Worship: Experience and Expression

We are probably familiar with the well-known predicament of singing worship songs without meaning the words, or 'with our hearts elsewhere'; we've probably sat in on discussions on the subject of wallpaper worshippers; we're likely part of that very wallpaper at times too.

But I wonder, can't worship also be a way to release pent-up emotions?

One night at d'NA Stage 3, we sang that song whose chorus goes "...I will go to the ends of the earth, to the ends of the earth..." and Michael said something to the effect of, "Why do you all sing 'to the ends of the earth' when even 'to the end of the street' is something most of us would find hard to do?"

Subsequently I became very conscious of the lyrics of many songs we take for granted.

But lately, I think I'm beginning to appreciate my Pentecostal roots. There is something in the loud worship that reminds me so much of U2 concerts (although personally, the former falls short of the latter in musical terms :-P), and the thing about U2 is that they try to capture a feeling, an emotion, whenever they perform live.

On the day that U2 lead singer Bono's father died, the band were scheduled to perform that very night. They didn't cancel, and Bono considered that concert a liberating experience in the midst of such grief.

And to me, though sometimes we may not mean the words (or may not even know what the words mean!), I think there is something liberating about the act of singing. Lately I've learnt to enjoy that 'ends of the earth' song simply as a song, and it really feels much better that way, rather than sitting in the congregation feeling more guilt than anything else over the relative impossibility of the words.

I guess it isn't limited to the Pentecostal experience; there is also something mystical about the Orthodox church, something less about the logic and more about the feeling and the presence of the whole worship experience.

Streams of living water, not merely to analyse... but to drink, and to drink deeply.

Accountability

i'm still continuing in my pursue for God but not close. i don't know how to put it. maybe you guys could pray for me. or even better, pray with me. would like to let you guys know that my mentor, paul long is migrating to new zealand tomorrow. i'm a spiritual orphan now. not that i'll die or anything, but i really treasured that mentoring relationship. i'm looking for accountability partners now. can i look to you 5 for that? or are we already accountable to each other. coz i don't really feel it. anybody up for proper accountability?

"I am the Way"

Sometimes a thought grips you such that you cannot allow it to go unwritten, or in this case, unblogged.

I will be sitting for my Driving Test this Friday, and having seen virtually all my friends get their licences before me, I've heard numerous stories about the test, including the ubiquitous tales of bribery. And as I prepare for my turn, I can't help but ponder this question.

Uncle Philip, my instructor (the same one who taught Audrey) told me not to worry. He said he'd talk to the JPJ officer(s). I don't know if he means that I don't need to bribe, or if he's somehow included money for the bribe in the fees he's been charging me all this while.

As far as I'm concerned, the fees are reasonable enough; my piano and art teachers were far more exorbitant compared to the fees charged by commercial music and art centres.

But while I was walking my dogs after today's driving lesson, two things came to mind: Frederick Buechner's essay 'The Road Goes On' and Jesus' words of reinstation to Peter.


Buechner quotes Tolkien's Bilbo Baggins in that essay;

The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone,
And I must follow if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then?
I cannot say.

And he ends with these words;

The world is full of dark shadows to be sure, both the world without and the world within, and the road we've all set off on is long and hard and often hard to find, but the word is trust. Trust the deepest intuitions of your own heart. Trust the source of your own truest gladness. Trust the road. Above all else, trust him. Trust him. Amen.


Here is the account in the Gospel of John:

The third time [Jesus] said to [Peter], "Simon son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

--John 21:17-19 (NIV)


What I realised was this: there are times when we will be lead where we do not want to go. I'm not directly referring to driving and bribery, but I realised that I was allowing fear to take over me. And yet here we find that Jesus' commission to Peter was hardly encouraging: what kind of leader tries to spur his follower on with a foretaste of death?

Am I sometimes being led where I do not want to go? And yet the road 'goes ever on and on'. Buechner opened his essay with the famous John 14:6 verse;

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life."

He is the God of the road, the God of the way. The God who is the way. Of what should I be afraid? Even when we are led where we do not want to go, there is nothing to fear. Not because God is there, or even because God sends us, but in a mysterious way, God is the path we take. And so as the proverb-writer said, the steps of the wise are directed by God.


He is the God of the path, the God of the petal shower. The God of the petal-showered path.

Amen.

Corporate Prayer

As I was reflecting on prayer and my prayer life a couple of days ago, I noted that though I have become more regular and disciplined in prayer and learned to spend more time in prayer since coming to Calvin College, there was something missing. Something I had been dimly aware for some time but could not quite put my finger on. Something that is not even in many books about prayer.

I haven't prayed together with someone else in a really long time.

Oh, we pray in Bible study and in accountability group. We have corporate prayer in church. I even attend chapel where Tuesdays are reserved for prayer. But I haven't gotten together with a group for the purpose of prayer.

Much of what I have learned about prayer, I have learned from praying with my family, with my CF, with my YF leaders, with church members at prayer meetings. I consider these to be more valuble than the talks and books I have heard and read about prayer. The talks and books helped me to understand prayer, but praying with more experience "pray-ers" taught me how to pray.

I miss the intimacy I have felt with others, knowing we are of one mind and heart, desiring the same things. I miss affirming the prayers of others and having mine affirmed in return. I miss being able to pause in prayer and have someone else take over - it is a little harder to pause and rest in prayer when there is dead silence. Without something to focus on, my mind tends to wander.

The Barnabas leaders (student Christian leaders/mentors) in my dorm tried to get a prayer group together last semester. It fell through because they picked a bad time to start (two weeks before finals is not a good time to try to get people to do something). Perhaps it is time for round two?

i opened Your Word to find direction, but i failed to hear Your voice. i slam the book shut, frustrated. i sat down to pray, but i felt like i was talking to space. i took a walk to feel the breeze, but the leaves stood still.

i told myself that i will be angry with You. i've been seeking You earnestly for the past 3 weeks, but You still refuse to show Your face. You refuse to grant me intimacy with You! others can curse You and be angry with You. why can't i?

as i lay in bed, i tried to plant hatred towards God in my mind. i tried to think of all the injustice He had done to me. soon, i ran out of words against Him, but chose to hate Him anyway. as i lay in bed to sleep, i told myself that i will take a long time to fall asleep because of all the hatred that i had intentionally build up in me, but i opened my eyes the next second to the darkness of the morning. and there, the first word that came to my mouth were praises to Him. i couldn't hate Him, however hard i tried. He wouldn't let me!

Honesty

I find it difficult to be honest with myself. I blame the repercussions of modernity. Modern science and modern philosophy is skeptical of anything non-material, often intellectually negating the presence of the spiritual realm. This has created a culture that doesn’t see a need for God who is the source of existence. We only apprehend a need to interpret existence through the human mind, which leads us to rationalize our problems rather than bring them before God.

What have I just done? I have rationalized my problem. I took it in terms of my cultural context and found a place to lay the blame.

Let’s try again:

There are many reasons why it is difficult to tell myself the truth about me. The first glaringly obvious one is that I do not know the truth of myself. It is too big to take in at a glance. It sounds like a rather egocentric view, but in essence the part that is to big to grasp is our capacity for relationships. Our ability to view and interpret scientific or social relationships is something which makes us different from animals. In some ineffable way, we humans are linked to eternity—we also have a spiritual relationship. We have a relationship with the living God, whether we are aware of it or not. We may know nearly everything there is to know about the anatomy and chemistry of the human body, but many claim to know nothing about what happens after death. If the world continues for more eons, science will eventually exhaust its fields of research. What more can be known about living, and what more can be done to extend the length of our lives? But we can never come to the end of knowing God.

So I started with trying to know myself and ended with knowing God. It seems that if I really want to know the me beyond the atoms and electrical impulses, the person I need to know is God, who created me and knows me. Anyway, if God created everything, from the natural laws to the creatures governed by them, then there is no knowledge which is apart from God. I mean to say that God is the source of all knowledge, not that God is all knowledge in the pantheistic sense. “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free,” etc.

Still Wandering

Alissa, Soo Tian, David and Tee Ming have all put up entries here over the past week. I suppose it is my turn now.

I've been very busy adjusting to the life of a (substitute) Biology teacher in school, and haven't had much time to actually sit and read and write and think, short of sending two letters to friends in NS: Yen Mii in Bentong, Pahang, and Wei-Xun in Mersing, Johor.

One theme that keeps recurring in my life lately is Discipleship. As I mentioned on my blog, I bought Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship but haven't had time to read it yet. The only book I'm reading at the moment is A Room Called Remember, a collection of Frederick Buechner's uncollected essays.

I don't know if it's just a phase--actually, everything is more or less a phase since life is so short--but I seem to be wandering once again. While Alissa and Ming have set forth their New Year resolutions, I've only resolved up to 31st December 2006. This year is, so far, just an adventure in which I'm taking each day as it comes--no long-term plans whatsoever. Yet.

Maybe I've just been too busy. Or maybe this is the way I want to live for now. Just wandering and enjoying all that life has to throw at me.

There was a time when almost everything I wrote was of a reflective, theological nature. I think that was in 2004, on the now defunct mBlog. Then by the end of that year I had switched over to Blogger. Also, there was TM Squared. The last two years saw a gradual increase in photoblogging, with theology being somewhat more sporadic. And now, I somehow feel it's time to give my brain a little more headroom.

When I decided to be more reserved at d'NA Stage 3, Michael said he didn't think that was the way I was supposed to be. That is true; I still enjoy conversation and discussion, but not so much the 'weighty' and 'meaty' stuff as I used to. The recent trip to Seremban is a case in point ('case in point'... is this the right phrase?); those present would likely testify that it was a somewhat different Ben in Seremban.

Or perhaps nothing has really changed, and I'm just the same. Everything is just the same. I don't really know. Even familiar surroundings can feel alien at times, and there is always something familiar about even the most foreign of environments.

Frederick Buechner wrote in his preface to A Room Called Remember, "Even at our most believing, I think, we have our serious reservations just as even at our most unbelieving we tend to cast a wistful glance over our shoulders."

I am somewhere in between, neither at my most believing nor most unbelieving, which probably means I have serious reservations and cast wistful glances in a more or less balanced amount and intensity. Which, I suppose, makes me some sort of disciple, some sort of follower; never quite sure what on earth or in heaven or in hell I am doing on this road, but too hopeful to leave it.

Let us listen, let us hear. Akouo.

I love You, my Lord Jesus!

It has been two weeks since my silent retreat with Alissa. it is true, i found God there. At least, i knew that i could return to Him. i know that He was just calling me home to Him.

I had been serving in youth and doing my devotions without experiencing Him. i've been praying words based on the truth of his Word and His promises, yet i never really expected from Him. i've never really believed that His promises were for me. What a waste! After all the experiences and knowledge he has given me, all could offer was just empty words which impressed others. how could the ministry i led have grown when i did not?

last year crashed down on me after STPM, when i realised how empty and undirected i was. i had been busy studying and praying that God would give me the strength and perseverance to study my target of 8 hours a day. "He cannot deny Himself." He remained faithful and granted me my request. and there i was after STPM thinking that i would be relieved, but it striked me that i was not. the freedom i had expected did not come. i was struggling to find out where i was and what i was going to do next. life felt so messy. i had not allowed God to talk to me.

i felt His assurance to return to him at the retreat. there i made a commitment to spend time to wait upon Him each day. yet maybe it has been too long since i sat silently in his presence. i came home happy but i couldn't spend the amount of time i used to be able to spend with Him. i still struggle to recover that intimacy with Him. each night, i persevere in reading His Word despite feeling that distance between us. i know that one day i will feel intimate once more.

another thing i'm struggling with is the discipline of fasting. i have not fasted for at least 4 months. and i can't bring myself to it now. i have nobody to encourage me on and i just can't decide to do it. i pray for friends and for accountability partners.

my post is quite disorganised. i'm still partially lost. i'm waiting to see what God has in store for me. i am still His and will remain His forever. I love You, my Lord Jesus! hear my declaration and my cry.

Change

It seems to me that most of us do not expect real change. We do not expect others to change, nor do we expect ourselves to change. We speak of praying, reading the Bible, and practicing other spiritual disciplines. Sometimes, we do not only speak of these things but actually do them.

Yet, when we do these things and nothing much seems to happen, we often accept that as the norm. There is a little frustration, a little questioning, and then resignation. When change does occur, we are shocked! In a way, that is an appropriate response - God's grace is amazing; nonetheless, does not our lack of expectancy betray a lack of belief that God will transform us?

An irate young man attends church. He has grown up in a Christian family. He attends church faithfully, belongs to a small group, even has regular devotions. Yet, his grumpiness does not change. He gets a job and becomes a husband and a father, but his irritability does not change. He ends up a grumpy old man. Nobody at church is surprised! Nobody asks: what is wrong with this picture? Of course he should not behave like this. Of course he should know better. But, he goes to church, he attends a small group, he reads the Bible and prays, so let us not worry too much about the rest.

Let us not worry too much about the rest?! If decades of attending church, reading the Bible, and praying do not result in change, something is desperately wrong. And yet, we often fail to notice the problem: we settle for having a form of religion but not it's power.

There are, however, a few groups of people that, regardless of denomination or church, seem to experience change more often than others:

Children. We expect children to change! We realize that children are not yet fully developed, that they have lessons to learn, and so we expect them to change. Children tend to be responsive and have yet to develop a cynicism that causes the rest of us to question the possibility of change. They also tend not to question the need for change - in fact, most can't seem to wait to grow up!

Youth. For all our stubbornness (when Thomas Edison was asked what advice he would give to youth, he said: "Youth doesn't take advice), youth have one quality that is vital to change: belief. Youth tend to believe that anything is possible. We are invincible, indomitable, and we go about everything with a gung-ho attitude. We often bite off far more than we can chew and adults often complain about "hangat hangat tahi ayam," but on occasion, our recklessness actually allows us to accomplish more than anyone thinks possible! Our belief that anything is possible is often misplaced; yet, that belief is necessary for change.

New converts. New converts look at the Christian life with a fresh perspective. It is new and desirable to them. Additionally, they tend to realize their desperate need to change whereas we Christians, leading the same kind of life may think we are doing just fine. There is a gratefulness and a realization of freedom. There are high expectations of the new life that God offers. Unfortunately, we human beings cannot seem to sustain gratefulness, realization of freedom, and expectation for long. A study showed that the average Christian will tell more people about Christ in the first six months after conversion that he will in the rest of his life. It would not be surprising if there is a correlation between that and change.

If only change were as easy as mentally visualizing it, logically organizing it, and verbalizing it with a blog post. And yet change we must. Change we must and continually changing we must be, if we are to be attractive and effective witnesses to those around us.

Fires of Justice and Love

For Christmas, I received a devotional book with the title "Breakfast for the Soul". It contains more than a hundred little devotionals from various Christian authors. The funny thing was Liz found it at the cookery books section in Popular. Brilliant work of sorting indeed.

Today's reading was one by A. W. Tozer. In it he wrote:

"The truth is that God is the most winsome of all beings and His service one of unspeakable pleasure. He is all love, and those who trust Him need never know anything but that love. He is just, indeed, and He will not condone sin; but through the blood of the everlasting covenant He is able to act toward us exactly as if we had never sinned. Toward the trusting sons of men His mercy will always triumph over justice."

As of late, I've been confronted with a few views of God. From what I see, we can either emphasize God's justice or his grace.

When we emphasize God's justice (some would prefer the word "righteousness"), then we have notions of punishment and divine retribution. Over the years, I believe my image of God has been changed from one who is a harsh parental figure to a more loving one. Just last Friday, as usual I went for lunch at a family friend's house. While we were there our host shared with us about two .mp3 files he had gotten hold of a prophecy against Malaysia by an American modern-day prophetess, Nita Johnson. According to her, Malaysians are guilty of the sin of compromise, which has crippled our sharing of the gospel. Thus God is not pleased and intends to punish us for our fault(s). I listened to about 50 minutes of the first .mp3 file, wondering, "Does God still operate - assuming he did in the Old Testament - in this manner? Can all the calamities in this world today be interpreted in the light of chastisement from the heavens?"

To reconcile the beliefs that God is both love and justice, sometimes I think of God as a parent who almost unwillingly disciplines his children. This God punishes the ones he loves with great inner distress, almost saying, "This is hurting me more than this is hurting you!"

But is this a cop-out? Or worse, a distorted picture of God?

Let me quote again the last line of the excerpt from my devotional by Tozer:

"Toward the trusting sons of men His mercy will always triumph over justice."

Is this emphasis on God's love a watering down of the gospel? Is it an inaccurate portrayal of the God who is holy, who is righteous, who is fair and who is just? Is this a God who is like a grandparent, offering candy at every opportunity, forgiving his naughty grandchildren easily and doting on them -- almost to the state of abscess? Is a good God one who just overlooks our iniquities? Is that really good? Is all of this possible simply because Christ died for us and our relationship with God is now no longer the same as before?

Brian McLaren in his controversial book "The Last Word and the Word after That" suggested that after God's "final" word of justice ("The Last Word"), there's always the word of grace ("the Word after That"). How exactly this works out he does not attempt to theorize, but the idea in itself is an intriguing one, one that fills me with a certain amount of hope.

I pray that over time, I shall find some answers as I wrestle with this issue.

Tee Ming and I have decided to start blogging as a spiritual discipline. We will blog at least once a week for this year about our walk with God. The posts do not have to be long or deep—as long as we write something. This is simultaneously an attempt to redeem akouo from inactivity.

Due to the downed cable in Taiwan, I could not upload this earlier. So here it is now:

Reflections For The Year 2006
30/12/2006

This year I experienced loss, and unknowingly went through the five stages of response to death: denial/shock, bargaining, anger, depression and finally, acceptance. I did not see this until the final stage, when I truly accepted my aunt’s death. In all my experience of life, I find that I never really know what path I have taken until I have walked it and turn to look back. That is the wisdom of hindsight. But the only way to “take note of the highway” as we walk along it, is to take our wisdom from the Word: “Your Word is a lamp unto my path and a light unto my feet.” And the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord. The end of wisdom? To live out our true selves as children of God created in His image for His glory.

I come out of this year feeling like a broken-winged butterfly in the Creator’s hands. A silly butterfly, who flew into a thicket of thorns and had to be extracted by the tender hands of the person she was flying away from. This year I did a foolish thing and trusted my judgment over God’s. I didn’t like the pain He was making me go through so I went to look for my own palliatives. A principle to remember: such an attitude results in self-inflicted pain which is the worst kind possible, I would think. Next, nobody does on purpose what they consider to be foolish. As a teacher of the Word, I already knew this (harsher judgment on teachers, yikes!) but I was living recklessly. This was the year I lapsed in every discipline, from emailing mentors, friends and prayer partners to quiet time and prayer. That is why next year will be a year of constant self-checks through weekly blogging and through accountability with mentors.

One of the things I love best about life is that it can be shared. Writing and talking is only communication. But in Christ, we have a heavenly participant in all earthly communication—every conversation is overheard in heaven and becomes a prayer. Sharing lives is not just telling others about it; it is done through caring, through prayer, through a communication that is really a communion with Christ and with the church. Happy blogging everyone! I hope akouo really takes off next year.

The Great Hwa Celebration

I have attended more weddings than any nineteen-year old has a right to (and none which bride or bridegroom I have any relation to!), pledged to do all in my power to uphold these marriages (oops!), and eaten at the (long!) dinners that followed. I've seen weddings that have been presentations, gatherings, performances, and reunions; sadly, not all have been celebrations.

You see, in the midst of getting the perfect wedding, some couples (and their family and friends) forget the discipline of celebration.

The discipline of celebration? "An oxymoron!", you say. Well, it takes discipline to relax. It takes discipline not to run around getting everything done "just right" when it is time to celebrate, cheer, and go a little wild.

Few weddings have exemplified "celebration" as much as "The Great Hwa Wedding" did. It wasn't the five pastors (inclusive of an actual bishop!) running the service (and the multiple others attending). It was...

It was the almost seamless service conducted in English and Cantonese for the benefit of the bride's family who, I understand, are non-Christians. The flawless transition in songs, polished translation, and vows in English by the groom and in Cantonese by the bride all served to make everyone at home, at ease, and welcome. Unlike many other bilingual services, this one did not drag or even feel lengthy - such work had been put into it.

It was the freedom to laugh when the ceremony did not quite go right: when the bride started giggling immediately after exchanging rings and saying her vows - giggling that bubbled over into laughter that made her double over (the usually solemn moment was a rather joyous one); when the largely English-speaking congregation wasn't sure when the Cantonese translation had finished and thus failed to respond; when the liturgist (pastor) announced the cut-caking that would follow in the canteen.

It was the immaculate preparation and decoration that had been done before-hand, so that on-the-spot running around was kept to a bare minimum (at least as far as I could tell), allowing everyone to fully participate.

It was the many people who had been touched by the Hwa family(s) in their many years of ministry and who really wished the bride and bridegroom the very best. Spontaneous clapping took place at every juncture of the ceremony.

It was the relaxed attitude and genuine fun that all shared. One Rev Hwa was in such a jovial mood that his son asked, "Pa, are you drunk?", and various irreverent youth speculated on whether Jesus had turned the water in this particular "jar of clay" into wine.

Such celebration - for once, I regretted that the wedding service was too short - such celebration could not be possible without discipline.

Thomas Kempis, the Inspiration of the Methodist Church?

John Wesley read Thomas Kempis' book, The Imitation of Christ, while in his youth - just before or during his time at Oxford. While he felt that Kempis was in error in refusing to enjoy anything in this world and in monastic isolation, he also recognized a call to holiness that was very absent from the overwhelmingly Christian population of England. The influence of Thomas Kempis' and other similar writings led Wesley to question his own faith and salvation and begin a search over a period of many years for what it meant to be a Christian, and what it meant to be saved.

At the end of his search, Wesley came to the conclusion that we are saved by grace alone, through faith alone. However, going against the grain of his time, he closely associated faith and holiness, proclaiming along with James that "faith without works is dead," - that faith without evidence of change of life and heart and growth toward holiness could not be saving faith, but rather the faith of the devil who "believes that there is a God and shudders." His rationale was this: if a person did not grow toward holiness (given the opportunity and proper teaching) it was either because that person did not know God's love and grace and thus could not respond to it, or knew God's love and grace yet failed to respond to it. In the first case, the person had not received salvation; in the second, the person had rejected it.

Sin, in Wesley's mind, is the opposite of faith. Willful sin (as opposed to sin of ignorance, poor judgment, etc) - whether sin of commission or omission - has no place in the Christian life. While an act of willful sin does not invalidate a Christian's faith an salvation, Wesley held it as a matter of utmost seriousness. This was in deep contrast to the practice of his day and, may I say, the practice of today in which forgiveness is emphasized, repentance is made easy, and the topic of sin is rarely touched upon. Few Christians are repulsed by the thought or idea of sin - that is how comfortable we have become with it.

John Wesley's insistence on holiness and the seriousness with which he viewed sin caused an uproar in the Church of England and in the larger society. The Methodist Society (which was still under the Church of England) went through great opposition, even persecution. Still, the movement grew. In his defense of the use of laity in ministry, he said, "Give me a hundred men who love nothing but God and fear nothing but sin...for such men will storm the very gates of hell." His statement proved true as the Methodist revival became the longest lasting revival since the early church, and became known as the Second Reformation.

Many non-Christians today are uncomfortable with the idea that it is possible to be saved merely by believing that Jesus died for our sins - and in a way, they are right. We are saved by grace alone, through faith alone, but faith without works is dead. We do not preach holiness as we should, and we forget that we are called to "be perfect, even as our Father in heaven is perfect." Oh that we would understand God's love, and because we fear anything that would separate us from it - however briefly - we would fear sin and strive for holiness in such a way that all around us would either mock us or wonder at the power of God in our lives and thus be drawn to Him.

Reflections: The Imitation of Christ

I must say that The Imitation of Christ irked me on many counts. The basic premise of total and utter dependence on God is sound. However, at various points, the author seemed to portray the physical as evil (as opposed to the spiritual, which is good). He maintained that we should not delight in anything in this world (should we not appreciate God's creation? can I not enjoy eating my roti canai and satay?). He even put forth the idea that we should not look to others for consolation and support, but be only dependent on God, which (I feel) borders dangerously on a lone-ranger mentality. Being a big believer in the importance of community and accountability, the last point triggered an alarm in my belief system every time I came across it.

Having said all that, I understand where Thomas a Kempis is comping from, and wonder if I will ever be able to depend upon God as far as he writes. Recently, I have been meditating upon the need to come to God empty, devoid of everything, and the importance of "going for broke" for God. What am I willing to give up? I disagree with Kempis when he says I should not take pleasure in anything but (spiritual communion with) God and should disassociate myself from my friends, but I recognize the need to be ready to give up any pleasure and friendship. Am I up to that challange?

The point is this: I have never been particularly attached to possesions or wealth - I have seen my parents more than content with the basics of life and have adopted that for my own. My one vice would be computer games - and I think I have learnt when to put those aside. I might even be willing to give up the little pleasures of life - and yes, I have considered the cost of my reputation, a question I cannot easily answer, but hope, by God's grace, to persevere. Career I believe I have given over to God. Until reading this book though, I had not considered the love of family and friends (separation and death seems much easier). It is indeed a scary price - a sacrifice I hope I never have to make, or even consider making. In light of the family and friends I have, I doubt I will have to do so. Still, there it is. If anyone would not deny his own father and mother for My sake...

Thoughts on a passage from Hebrews

It's been a long time since I've typed a post like this. The style dates back to the days of TMsquared, so I've decided to put it up here, despite it already being on my blog. Besides, going into Hebrews was inspired by something I read in Brother Lawrence's book.


A few days ago (I can't remember exactly whether it was Tuesday or Wednesday), I scanned the book of Hebrews for the verse on 'approaching the throne of grace with confidence', and found it in the fourth chapter. Reading from my pocket New American Standard Bible, I was struck by the preceding verses, linked in groups by the word 'therefore'.


I shall first quote Hebrews 4:7-16 from the NASB (paragraphing mine).

He again fixes a certain day, "Today," saying through David after so long a time just as has been said before,

"TODAY IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE,
DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS."

For if Joshua had given them rest, He would not have spoken of another day after that. So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His.

Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.


The New International Version begins the passage with:

"Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today..."

Today if we hear his voice, let us not harden our hearts. To me, it's like what C.S. Lewis wrote in The Screwtape Letters, that the Present is the only place where we are given grace and can make decisions and choices. The Past is frozen and the Future is unknown, but our problems and circumstances impinge upon us in the Present.

Petra wrote, in their song 'Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda':

"Tomorrow is a chance that may not come
Today is still the day God gives us to see things done."


Since God has given us this gift of the Present which no power in earth, heaven or hell can take away, how are we to respond? Verses 11 to 13 indicate that we are to be diligent to enter God's rest, persevering that none should fall by disobedience.

But what is this 'rest' that we are to enter? Surely it is not that we are to sleep all day, or desire permanent rest in death. Instead, I think St Augustine gave us a hint when he said, "Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee." And I think it is echoed in the life of Brother Lawrence, who found himself at all times living in the tangible presence of God.

Sometimes, this rest is peace; sometimes, it is assurance; at others, it may be conviction; at all times it involves constantly obeying God's Word and pursuing righteousness, desiring the company and presence of God.

The 'Word of God' in this passage has often been taken to refer to the Bible, but it works equally well in context when applied to Jesus Christ himself. Brian McLaren in his New Kind of Christian trilogy, again and again stresses that we will be judged, in the end, not by a set of rules or a court system, but by the character of Christ himself. The question is, how much have we been conformed to the image of Christ?

Nothing is hidden from God, and we will not be able to defend ourself against our Judge, for he already knows everything, and far more than we ever will. A human judge can only consider actions, but God pierces through to the secret thoughts and intentions of the heart, as the account of the woman at the well (John 4) shows. Thus the NIV translates verse 13:

"Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."


Would that the Christian walk were that simple! Yet these verses are a stumbling block to many (if not most or all) Christians, for we have all fallen short of the grace of God through our sin, and sometimes we even try to hide from him. This is not new, for even Adam, Eve and Cain attempted to conceal their shame. And in the account of John 8:1-11, Jesus himself told the bloodthirsty mob, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone [at the adulterous woman]." One by one the mob disbanded.

But our hope is greater than anything we can ever fear. For Jesus, who is our Judge, is also our Great High Priest, the mediator between man and God. He experienced everything we experience, from temptation and thirst to depression and drudgery; indeed, the entire plethora of human emotions are found embodied in the character of Jesus Christ, and there is no shortage of them upon the rich pages of the Gospels.

Jesus can, and does, sympathise with our weaknesses. And he intends that we share in his victory, that in our temptation we may not fall, and in our moments of weakness we shall not be crushed. Indeed, he is the Way, the Truth and the Life. So the NIV exhorts us:

"...let us hold firmly to the faith we profess."


Having considered God's calling, our rightful response and the way God has prepared for us, the passage concludes with the verse I sought in the beginning, which I now quote from The Message, along with verse 15:

"We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all —- all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help."

The chorus of the song 'As David Did' goes:

"We can come before Him, and worship Him today
We can now adore Him, Jesus made a way."


Maybe we've tried bringing our problems to Jesus. And maybe they didn't disappear as we thought they would. Is that any reason for not continuing to do so? For seated on the throne of grace is not a genie, but God Almighty, and it is not our duty to make sure the genie obeys, but that God is obeyed. And he asks us to bring all that we are before him: our good days as well as our bad days, our devilish side as much as our angelic side.

Indeed, as Lewis wrote in The Great Divorce, we are to make no mistake about it. There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "Thy will be done." For God will not force himself upon those who refuse to obey him, any more than the ears of the deaf pick up sound waves.

As I typed the above, I realise I have described an ideal which I am still far from achieving. Lewis said with a candid graveness in The Four Loves, that "Those like myself whose imagination far exceeds their obedience are subject to a just penalty."

Nevertheless, this entry testifies that so long as God gives me breath, I will seek him, and I will commit myself to living for Him in every area of my life, doing things His way. If I fail, I will seek His forgiveness; and if I should succeed, I will give thanks and move on. As for the penalty for my imagination, I will trust my Lord's judgement, for He is Master, not me.

To God be the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

Be Thou Our Vision

Famous hymn, but when sung in church today, resonated on a whole new level with me. I think it echoes very much the spirit of those like Brother Lawrence and the Desert Fathers and Mothers (see Henri Nouwen's The Way of the Heart) who found themselves in God alone.


Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

A (very late) beginning

OK, I have a confession: I just got my copy of Brother Lawrence's The Practice of the Presence of God two days ago. Yen would certainly not be surprised at this obvious display of procrastination.

The book begins with some thoughts under the heading 'A Pilgrim's Prayer,' which goes as follows:

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Lord of all pots and pans and things...
Make me a saint by getting meals
And washing up the plates!

Thus Brother Lawrence was able to turn even the most commonplace and menial task into a living hymn to the glory of God.

The conversation and letters of this humble but exalted lay brother have been compiled to show all of us how, at any moment and in any circumstance, the soul that seeks the companionship of God may find Him.
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I am struck by two things:

Firstly, the phrase 'a living hymn to the glory of God.'

Secondly, the idea that 'the soul that seeks the companionship of God may find Him.'


It is in the spirit of riding these two 'thematic waves' that I undertake the study of this book and meditation upon the thoughts therein.

Lessons from unexpected places

Aboard the night train in early December of last year, one of us mentioned how reading ‘Spiritual Leadership’ by J. Oswald Sanders is a guilt trip. One reads about the “essential qualities” and habits of a leader, only to one by one recognize them as lacking in his/her own life (save for, as someone gleefully pointed out, that chapter called ‘the leader and reading’).

‘Celebration of Discipline’ may or may not be less of a guilt trip. For me, just thinking about the book brings to mind the different spiritual disciplines listed and discussed therein, and inevitably, how undisciplined I am.

One realization that’s struck me some weeks back is how it doesn’t have to take some distinguished volume off the Christian racks to stir up, rouse, motivate me about the disciplines. I’ve discovered something else that hasn’t failed to do the job just as, if not even more, effectively.

Although my duty is craft, I do join the singing (and much of the storytelling) session at my Sunday school class. A current favorite with the kids (preschoolers) is the “two house” song:

The wise man built his house upon the rock, (x3)
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up, (x3)
And the house on the rock stood firm.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand, (x3)
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up, (x3)
And the house on the sand went smash!

The kids would answer in unison that they want to be the wise man and not the foolish man. Little do they know that the cheh cheh standing (kneeling, actually. I like to come down to their height.) next to them cannot answer the same as confidently and enthusiastically. As my partner teacher starts flipping to the next song, I’d be left wondering just how much of my house is on rock and how much is on sand. It wasn’t like this when I was their age.

Then there’s this other, more straightforward, song:

Read your Bible, pray everyday,
Pray everyday, pray everyday.
Read your Bible, pray everyday,
You will grow, grow, grow. (x3)
Read your Bible, pray everyday,
You will grow, grow, grow!

Don’t read your Bible, forget to pray,
Forget to pray, forget to pray.
Don’t read your Bible, forget to pray,
You will shrink, shrink, shrink. (x3)
Don’t read your Bible, forget to pray,
You will shrink, shrink, shrink!

Ooh. Ouch… It wasn’t like this when I was their age.

Just goes to show that, Sunday school songs can and do speak to me even after I’ve ‘outgrown’ them. Learning is a lifelong process!

A thought for Holy Week

A thought for Holy Week, and something I have been thinking about through Lent.

We tend to take for granted that we will be spiritually nourished by reading the Bible and going to church. Our experience often does not match up, however; we find our Bible readings to be dry and church services to be merely going through the motions. There are many reasons for that; sometimes we even need to go through such periods in order to grow. Nonetheless, shoudln't we pray for spiritual nourishment? Shouldn't we pray desperately for it?

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread -
Both physical and spiritual...

The Pursuit

The Pursuit

Your life is not random. You do not believe that it is (though it seems that way at times). You certainly do not act that way (when was the last time you checked to see if the sky was raining hair-gel?). Somewhere in that muddled up brain of yours (and mine), you have at least a fuzzy idea of a goal or dream or hope. Never mind that you may not be able to articulate it. Never mind that it may not seem logical or rational to anyone, yourself included. Never mind that the goal may be as near-sighted as finding your next chocolate fix. You have at least a vague idea of how life works (or ought to), and your choices, actions, and habits are steering you more or less to what you hope is your destination.

The problem is, even when you are certain what place you want to go, you really are not sure just exactly how life works or exactly where your destination lies. Some “experienced” travelers hand out road maps, but they don’t match up. Also, you dig into your backpack to find 360 different compasses with 360 different directions for north.

How are you supposed to get anywhere?

What if your destination was of the utmost importance?

“Those who have heard the distant call deep within and who desire to explore the world of Spiritual Disciplines are immediately faced with two difficulties…The second difficulty is a practical one. We simply do not now how to go about exploring the inward life.”

When we turn to the pursuit of spiritual growth, we are faced with conflicting advice. We have heard everything from “Work out your salvation with fear and trembling” to “Be still and know that I am God”. Both ideas make sense and seem to be biblically true, but we cannot figure out how to put them together. The first is frustrating because the task is so immense we do not know where to start. Our best efforts often leave us wandering in circles or making progress in one area of our lives only to be tripped up by yet another. Trying the second option, we find ourselves tired of waiting when there seems to be no change and turn back to the first option or we become so comfortable waiting that we give up any active efforts to grow.

Who is ultimately responsible for our spiritual growth: us or God?

“Picture a long, narrow ridge with a sheer drop-off on either side. The chasm to the right is the way of moral bankruptcy through human strivings for righteousness…The chasm to the left is the moral bankruptcy through the absence of human strivings. On the ridge there is a path, the Disciplines of the spiritual life. This path leads to the inner transformation and healing for which we seek…As we travel on this path, the blessing of God will come upon us and reconstruct us into the image of Jesus Christ. We must always remember that the path does not produce the change; it only places us where the change can occur.”

Perhaps we cannot make sense of our destination. However, we can cry out for the guide. If we are prepared to let go of control without letting go of striving, obediently stay on the path he shows us, realize that our effort only leads us to a place where we are ready for God to change us, and are prepared to submit to his timetable for our spiritual growth, he will make sure we stay on the right path in the pursuit of our destination.