. The best times are the times when I know I have come to the end of my strength, when I feel as if I will burst into tears if I have to yell “stop talking!” one more time. Because that’s when I let God step in.

It’s been hard, living away from home, carving a life for myself from the age of sixteen. In all this I have learnt that God’s grace is abounding. No matter how many times I run away, feeling small, shattered and weak, He’s always gently led me back. Even now I feel the gentle insistence of the Holy Spirit, urging me to take with faith the path I’ve always known I should take: to write. With great reluctance, I pick up my pen again.

Whence Shall These Struggles End?

I applied for and received the Barnabas position in my college, a position of Christan mentoring in the dorm that I will be assigned. It was the day after I was accepted onto the Barnabas team that an article my Barnabas from last school year was published in the editorial section of my college newspaper.

It was an article in defense of gay civil unions.

It was a well-written article, one that was the product of much thought and consideration. It was written in a conciliatory manner, not the usual antagonistic tone I have seen in other such writings. But, beyond that, he is a dear friend, one of the most humble, generous, honest, and open people I know. It was after much prayer, counsel, and research that he has taken this stand. It is not set in stone, and he admits the real possibility of being wrong, but it also paves the way for the lifestyle he has now chosen to lead.

And, it is this that has made me realize again: no matter how good a person I am, I am going to be horribly wrong and fall horribly short in many areas of my life. If he is right, I am terribly wrong; if such a person as he is wrong, how can I dare claim to be right about everything else? The very best that the Church has to offer are so very flawed.

I write this at a time when you, my fellow bloggers, as well as others have shared your personal struggles. I have mine too. I am currently working through thoughts about the Bible and how it should be read and interpreted in the light of new ideas that have been presented in my theology class at Calvin College, ideas that I would normally dismiss as being overly liberal and without good theological and scriptural justification, except that they come from sincere Christians who are more learned than I am. On a more mundane level, I recognize daily a great deal of self-centeredness that masquerades as hard-workingness, studiousness, or being disciplined, a self-absorption that gets in the way of loving God and loving others. And, that is just one of many frustrations I have in my spiritual journey. If I started to list them all, I would become so depressed that I would have to tender my resignation as Barnabas.

And yet, when I look back on my spiritual journey, where I have been and where I have come, I say: God has been good to me. And I trust He will continue to be good to me. His grace, how amazing it is! It is this hope alone that allows me to keep my faith, let alone grow in it or seek to serve. The very fact that I recognize my condition and feel frustrated is a sign of His grace: every time I feel I have grown or overcome, I see a deeper layer of deceit and pride within myself; and yet, I also see a greater potential to be the person God desires me to be. His work of sanctification is painful and lengthy. "How long more must I wait?" I ask. And yet, I have His promise that His work, though it may seem slow, will ultimately reach fullness.

I wish I could speak to your struggles and give you answers (and, candidly, I wish it more for my benefit than yours - another symptom of my pride and desire to be self-sufficient). That would give me so much more confidence as I prepare to become a Barnabas leader in this next school year. To be able to solve the problems that others present me...to say nothing of solving my own problems...but that is not the way it is. But this I know: God has chosen the weak to shame the strong, the foolish to shame the wise. My goodness is not a precondition of God's willingness to use me or you as His instrument of blessing. On the flip side, my being used does not make me any better than I was before, nor does it guarantee my continued "good standing."

I look forward to returning to you soon. I believe we have much to share, if we are willing and ready. There is much we can learn from each others struggles, and I trust there will be victories we can celebrate too. In the meantime, Godspeed on each of your spiritual journeys, however slow-going or meandering they may be. Hold on to hope, for we have a gracious God.

I think I owe this blog at least five posts...I'm lagging a little in this discipline of mine.

What I want most of all is to love and to be loved without fear. To be unafraid, to trust completely and unquestioningly in God's goodness; or, even if I question, to be able to have it out squarely with Him, not necessarily demanding an answer to the pain as in Job, but trusting that by the end of my complaint I will be forced to acknowledged the immutable conclusion that God is good and that He loves us perfectly as in many of the Psalms. Every year there is some new agony to face, as if I am addicted to pain and misery. I am not at that place now, but it usually comes around midyear or later.

The uppermost question used to be "Why?" In my most lucid moments I knew it was about pride and going through the refiner's fire and all sorts of things. In my most spiritual moments I realise I will not know until the last trumpet sounds. In moments of despondency I decided that it was some sort of punishment meted out by a God uneven in justice...but somehow thought I deserved it at the same time. Through the darkest moments of wretched thought, sometimes all that kept me going was the thought that God is good...no matter what I face. It didn't make me happy, and it didn't resolve the issue immediately. If anything, I was more unhappy realising that God's goodness never changed even through the pain. But the difference this conviction made was this: it gave me the strength to claim my life for Christ again, to rebuke the false thoughts and doubts and make decisions in spite of what I felt.

And so now I am on the beach, strolling with Christ, enjoying the respite until the Valley of the Shadow of Death comes again, whatever form it may take this year. Perhaps it will not (I always live in the hope that I will have one year with no major episode of sadness). But this is my life and I have accepted it. I do not need to fear.

When I ask "Why?" I suppose the implied question is also "Why me out of all others?" This blog helps me see that we are all singled out in God's purpose, each with our own road to walk, or in Henri Nouwen's metaphor, with our own cup to drink. I see my life travelling in cycles, but they are redemptive cycles, not destructive cycles. Each year seems to have more pain and fear than the last, but each year I also grow deeper into a life that is free of that. For some of us, the cycles may span more than a year...or there might not be a cycle at all, just a long meandering journey with surprises (whether nasty or nice) around each bend.

A year of hearing?

Akouo has been up for about a year and two days. Although it depends if you count the initial e-mail conversation leading up to it, in which case Akouo has existed for longer than that.


I find that at this juncture of my life, I must remember not to play the blame game, although I think, in many cases, that I am far more likely than others to put the blame for any mishap on myself. Again, this is speculation and something I must be careful not to take too seriously.

But whether or not I am prone to blaming others is not the main point. The thing is, blaming anyone--whether myself or another--inevitably shifts God out of the picture, or at least into the sidelines. I must remember the lessons of John 9 (that God may be glorified through the man's blindness) and Joseph (that God may use for good, that which is meant for evil).

Ours is the God of inextinguishable purpose, who is there in the darkest of days. I think Eugene Peterson rendered it well when he set the final words of Ezekiel in large font, in The Message;

YAHWEH SHAMMAH (the LORD is there)


Akouo means 'to hear' and at the top of this page its implications are noted:

1. to attend to, consider what is or has been said
2. to understand, perceive the sense of what is said

Sometimes it would seem that God's apparent silence is due to our deliberate deafness.


Practising for this coming weekend's trip to Malacca, and watching the musicians come in slowly to fill the empty spaces during the parents' worship rehearsal, I began to see life as a jam session.

And there are two senses of hearing while jamming. One is to hear for emptiness, and find a way to fill it, to layer the music so the overall effect is complete.

The other is to hear the correct sound. To hear the band leader over the drum, no matter how driving the beat may be. To hear the lead guitar, even if it's only an acoustic played over several electric guitars.

Thankfully life is a jam session, where mistakes are not the end of all things. But also, there is a goal and that goal is perfection, just as a band practises to play flawlessly. And as with a jam session, there is a concert coming up, and the time to get ready is limited.


Akouo.

Into a year of deeper, more perceptive hearing. Here we go.

Things to remember at CNY

"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

--Joshua 1:6-9 (NIV)


This morning, in line with the Chinese New Year, Pastor Kuan Ming spoke on 'God's Way to Success and Prosperity'; his text was taken from Joshua 1:1-9.

I was at first somewhat alarmed when I heard the words 'success' and 'prosperity' because I'm quite aware of the much famed and derided Prosperity Gospel. Not that I know exactly what it's about, but basically it comes across to me as something that sounds like a motivational session with Anthony Robbins: Awaken the Giant Within!!!


But Pastor Kuan Ming's message was nothing like that. And when I read the passage, I noticed that the words 'prosperity' and 'success' appear in the very Word of God. I read it in the NASB version in church, and I've quoted the NIV translation above.

How are we to be successful and prosperous? By obeying God's law and meditating on His Word at all times. That simple. And that hard.

Three times God says: be strong and courageous. And the third time, God promises to be with us wherever we go.


Then Pastor Kuan Ming mentioned the well-known encounter between Joshua and the Captain of the Lord's Army.

Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, "Are you for us or for our enemies?"

"Neither," he replied, "but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come." Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, "What message does my Lord have for his servant?"

--josh 5:13-14 (NIV)

He said, we don't recruit the Captain of the Lord's Army; He recruits us.


I'm just mentioning all this because I think I need to be reminded of these things from time to time.

To be reminded that success and prosperity are Biblical.

That God's Word is central.

That God's law must be obeyed.

That God will be with me, and because of that I can be strong and courageous.

That God is my Master, not the other way around.


Remember.

Back on Track

This blog had just begun gathering steam, being updated several times a week, when technical difficulties brought it to a complete halt. No posts. No comments. No way of moving forward. Though technical issues remain, it is back on track.

The Bible study group I belong too - it stopped toward the end of the last semester, and several key members were away over Interim. Tonight, three weeks into the second semester, we are meeting to discuss time, topic, and reevaluate the purpose of our Bible study. It should be back on track.

My accountability group had a difficult time coordinating a time for all of us to meet due to our new schedules this spring semester. We finally met up last Monday. I think we are back on track.

Dorm Prayer has had major fluctuations in attendance. We have twelve people, and then we have two. I hope we get on track.

My devotional life, prayer life, and other disciplines - I practice them regularly, but my heart is in them only so often. I get tired, distracted, and hurried. I struggle to be obedient to God, to do what I know I ought and to avoid what I know I must. I try to view my day, my activities, my friendships, and my time in the light of who He is and not in the light of how I am. I often fail. I wish I knew how to stay on track.

I recall being CF President back in school. During our committee meetings, the discussion would invariably wander way off topic. We knew each other too well, and we had way too much fun. My voice was the voice of reason. I knew what we had to decide each meeting, and what could afford to wait. Always, I had the agenda in my mind, and when we strayed too far, I would sound the oft repeated call: "Focus, people, focus!" To this day, I just need to whipser the word "focus" with that group of people, and we laugh over old times, about how I kept us on track.

How much precious time is lost when we get off track. I am impatient to grow, to mature. I want to be making constant, or at least consistent, progress. I do not want to live with any sin a minute longer than I have too. And yet, I cannot keep focus. And then I find myself off track.

And then. I. Beat. Myself. Up.

Not that it gets me back on track any faster - it slows me down actually. Not that it makes me feel any better, except in some twisted way. You know what I speak of. I tell myself that as a follower of Christ, I have recieved the Holy Spirit and have thus been empowered to...

...to what? Be perfect? Be infailable? Be free from all personal struggles? Not to make light of failure in the Christian walk, not to make light of sin, but at what point did I decide that I was never going to go off track anymore? If that is possible, someone forgot to give me the memo.

I have been empowered to grow. To keep continuing. To get back on track, even if I have to do it seventy-seven times a day. It is a meandering course I take, but God does not seem as interested in the shortest distance between two points as He is in persistance in pursuing Him. So, I get back on track, and try to focus just a little bit longer this time.

And, who knows. Maybe someday He will even call me a man after His own heart.

Testing

Testing One Two

Slow to give praise

have been wanting to post this up for a week but couldn't due to busyness.

i'm not in the desert anymore. not that i'm totally near God but He's here and He hears. i finally managed to sit in silence for an hour in bed on sunday. on monday, i read about 8 chapters of Genesis. i felt satisfaction in these. now, i continue to try keeping up this discipline. i don't want to feel that dryness and lostness again. it hurts.

thanks for keeping me in prayer...

warkah kepada Allah

I've decided after reading Tee Ming's latest post that I will make public a "protected post" from my Xanga. It reflects my spiritual struggles, which still continue, with varying intensity (most days I don't even think about it, and apathy surely cannot be intensity). If this is a "dark night of the soul" as described by St. John of the Cross, it has not abated for one and a half years. Devotion has run dry, and various other ideologies present themselves as alternatives. But we have to blunder onward... in hope that the Light will come.

---

Dear Lord,

It seems so long since we last conversed. I guess I have been giving you the cold shoulder for the past month or so, but prior to this we've already had a major communication breakdown that has benefitted neither of us. Today while reading Susan Tang's book "Spiritual Intimacy" I realised the main problem. I have stopped confiding in you due to lack of trust. And I've not been real in the prayers that I have said - mainly intercession for others while doubting all the time whether any change or impact is possible at all.

My unilateral "Cold War" I wish to end. I will be brutally honest, because you reward such straightforwardness, as seen in the Psalms and even the Prophets. One year and 4 months later, I'm still disappointed deep down inside that you had to strike me with a lifelong condition when I felt closest to you. This condition has scarred our relationship by turning it into a roller coaster ride through Heaven and Hades. Though I had my most intimate moments during my times of sickness, it is this that has caused me to question whether any of it was real at all. Perhaps it was just the madness, the mercurial fluctuations that left me with both euphoric experiences and brutal bouts of bottomless descents into sorrow. How could I be sure that all the grandiose visions were really from you and not some internal source of sanitylessness?

I've learned to appreciate where I am, yes. I no longer yearn so badly for that American education that was taken away from me in moments of tremendous anguish. However, I have come to doubt your goodness. Richard Garnett said that love is your essence, and power mainly your attribute. How can this be? A powerless God is not god at all. A God without love, however, is simply a god of malevolence, but yet still a god. You say you love me as your son, and I wish to believe it, but it is just so bloody hard to do so!

As time passes, I find that some of those closest to me who have been bulwarks of support when my faith has been challenged are now themselves turning into liberals (heterodoxists?) or questioners.Why shake us up this way, Lord? Even as we dabble in Spongian seperation of "acceptable" doctrine from the "irrational" (to "modern" minds, at least), are we walking away from you? Is our salvation dependent on how accurate our theology is? Are unconventional beliefs pathways to eternal damnation, guided personally by the Great Deceiver and his minions? Help, God! Must we go through these fires of temptation to compromise, sanitize and/or rationalize to emerge on the other side purified of dross? I fear that we might be swallowed up by the fire and perish in the flames of sin! Come to our aid, O Lord! Help us resist the Evil One, as we pray the prayer you taught us, among many others.

My offence today is rank, and its stench rises up to you. A very minor infraction, some might say, but nevertheless a dangerous sign of relapse into recidivism. Of course, it is also a matter of embarrassment. But I don't trust myself, O Lord! I must pray for strength, day by day. I am but such a frail youth, bent over by the burden that lies on my back. O Forgiveness! O Grace! O God of Second Chances! Come to my aid and change me. Grant me understanding! Lead me to your truth! I've not been so direct in my petition for a long time. I suppose I have lost my foundation of belief that you can really make a difference in my life. But here I am, with a battered body and failing strength and faculties. I want to admit that I am broken. Please come into me once more and live in this cracked piece of pottery!

A broken spirit
and a contrite heart,
You will not despise
You will not despise.

You desire truth
in the inmost parts.
A broken spirit
and a contrite heart.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Giving Up

i wonder whether i'm the only one out the 6 of us who's wrestling with God. everybody's putting up posts about spiritual growth and disciplines, while all i've been typing for the past 4 weeks is my state of lostness in this Chirstian life.

after one and a half months of struggling in getting back into a close relationship with Christ, i feel like giving up. i feel as if i want to just be contented with my relationship with Him now which is knowing that i'm in His will but not hearing Him, feeling His presence or having any excitement for Him. i won't give up the faith, but i do feel like giving up on serving.

i'm struggling with the other youth leaders in YF. i just can't seem to communicate with them. whatever i do, i don't get support from them. it seems like i'm running a one-man show with all the younger ones under me. why don't the YF just break up and they can run one group while i run the other. alternatively, i'll just back out and let them lead. maybe i'll be even happier that way. no responsibilities. i've to keep backing up those young ones in the committee and defend all the arrows that are targeted towards them through me. why not just let go? retreat and let them take over. i've not been hearing God anyway.

i can't be silent for long nowadays. just a few minutes being silent or praying, then my mind wanders off somewhere. i'll tell myself that there's no point in having this quiet time and i'll just go off and do something else.

led worship yesterday with the songs 'His strength is perfect' by steven curtis chapman and 'thank you Lord for the trials that come my way...' i didn't sing these songs for fun. i really want to mean it, but i don't want to strive anymore. when i was preparing to lead worship, i didn't really hear God. i did spend some 2 hours preparing but the choice of songs seemed to be from me--what i felt like singing.

this whole week, i've been baking cookies to sell to church members to raise funds for johor flood victims. on the first or second day of baking, i started having toothache, which i later found out to be a serious cavity. still i had to continue for the rest of the week. then yesterday after returning from YF where i led worship, i finally came down with fever. my toothache was the cause of this and headache. at least my responsibilities were over. but still, where was God in all this? after doing everything, the main reason for doing these seem to be invisible in the picture.

i don't feel like bothering about trying to sit in silence and wait upon Him anymore. i don't feel as if i'll ever be on high for Him anymore. will i just by this end my growth in Christ? will this be the end just like many "Sunday adults" now who've once had a fervor for God? something tells me no, but what do i have to do on my part?


BLESSED

Blessed are those who dwell in Your house.
They are ever praising You.
Blessed are those whose strength is in You.
Whose hearts are set on our God.

We will go from strength to strength,
‘Til we see You face to face.

CHORUS
Hear our prayer, O Lord God Almighty.
Come bless our land, as we seek You,
Worship You.

BRIDGE
For You are holy.
For You are holy.
For You are holy, Lord.