α κ ο υ ω

On getting a life

2008-05-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

I think I read this once upon a time. But SooT forwarded it to me today, from Bob Kee, and it was a good 'refresher'!

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2005/march/26.42.html

The Gospel of Mark is so graphic this way. The first half of the Gospel is Jesus showing people how to live. He's healing everybody. Then right in the middle, he shifts. He starts showing people how to die: "Now that you've got a life, I'm going to show you how to give it up." That's the whole spiritual life. It's learning how to die. And as you learn how to die, you start losing all your illusions, and you start being capable now of true intimacy and love.

--Eugene Peterson

As I read these words, I was reminded of Michael's famous words, "Get a life!"

Might it be that we are to get a life only to lose it; perhaps that we are to get a life in order that we may lose it?

My Grace is Sufficient for You

2008-05-10T09:34:00.002+08:00

2 Corinthians 12:9- But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

this verse brought me through my first year in uni. medical studies has never been easy for me since the first day i entered medical school. i struggled all the way through, and when exams neared, so many of us lost ourselves. we tried to care for others when we ourselves could hardly care for ourselves. those who had never experienced headaches got a string of them, and those who knew not imsomnia expereinced it. the whole process of exams was traumatic for many of us. till now, 10 days after my professional 1 exam, i am still not relaxed. till now, i still think about what medicine can do to people. i still cannot accept medical studies. but God has been faithful in bringing me through this year. when i couldn't take it anymore and really felt like giving up, God's promises gave me hope. and this is what i'll live on for the next few years of my life- His grace and faithfulness.

leading a self-initiated ministry in uni, God brought many poeple to Himself. could i actually say that it was me who brought people closer to God? well, i did do things, but is it not His grace that chose me to lead this? is it not His Spirit that inspired people to draw close to Him? am i not just another broken vessel, a sinner, emotional and weak? it is grace.

there is so much more to learn, so much in me that is faulty, yet His grace assures me of my privilege as a child of God. unworthy. therefore, how could i live without Him? will i not die in my own sin? "My grace is sufficient for you..."

Focus for the holidays

2008-05-08T14:36:00.000+08:00

Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.

Keep your servant also from wilful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

--Psalm 19:12-14 (NIV)

That as he [Brother Lawrence] knew his obligation to love God in all things, and as he endeavoured so to do, he had no need of a director to advise him, but that he needed much a confessor to absolve him. That he was very sensible of his faults, but not discouraged by them; that he confessed them to God, but did not plead against Him to excuse them. When he had so done, he peaceably resumed his usual practice of love and adoration.

--from The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence

Further along the way: self-control, grace, silence and trust

2008-05-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, "I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me."

His disciples stared at one another, at a loss to know which of them he meant. One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him. Simon Peter motioned to this disciple and said, "Ask him which one he means."

Leaning back against Jesus, he asked him, "Lord, who is it?"

Jesus answered, "It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish." Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas Iscariot, son of Simon.

--John 13:21-26 (NIV)

The symbol of dipping a piece of bread was first recorded in the identification of Judas as Jesus' traitor.

As we celebrated the Eucharist in church this morning, two thoughts came to me:

First, how can I overcome sin in the flesh if I cannot even control the time I sleep? I shall be making it a point to head to bed by 11 p.m. daily this month, not because I think extra sleep will save me from sin, but because I believe (as Pastor Vincent preached this morning on the revival that followed the appointment of waiters - Acts 6) there is a correlation of sorts between being able to control one area of my body and another.

As I held the bread in my hand, I remembered that Jesus submitted His body to His Father.

Second, it was to the traitor that the symbol of the ultimate miracle was instituted. Perhaps it was because he, of all people, needed it most then. "But where sin increased, grace increased all the more..." (Romans 5:20).

Whether it was because of his need or not. I know I need it. I need the reminder of Christ's sacrifice no less than I need the forgiveness which comes from it.

* * * * *

I found myself encouraged yesterday by the writings of one d'NAer and a conversation I had with another d'NAer over two years ago.

While packing the tall cabinet downstairs, I stumbled upon Yen's Asian Beacon article, 'The Woman Who Would Not Give Up' (which I printed out from some online source). I haven't told many people about it, but lately I have felt what might best be described as 'moulting pains' concerning my photography and, to a lesser degree, my writing.

It's as if the last few months have shown me that my art is taking me somewhere; in fact, prior to the last semester in university, I never really considered my photography as art. Now I am inclined to think it is more art than photography. Whatever.

But I don't really know where it's taking me, or how to get there. But I know God is faithful, and Yen's article reminded me of a word first drummed into me by Frederick Buechner in his essay 'The Road Goes On': T-R-U-S-T.

Yen wrote;

What I am learning is that we should not turn to God only when we have exhausted all human means, for if we trust in God only as a last resort we might now know how to trust Him even as a last resort.

I couldn't agree more, and I think this is the lesson I, too, am learning.

The other d'NAer is Joan. In January 2006, I had a conversation with her over MSN, and we talked about hearing God among other things. She was taking a break from blogging then, and I was still coming to terms with my new job as Editor-in-Chief of the Victorian Editorial Board.

It occurred to me at church this morning that the things I said to Joan might cause some people to assume I believe that God always speaks in some fluttering, still, small voice accompanied by a sudden warming of the heart and an overwhelmingly benevolent peace of the soul. That would be untrue.

Rather, the silence Joan and I realised was so necessary is the silence needed to truly hear ('akouo'), not so much the peaceful, calming voice of God (although our God is a God of peace), but the hard-hitting voice of God.

When I think about it, God's voice is very hard-hitting in its simplicity; often the voice brings to us a realisation of what we are doing wrong or what we ought to be doing. And it can be very hard to accept what the voice says.

As C.S. Lewis recalls in his essay, 'A Slip of the Tongue';

A good author... asks somewhere, "Have we never risen from our knees in haste for fear God's will should become too unmistakable if we prayed longer?"

Silence is difficult for noisy people like myself. But I believe it is, along with trust, something I need especially in this season of metamorphosis. I need to avail myself to the word of God, to the will of God, to the wisdom of God, to the way of God. And I cannot get there unless I prepare myself through the discipline of silence, and through it cultivate trust in the Leader.

Reflections on a Bukit Tinggi Retreat

2008-04-20T15:39:00.002+08:00

While I was still in prison in the courtyard, the LORD's message came to me again. The LORD, who made the earth, who formed it and set it in place, spoke to me. He whose name is the LORD said, "Call to me, and I will answer you; I will tell you wonderful and marvellous things that you know nothing about.

"I, the LORD, the God of Israel, say that the houses of Jerusalem and the royal palace of Judah will be torn down as a result of the siege and the attack. Some will fight against the Babylonians, who will fill the houses with the corpses of those whom I am going to strike down in my anger and fury. I have turned away from this city because of the evil things that its people have done.

"But I will heal this city and its people and restore them to health. I will show them abundant peace and security. I will make Judah and Israel prosperous, and I will rebuild them as they were before. I will purify them from the sins that they have committed against me, and I will forgive their sins and their rebellion.

"Jerusalem will be a source of joy, honour, and pride to me; and every nation in the world will fear and tremble when they hear about the good things that I do for the people of Jerusalem and about the prosperity that I bring to the city."

--Jeremiah 33:1-9 (TEV)

The PKV's recent Committee Planning Retreat (CPR) at Gracehill Lodge, Bukit Tinggi, went well. (See pictures here.)

We have our theme and objectives for 2008/2009, and as to what that theme is, it's a surprise! All I can say at the moment is that LEGO bricks probably fit in the picture somewhere.

I'm writing this because a few days ago, I was reading Jeremiah 33. It happens that we chose for one of our objectives the supporting verse Jeremiah 33:3 (Call to me...), and I basically structured my devotions over the last few days around the verses we chose for the objectives.

It occurred to me that the Jeremiah passage quoted above somewhat sums up what our thrust for the coming year will be:

Building the city of God and living out the forgiveness which is its foundation.

Calling to God and listening to Him as He helps us make sense of what's going on around us.

Being a source of joy and honour to the nations.

Two songs come to mind at this point. The first is 'Rebuild' by Switchfoot, Relient K and Ruth. The second is 'God's Got An Army':

God's got an army, marching through the land
Deliverance is their song, with healing in their hands
Everlasting joy and gladness in their hearts
And in this army I've got a part.

And that's what the theme means to me really; about the unity in this army, the joy and the healing and the gladness we are called to carry to each other and to those outside the army. The sort of paradoxical army of a paradoxical kingdom; a kingdom whose King will not stay buried.

A kingdom whose power is not so much that there is no more death or hurt in it, but that the death cannot kill and the hurt can no longer cause pain.

It will be a season that calls for much change in our attitudes, I believe. And just this morning, I read these words on Sacred Gateway.

When we meet Jesus in prayer, we do not need to explain. He reads our hearts too. One of the joys of prayer is that it opens our hearts to us, so that we realise our own jealousies or resentments, our deeper feelings. To meet him in this way, we need to be still and stop making words.

Perhaps it is hardest for those like me (and maybe some of us) who are almost naturally wordy. Yen laughed at me (and with good reason, I believe!) when I said I thought of staying low-profile when the next semester begins, such that the incoming juniors would have to ask, "Who is Benjamin?"

But half a year down as Prayer Head, I realise this is probably what I need to change most of all. I need to be quieter that I may listen; I need to be quieter that I may write and reflect well. Above all, I need to be quieter because my rather active lifestyle is really taking quite a bit out of me, and God knows I need the stamina for the real work.

* * * * *

Four animals: four reminders.

The snake and fruit amidst the bushes reminds me of Satan's destructive activity and how he aims to lay siege on the City of God, of the power of his temptation and how he tries to make us forget our place in the garden.

The dogs at the entrance of the house remind me that God calls us to be faithful, loving and trusting, even as one family in one household. Of all the animals in the world, the dog is called man's best friend and is the reverse spelling of 'God'.

The wasps remind me of the importance of unity and teamwork in the body of Christ, for which Christ prayed in Gethsemane. In some ways the leaf that gives them shade against the sun reminds me of the vine God caused to grow for Jonah; of His grace in our weakness.

The lizard reminds me to be patient and still, to wait upon the Lord at all times. Reptiles, being cold-blooded, rely upon heat from the surroundings to 'activate' the enzymes in their bodies; likewise I am reminded to 'lean not upon my own understanding' (Prov. 3:5).

And I think, like the animals, we learnt (at least in part) what it means to depend on God's providence. Following Entangled, Adrian of the PKV called God the 'God of the Red Sea' because so many 'Red Seas' had parted in the run-up to the musical and also throughout the semester.

Following CPR, it dawned upon me that the Red Sea was only the beginning of the trials; the Israelites had only begun to experience God's power. The real testing would come in the desert, and the most miraculous providence would also come then.

Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

--Deuteronomy 8:2-5 (NIV)

God provided for us in Bukit Tinggi; we had just enough electricity, an amazing variety of garden plants to supplement our cooking, a relatively complete kitchen, a good balance of rain and shine (and an experience of what someone called 'God taking photographs', i.e. thunder and lightning)...

And a whole lot more fun than we thought we'd have (read: piano, drum set and swimming pool with diving platform)!

So we've crossed the Red Sea; the desert lies ahead, and beyond that the Promised Land. May we not forget these lessons even in the coming semester.

(All photos taken at Gracehill, except wasps taken at the entrance to the adjacent private property. These were about all the animals we saw, barring occasional birds; I forgot to shoot the leeches... argh!)

Post-Election Thoughts

2008-03-10T21:36:00.000+08:00

I was wondering if I had anything to say about the recent General Elections, given that I generally shy away from politics (ironically it was politics that gave me a head start into the world of public speaking).

Amidst all the cheers of victory on the side of the Opposition (and the vast majority of its backing citizens), I felt the change a good thing. I'm not saying things in Malaysia will turn out for the better; stability with a good number of freedoms revoked is probably better than a lot of great ideas but no solid ground for implementation.

In a state like Kelantan (and perhaps to some extent Kedah) where PAS has been in power for so long, it is nothing new. But the entire political landscapes of Perak, Selangor and Penang, for instance, have changed dramatically. For the first time ever, I think of the friends I encountered today and realise that most of them are from Opposition-controlled states.

But I said earlier that change is probably a good thing. Yesterday morning before church, I found myself thinking this over as I browsed through the statistics on the Election Commission's official website. Change is perhaps a good thing for people bored of the same old same old, but I think more so for the Christian, because it is only change in this world that can remind us of the unchanging things.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever, said the writer of Hebrews.

Chuck Colson opened Steven Curtis Chapman's 'Heaven in the Real World' with this narration: "The hope that each of us has is not in who governs us, or what laws are passed, or what great things we do as a nation. Our hope is in the power of God working through the hearts of people, and that's where our hope is in this country, and that's where our hope is in life."

Come what may, God's work continues. It has survived the destruction of Jerusalem, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Enlightenment, the Industrial Revolution, the Communist Revolution, two World Wars, to name a few.

And because of this we are free to vote, and free to rejoice and celebrate the victorious politicians. Not so much because we have faith in their capabilities, but because our faith is rooted in the One to whom all rulers are subject, and so we know that no matter who rules over us, we are safe and have a future in Him.

Praise Him.

The Future in His Hands

2008-02-28T02:27:00.003+08:00

And even though sometimes Your ways
I cannot understand
I'll never walk away because
My future's in Your hands
~Running After you, Planetshakers

I'm at a point in my life now where I almost completely do not understand what God is doing with my life and in my life. Or maybe I am at a point where I finally realise that I normally don't understand anyway. I just assume. Honestly, if I truly understood, I would be 1) freaked out and 2) unable to practice faith hope, perseverance and character-building, etc.

If God told Abraham before all the trials he underwent, that he would have a son and that son would have to be sacrificed, Abraham might have baulked. But Abraham faced that final test of faith once he had undergone so many other little tests that he could reason that God could raise the dead ( a big improvement from his previous reasoning that he and Sarah were too old to have children).

So while I do understand in the present the season of life that I'm in, whether of trial, rest or spiritual revelation, the long-term outcome is not something I can ever predict with certainty. Joseph in his prison would have been hard-pressed to imagine how his dreams of bowing sheaves and stars could come true, though he seems to never have given up hope in his destiny, rising in favour even with the prison warden. In the same way, I've been asking, what is the point of all the events of my life up to now? If every moment counts toward a higher purpose, even the bad ones, then giving up in situations isn't an option. What is my purpose in Christ? I don't mean theologically--we're all predestined to glory, etc. I mean, what is my personal mission for Christ given by him? What are the good works prepared in advance for me to do, like the art and craft materials prepared by the teacher beforehand for his class? That's what I'd really like to know. Maybe that's predestination. God knows those who want to take his art class and provides the canvas and the paints and teaches us as we go. No matter how simple and unremarkable the stuff we paint is, he already knows how it will turn out and already has in his mind how he'll fit it all together with his own masterpiece, so that it becomes a thing of great beauty. And the cool thing is that in the end, we are his masterpiece--not our works, unless our works are of course other people whose lives the master artist has sculpted through us. The future in his hands is the destiny I wish to fulfil.

2008-02-22T00:40:00.002+08:00

Romans 8: 28-30
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

The verse at the centre of the predestination debate. Do humans really have no free will? Does God determine everything? And if He does, then are some people assigned to hell? As I ponder these questions, I think we are asking the wrong ones. Whence derives this assumption that predestination and free will are polarised? What is predestination in the first place? Maybe it's God working for the good of those who have been called; maybe it's God determining the ultimately good outcome of the "called" ones, whether going through good times or whether suffering persecution to further his kingdom. In which case it isn't talking directly about free will. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" is the following verse. So Paul is definitely still talking about living the victorious Christian life in a broken world, not about who gets to heaven and who does not.

And it also struck me that vs 29 has God's foreknowledge preceding his predestination--"those God foreknew he also predestined." The paradox of free will and predestination arises, in fact, from our inability to distinguish between the power to choose and the power to determine an outcome. Nobody has the power to make a coin come down heads just because they choose to side with heads. You can still choose a side, though--that's my current stand (non-Calvinistic, in rough terms, I think. Never really got into the theology of the debate). But God does have the power to determine that whatever happens, it happens for good, according to His purposes. And so in the world He decided to send Jesus to die on the cross, because he already knew the outcome behind the ignominy would be the glory of the risen Saviour and his Church. He knew beforehand the condition of our hearts and I believe God is big enough (omnipotent enough--but I don't really like the word...sounds a bit clinical sometimes) to actually know who will accept Him and who will not. So if he chooses to harden hearts and use some vessels for ignoble purposes, etc (Romans 9:16-18) it really is, as Paul says, none of our business, since our minds are too limited to comprehend his understanding, which sees all time in a heartbeat--and really, cause and effect are not things he's limited by (in physics terms, just because God made the arrow of time point one way, it doesn't mean his knowledge is limited by its direction). As created beings we simply are not in a position to judge people's heart and say, oh this person deserves to have better in life, and this person doesn't. I like the way Gandalf puts it to Frodo, who thinks Gollum ought to have been killed: "Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement."

Well, whether we are Calvinist, non-Calvinist, or whatever fine distinction we want to make over the millionth part of a hair, it remains that we should not make distinctions between people in terms of judgment because we can't. Our responsibility is to spread the gospel, not decide who lives or dies, who is predestined or not, who deserves better or worse. I leave it in God's hands, because I trust he understand justice more than we do.

Lent ahoy!

2008-02-09T20:42:00.000+08:00

I'm so used to quoting distinguished writers, philosophers, scientists, rock stars... I think I'll start this off by quoting a friend. After all, friends are no less distinguished, are they?

She wrote, and I take the liberty to annotate with my own thoughts;

I am learning to trust that God gives enough for the day, that I will somehow be able to finish my work in time, despite giving up my time for church and praying and friendship.

Church and praying and friendship. Seems more or less what I've been giving up my time for so far, this semester. I suppose the motives are quite different, though; truth be told, I'm just too lazy and I'm somewhat addicted to the company of others.

But I thank God for endurance and strength in my nearly never-ending string of extra-curricular activities.

When all's said and done and the final bell tolls, I think God's not going to ask me how many A's I got but how many disciples I made, how many moments I made count for Him.

How many moments have I made count for God? Not quite as many as I'd wish I did. This Lent... to make more moments count?

But why do we still face temptation (and sometimes give in)? I guess God wants us to find our strength to stand up under temptation, and He wants us to find our strength in Him. If that means making a few more errors while we go the wrong way in order to find the right one, His mercy is such that He allows it. Because He doesn't want us to remain softies who fall at one blow (though it's perfectly fine that that's what I am now). He wants us to grow to be mature Christians.

Writing as one who knows firsthand what this means and having scars to show for it--scars that are still being added as the battle goes on--it is nonetheless an often frustration process. Yet I have hope because I know these things really do happen, that by God's mercy the right way truly can be found.

So I've found that in my life and in the life of others, God clears us of our sins instantly (justification), so we have complete salvation. At the same time, and paradoxically so, redemption is a process. God isn't finished yet.

I like the way you put it. And that word, redemption. I think it lies at the centre of a lot of thoughts I've been having and a lot of things that have been going on in my life lately. Of the two, I really think redemption is the more incredible act; salvation is a big thing, to be sure, but it only involved the death of Jesus. Redemption, on the other hand, is to me very much our death as we share in His.

Don't you know it makes me feel like glass to write and write from the core of my being and face only a crystal silence? Just a line! Not to thank me or whatever. But a line from you about you and about Romans or whatever. I love letters.

(I don't suppose this line was meant for me, but I'll respond to it anyway!)

I love Romans! Romans 7 and 8 especially. The countless times those chapters met me in moments of great despair and fear as much as in moments of glorious triumph and optimism. How indeed the Spirit through St Paul had walked with me even when I least knew it!

* * * * *

If every Christian gives 2% of our time on earth to social causes...

That's about 30 minutes every day. 210 minutes or 3 1/2 hours a week.

There must be something I can do.

* * * * *

...Today, if you hear his voice,

do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,

where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.

For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways."

11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
"They shall never enter my rest."

--Psalm 95:7-11 (NIV)

There is this song by Mary Wetzel called 'With All My Heart', one of those songs from the Donut Man collections. I think it has become somewhat of an anthem for me lately.

With all my heart
I will follow after You
With all my soul
I will praise You, O Lord
With all the strength that You have given me
I'll not be led astray
With all my heart
I will walk in Your ways.

As I read the psalm, I realise I do not want to be a person whose heart goes astray, who does not know the ways of my Master.

Alissa, as I read your recent entries on this blog, I began to realise the direction I need to take this Lent: it is reconciliation.

Over the last few months, since starting life in university, I'd successfully made it through one semester without falling into some old pitfalls that have dogged me virtually every year in school. But some things went wrong towards the end of the year, mostly because of me being headstrong and stubborn and all. Now, looking back and, to some extent, looking ahead, I realise I need to make amends with some of these people. I need to ask their forgiveness.

It is difficult to live knowing you carry the name of God, especially when you are a committee member in a Christian organisation. How much simpler life would be if I didn't have that burden! I could be drunk and wild and loose anytime I wanted; but not when I bear this.

Yet would I rather be anywhere else? A few weeks ago a truth came to me; a truth that said, simply, "This is where you are." A truth that spoke to a lot of fears and doubts I'd had last year; that spoke by stating the obvious, no more and no less. And yet it was the answer I needed.

To spend Lent working on reconciliation. Thinking of the life of Christ, I suppose it makes sense that way, doesn't it?

(The pun-ish, semi-lame title just came spontaneously at the end of this post.)

Vignettes Of James

2008-02-06T01:23:00.000+08:00

Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
James 1:22

Dear Father,

Your word speaks volumes about your heart, and shows me the condition of mine. With the Holy Spirit, it brings the pain of conviction, provides the words for repentance and speaks the freedom of truth. I want to delight in your word to the point that I also delight in following what it says. It's easy to stop at just reading and analysing. What does it mean to do what your word says?

Religion that God accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:27

Dear Father,

To do what your word says, I think may be this: to seek after your heart, and at the centre of your heart is your love for us, for the weak and defenceless. For the people whom society ignores and despises. I'm sure we're not barbaric enough to hate widows and orphans, but to you, to allow someone to continue living at the short end of unequal wealth distribution is to despise, isn't it? Your love is so much that to be apathetic is to hate.

If every nation in the world gave 2% of its GDP to alleviate world poverty we could eradicate poverty (assuming people used the money to become self-sufficient). If every Christian gives 2% of our time on earth to social causes, how much would we accomplish for your name? That's one year out of 50. What if everything we do in our lives is not to achieve financial security for ourselves but to seek the benefit of others? Does that sound just a little crazy?

If we were to live by your word, what does gaining the world and losing my soul really mean? Trying to gain pieces of the world, I lose pieces of my soul. I fragment, break apart. I am torn between two masters.

I am sorry.

Not many should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.
James 3:1

Dear Father,

Why should I be given the gift of discerning and teaching the Word I would like to know. You...you....you--well, there's no contradicting you, is there? What shall the clay say to the potter? Shall it whine for being given what can probably be considered a noble purpose? Still, I would like to have my say. I would like to say that what with your word being a light unto my feet and a light unto my path and all that, the world still looks like a pretty dark place to me. That I am afraid. Sometimes it's hard to admit being afraid. In this world it's weak to be afraid and uncertain. It's weak to be honest and transparent to the point that you sound like a child.

But your word wells up in my heart like a spring of water, washing away the creeping doubts. There's a power that's made perfect in weakness, a peace that passes all understanding, a strength that goes beyond the marshmallow crust we develop from being burnt by life's trials--crusty on the outside but mushy on the inside. Ineffable power, peace and strength. Ineffable...I like that word: incapable of being expressed in words. Sounds lazy, like I don't want to describe this. But in the end perhaps there are some things that are beyond understanding yet within experience. A strength with an unbreakable core. The strength of saints.

But why this gift? Why given at one and the same time mastery of and vulnerability to words? What am I for? The clay would still like to speak to the potter.

Till The Full Light Of Day

2008-02-02T23:53:00.000+08:00

My cell group is embarking on a three-chapter-a-week journey through the Bible, and we have started on Romans. We share our thoughts periodically. Here are mine. I thought to edit the letter, but I think more nuances come through in the unexpurgated form (save for names)--for instance, the feeling that I must have been high when I wrote this.

Dear all,

Hello!

Thank you for the sharings. They are very encouraging and I learn new things from them. I think we don't have to share anything utterly "cheem" but just let the Word sink in and share from our heart. It would be very cool if more people share (hint hint) a line or two. I mean, I like to be long-winded but a short line can do as much (and even more) than any number of paragraphs. And I believe writing in is as much an action as it is a reflection. We encourage each other and ourselves, and develop (as P--- would call it) a rhythm of Bible reading and a pattern of encouragement. =D

Romans 7-9 presents some very challenging thoughts--challenging to human pride, that is. First of all, Romans 9 talks about God having mercy on whom he will, and the troubling example of Pharoah being raised up specifically to become hardened and for God to display his power to the world through him. I found this hard to swallow when younger. The question "Then why does God still blame us?" (9:19) was in my thoughts.

I suppose eventually one finds out that one has missed the trees for the wood (or however the saying goes). Reading this passage again, I realise that my thinking has changed over the years (hopefully this is the "being transformed by the renewing of your mind through the Holy Spirit" thingy in Romans 12:2). Rather than being a piece about God's harshness, Romans 7-9 presents His incomparable mercy. First there is a dilemma: we are at war within ourselves because we keep doing bad things which we don't want to do. But we are saved from this "law of sin" through Jesus so that we no longer need to fight from the losing side. We can start from the winning side instead. Like B-- said, we are called to work out our salvation and not work at our salvation, which I think is a powerful summary of the whole book of Romans.

Thus, we have the amazing freedom of living by the Spirit and no longer being trapped by sin. We are free to do anything and be anything, and not just keep acting self-destructively. I'm in the Humanities (i.e Literature, theatre and so on) and there people are always saying things to the effect that Christianity is controlling and limiting and whatnot. But I think that this is not true and I am angry. Yes. I am. Angry. (no, not the wanna shout back kind of anger). I had a Bible teacher once who compared living in sin to having a whole field to move around in, yet we insist in walking into the post in the middle, just coz' God said don't walk into it, it's not good for you. I guess that's a simpler analogy of what happened in Eden.

I would like to share, though, that this rhetoric of freedom can be daunting to people trapped in cycles of sin (like addiction and stuff). I had a friend who would think herself condemned when she read these verses, because she couldn't seem to be victorious over sin like all the stuff conventional church preaching says. And I don't mean to say that the Bible is wrong. I think this is something we absolutely need to know. It's just that real life can be pretty messy and in my experience most of the time God doesn't miraculously take our predilection to sinning away and leave us completely pure and holy do-gooders. But why do we still face temptation (and sometimes give in)? I guess God wants us to find our strength to stand up under temptation, and He wants us to find our strength in Him. If that means making a few more errors while we go the wrong way in order to find the right one, His mercy is such that He allows it. Because He doesn't want us to remain softies who fall at one blow (though it's perfectly fine that that's what I am now). He wants us to grow to be mature Christians.

So I've found that in my life and in the life of others, God clears us of our sins instantly (justification), so we have complete salvation. At the same time, and paradoxically so, redemption is a process. God isn't finished yet. There's a future glory that's just waiting to be revealed, that's so much more that anything we can imagine, and so much more than our sufferings can ever win for us, because it's a glory that Christ won for us through his death and resurrection (8:18). Don't you know the whole of creation is waiting for the moment when Christ comes back again (8:20)? Maybe that's what we are all really looking for, deep inside even without knowing it (8:23). Isn't that why we changed fairy tales to have happy endings? Aren't we all waiting for that ultimate happy ending? We are waiting for the redemption of our bodies, to be completely free of the sinful nature. Meanwhile, from what I've seen and known, I believe that God works in redemptive cycles in the lives of those who are trapped in cycles of sin. I have witnessed it in the lives of people around me. One who had constant outbursts of anger grew less angry over time, though she still continued to have outbursts. Eventually she stopped altogether. One who was trapped in addiction slowly came out of it, not without pain--but over the years, the desire for short-lived pleasure and self-gratification is slowly being replaced with the desire to please God, so that one gives in less and less to the addiction over time. And one whose life moved in cycles of depression found that each cycle, though more painful, ended in far more peace and joy than she could ever find on her own, all due only to the grace of God. We are all, I think, moving in redemptive cycles, slowly being weaned off an addiction to ourselves and placed on the highway to freedom in Christ. It is more true than we could ever know, that "the path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, growing every brighter till the full light of day" (from Proverbs, but I'm rushing off now so I can't find the reference. sorry)

So I ended somewhat off the topic but I just felt moved to give my testimony from the passage. I told you Romans 8 is my favourite! Please write back! (and I don't mean K-- and B--). Don't you know it makes me feel like glass to write and write from the core of my being and face only a crystal silence? Just a line! Not to thank me or whatever. But a line from you about you and about Romans or whatever. I love letters. Ok, before I can sound more berserk than I already do, I shall end.

Blessings,
-----

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread

2008-02-02T03:36:00.001+08:00

I used to spend a great deal of time worrying about whether I could stay two steps ahead of my work. And then worrying when I couldn't. And then worrying whether I would be able to catch up tomorrow. This semester of studies I am barely able to keep up, if at all, especially since I am now "old" in my youth service and have to step up to lead a lot more. Between church activities, campus activities, and the six modules I'm taking for this semester (insane, I know), I should have plenty to worry about. But I'm not. Strangely. This semester seems to be about learning that God will give me my daily bread, and to trust Him for that. I am learning to trust that God gives enough for the day, that I will somehow be able to finish my work in time, despite giving up my time for church and praying and friendship. And throughout these weeks I have had just enough hours in the day to accomplish what that day required. And if I didn't finish what the world has demanded I finish, I know I did my best by my Father's standards. When all's said and done and the final bell tolls, I think God's not going to ask me how many A's I got but how many disciples I made, how many moments I made count for Him.

Preparing for an answer

2008-01-22T16:25:00.000+08:00

And one thing more: Prepare a guest room for me, because I hope to be restored to you in answer to your prayers.

--Philemon 22 (NIV)

I found myself stuck at this verse.

Chian Ming (my CG leader) had painstakingly typed out the entire letter to Philemon because she was unaware that there were online Bible resources. As I was reading through the epistle, this verse stopped me in my tracks.

I suppose it's because of Paul's confidence that he would be released from prison, what with the instructions to prepare for his visit. And I wondered if I ever had so much faith, or at least, faith enough to make plans in anticipation of God's favourable response.

There's this story I heard a long time ago, and you might have heard it too, of how a community that was in the midst of a terrible drought got together to pray for rain. And then they stood out in the open to wait for the rain. At some point someone spotted in the crowd a girl with an umbrella, and so he/she asked her why she was carrying an umbrella. She said she wanted to be prepared for the rain.

I realise that all too often, I pray and then wait for an answer, but I do nothing to prepare myself for it. Maybe, to put it in simplistic terms, I have been treating prayer like a competition in which I submit my entry and then just wait for the results, rather than an ongoing effort like fishing or farming or helping organise a trip/reunion.

Paul's words to Philemon are an apt reminder to pray with anticipation.

How the past returns!

2008-01-17T10:24:00.000+08:00

(I wrote this post in fragments and snatches over the last twelve days.)

* * * * *

If you told me three years ago that I would one day lead worship on guitar, I wouldn't believe you.

If you told me my childhood fascination with invertebrates and Mum's agreeing to buy me that first BUGS! magazine some twelve years ago would lead me to this course (and perhaps my very future!), I wouldn't believe you.

If you told me my first toy camera about ten years ago would lead me eventually to the D50 (via the Ricoh, nearly countless rolls of film and the G400) and my ever-growing passion for photography, I would have thought it incredible.

* * * * *

Laura led the second worship session at the recent PKV Leaders' Training Retreat. One of the songs we sang was 'Won't You Lord'.

Won't You Lord
Take a look at our hands
Everything we have
Use it for your plan

Won't You Lord
Take a look at our hearts
Mould it, refine it
As you set us apart

Chorus:
We want to run to the altar
And catch the fire
To stand in the gap
Between the living and the dead
Give us a heart of compassion
For a world without vision
We will make a difference
Bringing hope to our land

Bridge:
We will answer the call
To build this church without walls
Let Your glory be shown
Bring salvation to the lost
To the lost

It virtually became the LTR theme song (at least to me) when Kim Cheng drew so many lessons from it, weaving it into her message and challenge to us.

Laura. From the days in the VI's CU to a near-chance encounter at UM's Festival Seni about a year ago, and now to this... how God has weaved our lives together. Two years ago I would have never imagined serving as her colleague in university!

* * * * *

Kim Cheng shared from Romans 12:1-2.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

And this is what being a church without walls is all about.

This is what the altar means to us.

Above all this is the heart of God's work of consecration and the definition of a 'set apart' leader.

I have always found this verse difficult, and maybe for that very reason I should keep it before me especially since it is the most troublesome and incising truths that have the greatest potential to change us.

* * * * *

Pastor Vincent opened the year with Acts 1:8.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

I left church that day with this question in my head; "Is this God's call to go and His promise to change us by His power?"

GT's theme this year is "The Year of EmPOWERment" (yes, spelt verbatim), and I don't think they could've found a more misrepresented word.

Among Christians in general, some cling on religiously to the word, entertaining dreams of untold power and the ability to control their lives and the lives of others around them. Others, on the other hand, are sceptical about it; surely the Gospel is a message of laying down our arms and not one of domination.

And both have their reasons and there are perhaps many other stances on the word 'power' but this is not the point.

The point is that the promise of the Spirit is a promise of power. It is the promise of a power to do what only God can, and man cannot. In Zechariah 4:6, God declares: "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit."

Looking ahead to the months before me, I am at once overwhelmed by the immensity of the task at hand and the many challenges of balancing ministry and the 'day job' and also the challenge to turning the 'day job' into ministry and ministry into the daily job, yet at the same time I am encouraged and strengthened knowing that I can--and I must, for no human can do this by the strength of man alone--draw on a power beyond me and beyond this universe.

* * * * *

God must have a sense of humour to recruit the people he does. Surely it is not because He has limited resources, for He can raise anyone, even a donkey in the classic account of Balaam!

But such is God's nature to use the most unlikely of servants.

And such is God's nature to 'resurrect' things buried in the past and redeem them in the present in ways we can never imagine. To see all these things I knew before, taking on a new significance now... it's just beyond my comprehension. How the mistakes of the past have been redeemed, how my weaknesses have been a backdrop for the display of God's grace and mercy, how the little insignificant decisions made many years ago have shaped the many years that followed.

I journey on.

How Deep, High, Long and Wide is the Love of Christ

2008-01-03T12:05:00.000+08:00

As bread that is broken
Use our lives
As wine that is poured out
A willing sacrifice
Empower us Father
To share the love of Christ
As bread that is broken Lord
Use our lives

~Paul Baloche and Claire Cloninger

I spent the last few months of 2007 preparing for HIGHER, my church's youth camp. The preparation, and the camp itself, is an experience that I still can't put words to. I have never had the privilege to be part of something so big, with 130 odd campers, and so humbling when we caught a glimpse of God's awesome love for us. I could congratulate myself for sticking to the job and giving my all for this (which I have never done before, being normally inconsistent), etc etc, but in my heart I know it's not the complete story. I know I only did a good job because there was a strong sense of God's intention for the camp, His Higher purpose, throughout the planning. Our leaders prayed over it and gave us their complete support; church administrators helped us with food; plans that fell through came together again in the nick of time.I was especially humbled by the way everyone in the committee gave their best for the Lord through this camp. With such a cloud of witnesses, there was no reason to run half-heartedly. And I believe God has used this camp to prepare us as a community for His service in this year.

This year I want to learn a little more what it means to serve as broken bread and poured out wine. I don't think it is possible to ever come to the end of learning this. Perhaps that's what all this excitement about Jabez and enlarging our territory means. God will continue to draw us to the very edge of ourselves, our abilities. If I think I cannot possibly be more broken than I was last year, or that I have not one more drop left to give, that's when I learn how God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. I need to realise just how empty I am so that I can be filled with God's strength and love, filled to overflowing, filled to the point that my heart is stretched and my spirit enlarged. And I will have learnt more the depth of Christ's love and forgiveness, participated more in his sufferings, and anticipated more of the glory to come. That's what I want out of this year: to enter the depths of Christ's love in serving to the point of brokenness. And to remember (as the melancholic me often forgets) that in the midst of that brokenness I can still rejoice in the knowledge that what is in store will be so much greater, and worth the effort, just as Christ, knowing the glory that was ahead of him, endured the cross.

Harvest and Judgement

2007-12-13T01:20:00.000+08:00

Harvest is part of judgement, and judgement part of harvest.

Seek the LORD and live,
or he will sweep through the house of Joseph like a fire;
it will devour,
and Bethel will have no one to quench it.

Seek good, not evil,
that you may live.
Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you,
just as you say he is.

Hate evil, love good;
maintain justice in the courts.
Perhaps the LORD God Almighty will have mercy
on the remnant of Joseph.

--Amos 5:6,14-15

I have heard it said in some quarters that we are living in the end times because the world seems to be hurtling towards its doom, and apparently the 'signs of the age' are increasingly manifest.

Not that I disagree about the signs of the age, but nonetheless I can't help wondering what's so different about this age compared to the ages before. I'm sure the Roman Inquisition was no less horrifying than the Holocaust, nor the Crusades less terrible than the War on Terror.

The call of God in Amos has echoed throughout history and echoes still: seek the Lord, seek good, seek justice.

Do horses run on the rocky crags?
Does one plow there with oxen?
But you have turned justice into poison
and the fruit of righteousness into bitterness--

you who rejoice in the conquest of Lo Debar
and say, "Did we not take Karnaim by our own strength?"

--Amos 6:12-13

According to the NIV text note, 'Lo Debar' means 'nothing' and 'Karnaim' means 'horn', which here symbolises strength.

I am inclined to agree with Alissa that evil is less an entity on its own (as in an 'evil act' perpetrated) and more a matter of a 'wrong good' done. Amos 6:12 illustrates the perversion of the natural order of things and I think this harmonises with the thrust of Genesis, which is that sin and all that we know as evil traces its roots to the corruption of that which was meant for good.

And the line that immediately follows in verse 13 puts it bluntly, in an almost Ecclesiastical manner: "you who rejoice in the conquest of 'nothing'..."

We who build our own castles in the air and boast of our strength, in the face of the fact that what we build today can be so easily torn down tomorrow. And Jesus was clear about this in His teachings on storing our treasures and seeking the Kingdom of God.

Reading Amos over the last few days has been an enriching and sobering process. I am being reminded of God's original purpose for creation and the promise of restoration. And I am being encouraged even to live for Him in this in-between time.

The futility of Israel's attempts to keep itself afloat is also our futility, and it is good to know that our hope and security and future is in One whose strength is not our strength, whose call is unflinchingly severe yet full of grace; and for whom we were created that we may seek Him and live, that we may turn from our ways and our strivings and learn to breathe and live in Him.

Peace

2007-12-01T23:29:00.000+08:00

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord
sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

Psalm 3:5-6

I don't have much to say this week; I would just like to thank God for sustaining me through the exams and giving me the assurance of victory. It's not the same as success. He hasn't promised great results as if I didn't have to work for it. But more like victory over the tens of thousands of anxieties that crop up daily for the compulsive temperament; victory over the fears and confounded perfectionism that kept me from writing complete essays in timed exams.

This peace is so valuable, and yet, looking back at my life I realise just how much time I spent running away from it, seeking "better" things that I thought would make me happy, if only I had them. I spent disproportionately more time on studies and no time on praying. I seemed to be doing a lot of running around, chasing butterflies that wouldn't be caught. I'm still learning how to be still, to stop and look at Christ, trusting that he will provide all that I need for the day.

Ephesians 1:19-21

2007-11-23T17:57:00.000+08:00

"and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 2ar above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."

i don't have much to share. but this verse helped me a lot when i was facing a spiritual attack about a month ago-- that the power that raised Christ from the dead is the power that is in me. i was and still am very much encouraged. in many things i fear, but what to say? i have Christ in me. what more should i fear?

i can only say that "i love my God." through all that has been happening, only His love sustains me. His promises i hold dear because by them i gain comfort and strength to carry on...

Immeasurably More

2007-11-07T01:53:00.000+08:00

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

--Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)

I think I am at times prone to underestimating God. Not the sort of underestimating in which I doubt if God can perform some great miracle, but the sort in which I wonder if God can really provide just enough grace for the nearest challenge, the struggle at hand.

The subtle day-to-day trials, the all-too-human conflicts and the overfamiliar grind--all of which never seem to need God's involvement. And it seems so easy to apply myself to these without thinking that God is necessary in facing them, let alone capable of helping me overcome them in ways I can barely imagine.

Usually I have an idea, and then, in no particular order, I find a verse to help express that idea within a Biblical framework and a picture to accompany it. This time the idea came last. I was fiddling with the picture when it suddenly seemed to convey metaphorically an answer to a thought that arose in an argument yesterday. Finally the verse came and linked it all together.

What the picture said to me was this: If a chef can make all sorts of delicious masterpieces (of art as much as taste; and believe me, nearly all restaurants in that part of KL serve miniscule but meticulously--and often perfectly--prepared portions!) out of the basest of ingredients, then can't God do the same with the base elements of my--our--daily experiences?

This isn't a new revelation, but a reminder, for I all too easily forget. The chef knows how to cook. Another word that has kept recurring (from those Frederick Buechner essays) is trust. And it isn't hard to see the connection. To believe the chef is capable is to trust the chef.

To trust the chef, not with my life, but with the food that is a part of my life. To trust God, not so much with my life itself, but with the ones who are so much a part of my life as well. And to trust Him with the one who is, perhaps a little more than all the others, a part of the very heart of me.

(Photo taken on 6 November 2007 at EEST Restaurant, Westin Hotel Kuala Lumpur.)

Imagination and Faith

2007-10-15T10:42:00.000+08:00

Isaiah 65:2

"All day long I have held out my hands
to an obstinate people,
who walk in ways not good,
pursuing their own imaginations--"

In my younger years I intentionally stayed away from the arts. Apart from practical considerations and a liking for science, I stayed away because I sensed a deep fracture between imagination and spirituality, and I was afraid. Imagination by itself as an abstract concept is morally neutral, but since the time of Eve it has been used to imagine a world without God that could be better than what God has provided. But how can you add to infinity? As SimianD has put it, is there more than God's calling us to do all that we can do in His infinite Spirit?

The arts world at large is given over to creating and interpreting a world without God. My introductory lit module is on modernity, so lectures week by week are about the absence of God and the failure of self-empowerment to create, failure to create a self-identity, failure to commemorate loss--failure, in fact, to be who we imagine ourselves to be. At the same time, we celebrate the agony and ecstasy of an indomitable imagination. This is how G.K Chesterton eloquently phrases the frustration of self-discovery:

We have all read in scientific books, and, indeed, in all romances, the story of the man who has forgotten his name. This man walks about the streets and can see and appreciate everything; only he cannot remember who he is. Well, every man is that man in the story. Every man has forgotten who he is. One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego; the self more distant than any star. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God; but thou shalt not know thyself. We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.
(G.K Chesterton, Orthodoxy: The Romance Of Faith)

Whether it is about rediscovering, uncovering, redefining or deconstructing the past, present, future, duration or eternal moment, the arts reaches out for that word at the tip of the tongue, that glimpse of grey fluff at the corner of the eye (1), that person whose face is an elusive blur. And so, in reaction to Old Religion's attempts to impose a limiting definition that homogenizes humanity, artists, philosophers and scientists have broken out in various directions, striking out on paths of our own making.

To tell the truth, I'd have given up already if I had to find my identity through religion--gone and lived a bohemian lifestyle or something in reaction to all the religious stuff I had to do in the past. Let's face it, the Church can sometimes be as messy as anything out there, so I'm not surprised that many people my age have left it to search for something that fits their imagination, something that might help us recover what we've forgotten, because it looks like the Church is wandering in the private wilderness of its backyard. But we find our identity not through serving, not through being good Christians, but in loving and being loved by Christ. Love--it sounds so soft, but it's deeper than the deepest roots of the mountains that plant their feet into the heart of the earth. It goes beyond the romanticised notions of heroic, noble deaths...many people die nobly and heroically for a good cause, even in this cynical age. I can't get over how Christ would die ignobly for our cause, even when we didn't want or deserve it.

We need to reclaim the arts. Not for Christendom, not for the Church or old jingoism like that. Just to use our imaginations to the fullest potential for Christ. Despite all that the academic world tells me about religion limiting the imagination, I still believe that our greatest freedom is in remembering who we are in Christ--a free people no longer thrall to sin. So here I am, fearfully on the brink of the arts world, wondering how to bridge this mental chaos so that spirit and imagination are not sheared in separate directions, wondering how to read and argue through modern and postmodern ideas without losing myself or my faith.

Notes:

1. Imagery taken from Sula by Toni Morrison.

Reflections on Prayer

2007-10-14T16:59:00.000+08:00

The following is my attempt at making sense of various thoughts and threads that have occupied my mind over the last two weeks or so.

It was written as an open letter to the Christian Fellowship's mailing list, but I've made some edits for d'NAer readership here.

Calling

For He says to Moses, “I WILL HAVE MERCY ON WHOM I HAVE MERCY, AND I WILL HAVE COMPASSION ON WHOM I HAVE COMPASSION.”

So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy.

On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it?

Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?...

~ Romans 9:15-16, 20-21 (NASB)

So I’m the new Prayer Coordinator for the PKVUM (Persaudaraan Kristian Varsiti UM).

As I reflect on God’s calling in this area, I think of Jesus’ words to His disciples, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” (Mark 6:31b)

The disciples had come to Him and reported all they had done and taught. Naturally, the crowds also followed and they were so busy with ministry that they did not have a chance to eat (Mark 6:30-31). That is when Jesus called them to solitude.

Henri Nouwen points out that the literal translation of the words ‘pray always’ is ‘come to rest’ (Greek hesychia) and that a hesychast is ‘a man or a woman who seeks solitude and silence as the ways to unceasing prayer.

Experience

Since becoming Prayer Coordinator, I’ve ‘headed’ two activities: the midnight prayer at DTC (Dewan Tunku Canselor) and the three-day morning prayer meetings at KPS (Kompleks Perdanasiswa, i.e. Student Centre). What have I learnt from these?

At DTC, we gathered at the porch while the votes (for the student elections) were being counted. The Aspirasi (pro-Government) squad had not arrived yet, but Gagasan (pro-Opposition) supporters were already there chanting away (as they always do). It was unfortunate that when Aspirasi arrived, they could only blow whistles in a vain attempt to silence Gagasan.

Contrast that with the voice of prayer. We were nowhere as loud as Gagasan or as cacophonous as Aspirasi, yet in our prayer we believe we move the hands of God. We prayed for a just vote count, and Siew Yong (a PKV CG leader from the Science Faculty) pointed out to me that this was the first time in her experience that there was a revote and recount.

Did God answer our prayer?

If at DTC our battle was against the noisy world, then at KPS is was a battle against the sleeping world. It was hard, no doubt, to wake up early for prayer. By the grace of God I did not return to sleep having been awoken by my handphone alarm!

In total 21 came over three days, representing various colleges, faculties, universities (Suit Lin’s friend June from UKM) and even continents (our African brother Evans)!

What Some Said

“It’s a good shift from the routing of saying ‘hi’ first and praying later.”

“It’s true we always tend to think of agendas first.”

“It was my first time sleeping early in many weeks.”

“…coming together in prayers and sharing God’s word—you don’t know gives me joy.”

Prayer so far seems to me a sort of turning of our backs on the rhythm of the world. But the passage in Matthew 6 suggests that prayer can also be at times a turning of our backs on the rhythm of the church. When Jesus called His disciples away, they were in the thick of ministry. Could it be that even in prayer meetings we might forget to pray (i.e. in the hesychastic rather than the shopping-list sense)?

Deeper

…And prayer is more
Than an order of words, the conscious occupation
Of the praying mind, or the sound of the voice praying.

~ T.S. Eliot, from ‘Little Gidding’

A question that has come to mind recently is that of how God can listen not just to millions of people praying at once, but possible thousands praying in different tongues. Just to take one example from my experience, Sunday prayer meetings at 3rd College have been like that, with half of us praying in Mandarin and the other half in English.

Surely then prayer is truly more than ‘an order of words’ as Eliot wrote. Again the hesychastic theme recurs; perhaps prayer is more than sharing and asking, and involves a whole lot of being in God’s presence and of resting in Him who created rest for us.

Challenge

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings…

~ Philippians 3:10 (NIV)

Pastor Henny Sim of SIBPJ asked last Sunday (7 Oct), “Beranikan kita berdoa, ‘Jika saya bersalah, hukumlah saya’? Tetapi melalui hukuman Tuhan kita akan mengenali-Nya.”

To ask that we may share in Christ’s sufferings is to ask to be punished for sin, isn’t it? For Christ suffered for our sins, so to share in His sufferings would mean to ask not just to share in His sufferings for our sins, but also to suffer for the sins of others.

Maybe I’m out on a theological limb here, but just follow me for awhile.

The Pharisees used to have over 600 Sabbath laws, if I remember correctly, and many Christians believe that the New Covenant inaugurated by Christ is an exhortation to obey not the letter of the law, but the spirit of the law. I think they are correct in saying that, but not always aware of what it means.

Christ doesn’t make it easier to obey God, but harder. For instance, do we really understand what it means to obey the spirit of the Sabbath? It’s harder than 600 laws, because the Spirit of God is infinite. At least with 600 laws there’s a limit to what you can’t do. But with the Spirit of God, He calls us to do all that we can do.

The law of the Pharisees was built upon the idea that God would judge based on the evil we do (or don’t do). True enough, for a law of precepts and rules can do only that. But Christ makes it clear that He will judge us also by the good that we fail to do (see Matthew 25:41-46).

So it is harder to obey the spirit of the law simply because we are refusing to be judged by a finite system, and choosing instead to be judged by an infinite God. Talk about jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire; if we cannot even meet the demands of the law, how can we possible survive before the living God?

Baby Steps

I first read Nouwen’s The Way of the Heart in Alor Star. It was one of the most remarkable journeys of my life so far, initiated by the simple fact that SooT couldn’t come for d’NA that year [Stage 3, 2005].

It was also the longest journey I’d ever undertaken (nearly 11 hours by train; I know that can’t match David’s overnighter at the airport!), and I learnt that sometimes the most remarkable transformations take place when the journey is long.

This is for the night I locked Shern Ren out of the room.

This is for the conversation with Tee Ming in the train’s buffet coach.

This is for the prayer on the Alor Star platform at dusk.

Two years down the road, who would’ve guessed that I would possibly be heading a unit/department in which I am nothing but a child?

Here I am, knowing next to nothing about prayer, but learning a little every day. Here I am, hoping to make a difference of some sort in the lives of PKVians and the students of UM at large.

I surrender all
My silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow
Costs me everything

I surrender all
My human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

~ chorus of Clay Crosse’s ‘I Surrender All’

God has been merciful. Indeed the potter has the right over the clay.

This song has always challenged me, and it always comes back whenever the prospect of building a ‘kingdom’ looms near. I think in my immediate context, letting my kingdoms fall and surrendering all would mean learning to let God lead prayer and, harder still, learning to lead others that we may together let God lead our prayer.

But the Potter knows what He’s doing, so I’ll trust Him.

I have to.

Remember me as we walk together.

Weary and Refreshed; Joyful and Hanging in There

2007-10-09T10:21:00.000+08:00

I am tired. Physically, I just ran at top speed for half a mile, chasing a Resident Assistant from my dorm, to give him a dripping-wet hug after playing in a fountain in the rain. (He wouldn't join the rest of us Barnabai and RAs.) Emotionally and mentally, I'm even more so. I've poured my heart and mind into Barnabas, into planning, organizing, and connecting. The constant awareness of that role and identity is challenging and exciting, but it can feel like such a heavy burden - though I was never supposed to bear the brunt of the load.

I was blessed with an amazingly refreshing weekend. God stepped in and gave me a break when I needed it - canceling a floor retreat and freeing up almost two days worth of time for me. And my mentor ordered me to rest. It was time spent in solitude, and time spent sharing my heart with some fellow Barnabas and with some close friends. And the ministry time I put in over that weekend - God sent people my way that (as Paul sometimes wrote in his letters) refreshed my heart.

Even with that rest, I find it hard to remain in that place of rest. I've been going through this day happy, joyful even. Smiling and telling people of how good God has been to me. Yet, even in the joy, I wonder if more weekends could be like the last, if I didn't have so much to do. And, I wonder what this Barnabas is going to do this week - how he is going to put in his fifteen plus hours, and how many of those hours will be effective, meaningful, hours. It is hard to give up control of that over to God.

And so, as I work on this thing called joy, as I learn to anticipate the day and week ahead in the light of God's goodness and faithfulness, I find myself vacillating often and wildly between peace and weariness. I've learned to leave behind much of my usual prolonged stress and worry. I still find it difficult to fill that with joy, laughter, and anticipation. I often find myself just hanging on, not sure how long more I can take this.

But God is good. He has not let me down. He has picked me up over and over again, and allowed me to experience some of the first-fruits of my service to Him. And, because of His love and faithfulness, I will continue my journey, I will seek Him out, I will look forward with insuppressible hope to His lavish banquet table.

And I will live in such a way that reflects that.

baby steps

2007-10-03T01:54:00.000+08:00

Let us say that the first of october was the start of my attempt to rebuild the spiritual disciplines which I used to hold quite strongly to.

The first discipline I am trying to build is that of patience, and a little self-forgiveness. Looking at the past two days, without patience I think I would have just given up and declared myself a failure. So far my room looks as if someone ransacked it (I really want to have a neat room). I had two essays due and had written all my research on pink 4 by 6 notecards. Now they are strewn all over the place. Just imagine someone of my organisational capability attempting to write the bibliography....i took almost the same amount of time to write my essay! Miraculously I have not lost my cool once. It is really God's grace that I didn't burst into tears when I found out yesterday, two hours before the deadline, that I had not met the formal requirements for my sociology essay.

This is what I would normally have felt like, under such, but instead, I was peaceful and calm. I would normally also feel very angry with myself, for being so absent-minded that I somehow missed reading the file on essay requirements.

I am glad. I would really like to have a great essay and good grades, etc. etc. But I also need sleep and a regular schedule (I am prone to getting depressed near the end of the year). Perhaps this patience and self-forgiveness thing is basically about surrendering my perfectionism. I know my essays could have been better. But I also know that I couldn't have made them better given the time I had and first-year blurness...and I only know it only from hindsight, anyway. Somehow in the past I always thought that if I knew how to do it better later then I should have done it like that. But mistakes are mistakes and regret does nothing.

So I am learning to be free, and I really thank God for the grace He's given me to live through this week.

Disciplines

2007-10-01T08:01:00.000+08:00

A friend recently said she wanted to enjoy her freedom in Christ. To her, it was freedom to do the things which she enjoyed even if they were not necessarily beneficial, such as going out to clubs. I had to accept that.

And I told her I wanted to find my footing in church again and that the new youth leader had challenged me to find an area of service (I have recently stepped down from cell leadership) if I didn't feel comfortable leading a cell anymore. At the start of this year I wanted to be free to do things I wanted to do, like sports and work and read. In the end I found that I may have been happy, but I didn't have joy in what I did. In fact most times I wasn't happy either. Now I know what I really want to do is serve God. My friend said she would have to accept that, that I was becoming more churchified.

Ah, unfortunately the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Can I get back on track? Now that I have a steady internet connection, will I be able to blog as a discipline?

The greater question, perhaps: is having a strict timetable truly impossible in university and does being disciplined mean becoming more rigid? No, I don't think so. I hope that I never become that whitewashed. Let's try to recap the fundamentals of spiritual discipline.

First, spiritual disciplines are not for the sake of themselves but in order to grow closer to God and realise the full extent of our freedom. So being disciplined is like being a sportsperson who trains hard for the game, and orders his or her lifestyle around that sport (diet, exercise, regular sleep, etc) so that he can realise his full potential when he's out on the court.

Disciplines are also not to be used to make oneself seem spiritually superior to others. Judging others and ourselves based on spiritual disciplines is the surest way to becoming an unbending and unhappy church server.

Gee, how do I do this? I don't know. But I will try to blog on the practical aspects of my progress. Blogging about it is a discipline too. heheh.

Musings: When death has a meaning

2007-10-01T07:15:00.000+08:00

Isaiah 57:1-2

The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.

In our moment of grief it is difficult to see how even death can be a blessing--at least for the one departed. How long would you want to live in a world full of trials? I think I would want to live long enough to understand what faith means.

Short-changing God

2007-09-28T23:20:00.000+08:00

my friends, i've been wanting to write to all of you... life here... i keep struggling. my elder tell me, "Rest in God." i just need to rest in Him and all will be well. and i guess this is what Sabbath is all about-- a day of rest given by Daddy for us to rest and allow Him to be the focus in our lives.

i haven't been studying much due to heavy involvement in my uni moon cake festival. i enjoyed myself much but put aside some 15 lectures. went for CF on wed night and church this whole morning. finally, out of tiredness, i was tempted to skip CF and church to study and to sleep. today is meant to be my Sabbath day, but i was tempted to study, to depend on my own understanding to pur more effort into my studies. everybody else is studying. i haven't been.

it has been difficult for me to strike a balance between studies and God. there's CF, church, then there're activities and sports and spending time with people. i seek to be a blessing to others here. i want to give people what Daddy has given me-- the love, comfort, family, wealth... but in all these, time is needed. do i serve in CF or church or lead bible study or spend time with people to tell them about God's love or sit in my room and study God's Word or join activities to represent God's people?

my friends, i long so much to share God's love. i want people to know that there's a God who loves them. even some Christian don't know that... but there's too much to do. people say, "set priorities." but i don't even know what my priorities are. i need Daddy to speak to me. what does He want me to do for Him?

Musings: a witness to pain

2007-09-28T01:32:00.000+08:00

Do you have the courage to admit that you feel life is meaningless and empty? Do you have the humility to admit it to someone who you know might just give you the stock answer about God? Or when the person facing meaninglessness is your friend, do you have the courage to maintain a presence with them? Not to speak of the God of all comfort, but just to be? To be a comfort, to be a person who acknowledges pain, even if you don't feel if yourself--to be a witness to it because in doing that I suppose you bear witness to your friend's life? Like Victor Klemperer who wrote about the Nazi years in his diaries, a collection now called "I Will Bear Witness." That's witnessing. It's not just talking about Jesus. It's about being a witness to the pain.

note: Musings presents alternative views of the alternative life. Not everything should be taken literally, e.g I obviously don't mean that we don't talk about God at all when witnessing.

Where I'm at with Barney

2007-09-01T22:06:00.000+08:00

Luke 10:41-42(a) (New International Version)

41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed.

2007-08-31T20:41:00.000+08:00

it has been such a long time since i last posted something here. here in kelantan, there are many opportunities to share God's love. some are resistent, some just come along. some just wanna go against us... i pray that i will use this 5 years to the fullest and make an impact on the people in this uni. living here, people really observed every step you take and every move you make. i've come to understand more about how when one of God's children goes somewhere, those around will be blessed as well. because we have God in us.

yet i struggle: medical studies are so tough that it leaves little time even to rest. how much time to invest in God's Word and His work then? how to balance between the role as a medical student and an ambassador of Christ in this campus? surely i cannot be an irresponsible doctor with insfficient knowledge, nor can i spend less time to build up my relationship with God and be a blessing to both Christians and non-Christians. i desire to see my freinds grow in Christ and come to acknowledge Him as their Lord and Saviour. am i wasting time? there are only 5 short years. Daddy, what do you want me to do for You? where and how to start? i don't want to waste time anymore. grant me a vision and a mission...

i pray that i will be faithful to His calling and not easily get discouraged. that i will persevere on no matter what... that i will be single-minded as when Christ walked this earth. i just need to know how to juggle between the two responsibilities...

Chapel in the Faculty

2007-08-30T11:41:00.000+08:00

The Wednesday Science Faculty Care Group (CG) met at DK3 (Dewan Kuliah--Lecture Hall--3) yesterday.

I have lectures for two subjects there (Life Processes and Biology of Organisms), but it was only yesterday that it struck me that DK3 looks very much like a chapel. If you observe the picture above, the lectern could be the pulpit, and the long table the altar. The overhead projector can be used to display song lyrics.

The seats are technically long benches made of wood, and there's a very pew-like feel about it. Also the cushioned backrests and made of that very same material as the kneeling 'platforms' (I don't know what they're called!).

Oh well, the wonders of imagination.

In discussing the Lord's Prayer during CG, I realised that Satan doesn't obscure knowledge from us as much as he attempts to prevent us from putting that knowledge into practice. And then comes the thinking that the knowledge is sufficient. And then comes the pride and laziness and complacency.

Meeting up for prayer last night, in conjunction with World Students' Week, was good.

I need to pray more. I need to learn to lock myself up in a room and throw everything aside. I need to get up earlier in the morning and pray when all else is still.

I need to be still.

O Lord, help me to be still and wait upon you. In my busy, busy life, help me to be still.

Seeds

2007-08-16T11:39:00.000+08:00

Something I wrote on Tuesday. Reproduced below with some edits (none to the content, only sentence structure etc).

* * * * *

Before leaving for 4th College on Monday 13 August [for PKV Junior Visitation], I was talking with How and Chee Seong [CS] about being politically radical and being bold to stand up for what we believe in. Many things, from running independent to Malaysian political system (and how UM politics deviates from it) and a little about CZ [name acronym-ed to protect confidentiality].

Chee Seong (and perhaps Yean Khinn) recently remarked that he seldom sees me study. How thinks I'm a very 'calm & cool' guy. And yesterday, they expressed surprise at my busyness with so many things. CS asked if I can cope.

And then, at one point, perhaps with more insight than I realised, I said I am planting the seeds early, before I get caught up in the momentum of busyness and the whole humdrum uni life routine.

Today while walking back to college after picking my umbrella up from Ann Jie [I'd left it in 9th College the night before], I thought about it again. And I realised a few things:

i) Mercifully, there are five years of secondary school, so although I started [being active] late I could still lay claim to being quite active.

ii) Mercifully, Miss Shanti was my Form 2 class teacher.

iii) Mercifully, she threw me into the deep end: early seeds of present counter-culture attitude.

[I say mercifully, because I wouldn't be where I am if not for all of this. "I nearly didn't miss the train..."]

And in Form 6, I wasn't going to sit still like I did in Form 1 and Form 2. Well, not that I was very still in Form 2, given Scrabble and GK [General Knowledge] quizzes which I used to 'host' in class, thus drawing Miss Shanti's attention, but still...

So now, here in UM, it's only three years. Only twice as long as Form 6. And so, so much that can be done. I'm planting seeds now because next year it will be too late. And studies? Truly I have never stopped studying, and my desire to expand my mind has never waned.

As I asked How and CS, "What do we want our time here to be worth? When we leave, will the void left by How or CS or Ben be felt?"

Well, maybe to seek earthly recognition is not quite right, but you get the idea. So I'm sowing, in hope of a harvest worth the effort and borne by grace.

(Computer 77 at the Science Computer Lab is pretty good! Only downside is that it opens picture files in Adobe ImageReady CS2 and this takes time to start up.)

Discipleship - The Continuous Spritiual Disciplines

2007-07-31T19:37:00.001+08:00

A recent conversation with another member of this blog got me thinking again about the approach we take toward discipleship and holy living. In the conversation, I said something to the effect that "everything that takes place in life needs to point us back toward God." That can only happen - and it will necessarily happen - when we see all of life through the lenses of discipleship.

In the Bible, we are called to "pray unceasingly." In the book The Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence writes about living all of life as service unto God. How can this be? We often think that to practice the spiritual disciplines, we need to block time out of "regular" life and devote time and energy toward pursuing these disciplines. That is true of many disciplines, particularly devotion, study, meditation, prayer, silence, fasting...However, all of life can be turned into discipline too.

An 18 hour layover in an airport becomes a silent retreat. Work and study become exercises in faithfulness and joy. The annoying co-worker or classmate presents an opportunity to grow in love and patience. Friendships offer the chance to place others above self. And as we are conscious of using our routine, mundane experiences to grow in our relationship and obedience toward God, we become more aware of the faults we have and of the habitual sins we need to repent of. We also find that the boring things in life develop meaning and purpose. We find that God is interested in the details of our lives we so often dismiss as unimportant.

All of life is discipleship, every activity in life a spiritual discipline.

mostly about not worrying

2007-07-19T11:07:00.000+08:00

I have seen how the Africans worship and I like the style.

At that time Jesus said, I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and the intelligent and have revealed them to infants...

--Matthew 11:25-27

Today's Sacred Gateway reading and a conversation with a 2nd-year senior this morning seem to be saying the same thing to me: don't worry, just enjoy uni.

Beverly (an Economics student at my college) is one of the brightest students in her faculty and a banana like me (whee!). Although she says she ought not to be called a banana, as she's very Chinese (i.e. not white), only that she doesn't speak or write Chinese.

Anyway, she took on a whole spread of activities and projects in her first year and still made it to the Dean's List. Talking to her reminds me of myself back in my schooldays. I suppose I've been hanging out with the wrong seniors; most sound like doomsday preachers (OK, maybe that was a little exaggerated, but the idea remains).

And here God has hidden the things of the kingdom from the wise and intelligent and has revealed them to infants. So I am certain it is not fear that will carry me through this year, but the joy of the Lord.

Why should this year be any different from the last fourteen years of my life?

"Let my heart become one with yours."

Thus the daily prayers at Sacred Gateway begin.

"Teach me to have a childlike trust in you."

And thus they end.

Let my heart become one with yours.
Let my heart become one with yours.
Let my heart become one with yours.

(I can already hear an African rhythm for this line!)

Amen.

single-minded devotion

2007-07-16T11:27:00.000+08:00

Today on Sacred Gateway, the reading is the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). What stood out today were the opening and closing lines of the parable.

The lawyer asked, "Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

Jesus replied, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbour as yourself."

And then there are the closing words of Jesus, "Go and do likewise."

I have begun reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship. I suppose in a way, it took me some three-and-a-half years to progress from being in the Bonhoeffer group at d'NA to actually picking up a book by the man himself.

Some of you may know that discipleship is a theme that tends to appear quite frequently on my blog. Well, at least more frequently than other themes.

And I find myself wondering, can we reach a point where Jesus is all that matters? UM was an unexpected turn of events. I'd always wanted to go as far as I could and explore something totally new. Yet here I find myself in the midst of the very familiar, and yet also, I believe this is where I am meant to be for now.

There's a song that speaks of rest, of devotion, of encouragement. Which is what I badly need now, having the flu and trying to cope with the early stages of uni life.

Times of refreshing
Here in Your presence
No greater blessing
Than being with You

My soul is restored
My mind is renewed
There's no greater joy Lord
Than being with You

Is there no greater joy than being with our Lord? Sometimes I think I am in UM in order to learn devotion. At times I believe it would be easier for me to seek God in a foreign land and build a new life there.

Maybe that's where the word 'refreshing' comes in. There is nothing particularly 'new' about UM and this environment; yet in the familiar I must seek what I had always been avoiding. Can I refresh my life here? Build a new character?

Eliot's words, "And what you know is what you do not know."

With all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength, and with all my mind.

Random one coming up...

David at KLCC, prior to Yen's birthday lunch.

As you go...

2007-07-13T09:40:00.000+08:00

From today's Sacred Gateway reading:

As you go, proclaim the good news. The kingdom of heaven has come near. Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons. You received without payment; give without payment. Take no gold, or silver, or copper in your belts, no bag for your journey, or two tunics, or sandals, or a staff; for labourers deserve their food.

--Matthew 10:7-10

When I think of the first line, I imagine someone wearing a strong perfume which diffuses into the air as he/she walks by. As you go, let the good news emanate from who you are.

The kingdom of heaven has come near.

You know, I really don't know how to reflect on this, sitting in the Computer Lab at the Institute of Biological Sciences, UM.

Somehow in this shift to uni life, God has become both distant and near. I find myself cut off from the so-called Christian support I had back at home (books, family, friends etc.) but yet I find this place more conducive to a disciplined life.

It is also a simpler, less cluttered life. Alissa might say this is partly due to the fact that I don't have my SLR with me. Which might be true.

My other half is across the South China Sea, and that has also exerted its influence on my present life.

As you go...

I'm going. Going? Gone.

His kingdom is here.

Rethinking the Victorious Christian Life

2007-07-10T22:28:00.000+08:00

The title sounds almost sacrilegious, doesn’t it? The Christian life is supposed to be a life of victory, isn’t it? Aren’t we supposed to have faith in the promises that have been given to us in the Bible? Aren’t we supposed to be overcomers? What is there for a good, faithful Christian to rethink?

Quite a bit, actually. As I see many of my peers becoming disillusioned with our faith – some leaving it, others simply losing interest in pursuing it whole-heartedly – I wonder if it is not in part because the church has promised victories that God did not quite guarantee.

One extreme is the health-and-wealth gospel, the idea that no good Christian should fall ill, that a lack of healing is an indication of a lack of faith, that all who tithe faithfully are guaranteed a return on their eternal investment while in this life (which doesn’t quite make sense, if you think about it – there’s a reason it’s eternal). For most of us who call ourselves Christians in this part of the world, I don’t think we preach such a gospel.

We may, however, make more subtle errors.

In YF’s and CF’s, the message of Christianity is very upbeat and positive. We are told that God has a plan for our lives. We are told of the joy and freedom we have in Christ. We are told of the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us to overcome sin. Someone give me a Hallelujah! Someone give me an Amen! Cause it is true! It is all true!

…only, it is not quite the whole story. In the Christian youth culture, the flip side is (unintentionally, I believe) rather understated. We forget to preach about how long it took for God’s plans to make sense for some people. (And, anyone ever wondered about those Israelites who died in Egypt before Moses led the Exodus?) We forget to talk about Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, or Job, who said “The LORD gives and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” We fail to understand that the Christian life does not promise a set of continuous victories over sin in our lives - not that God couldn’t accomplish that, but looking at most of us, the changing process is full of ups and downs and takes all our lives. We have faith for a few weeks or months, and then we start getting impatient and wonder when God is going to show up.

Even those of us who understand this cognitively, we struggle when we experience it.

And I think that this is one reason why many waver in their faith as they transit from youth into adulthood and realize that life is complicated. The (temporary though seemingly long) incoherence of the life we experience doesn’t match up with the coherence of life Christianity is supposed to promise.

You see, we are victorious. But we are not victorious in every way now. And we expect more than has been promised us on this side of life.

And, ironically, we also expect less.

I don’t think we can fully appreciate the amazingness of the victorious Christian life until we understand the ways in which we are not necessarily victorious.

We can be victorious in all circumstances, even if we are victorious over no circumstance. We can be joyful and thankful always. We can pray always. We can trust and have faith in God always. We can be obedient always. We can love always. And we can do this, by the power and grace of God, regardless of whether life makes coherent sense.

These qualities – they are easy (easier at least) to practice when we are victorious over our circumstances. When we are in control. When we can change the outcome of the things going on around us. It may seem really unfair that we are expected to do the same when life is a mess.

Or, we can marvel at the fact that God has given us the ability to do the same, even when life is a mess. Such is a greatness and sufficiency of our God! Such is the quality of the victory we are promised! (And, we may yet see victory over our circumstances, if it is God’s good will and timing)

A final thought: I read somewhere that wisdom is not understanding the full plan of God for our lives. We keep searching and trying to pry and understand, mostly in vain. Wisdom is knowing how to respond in whichever part of God’s plan for our lives we find ourselves in. (This may be something we are a little less enthusiastic in searching for) True victory can be found in following true wisdom.

A final caveat: I don’t mean to swing to the opposite extreme and suggest a small God, or that the Christian life is nothing more than slogging and suffering and merely surviving. Significant and visible victories are to be expected in our Christian walk. I do think we often forget that the true measure of victory is not to be found in what is visible, or even how we feel, but in the measure of our dogged faithfulness to the truth in God’s Word (the doubts that assail our minds and the fluctuations of our emotions not withstanding) and our obedience to it.

Faith

2007-06-10T15:17:00.001+08:00

Some meditations of faith, drawn largely from Hebrews 11, from one who is pondering and struggling with what faith is supposed to mean in his life, and why the Christian life isn’t always all some people make it out to be.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see…And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

Hebrews 11: 1, 6 – NIV

Hebrews 11 is an amazing exposition on faith with example upon example of people of faith in the Old Testament interspersed by concrete statements about what faith is. It is a passage that feels as if it should be set to poetry or music – such is the depth and power of its message. It is also a passage that, upon careful reading, is not merely inspirational but a massive reality check.

Faith is often presented as some towering emotional certainty and belief that overcomes all odds in the face of imminent danger or an overpowering obstacle. It has some magical quality to it that causes us to wonder if “the rest of us” can posses it in any great degree. Yet, faith in this passage is not linked with miraculous success and victory. Rather, in verse 39 the passage states that “none of them received what had been promised!”

Indeed, when we think of the many prophets in the Old Testament who lived by faith and preached by faith and died by faith because of their faith, we would dismiss many of them as failures today! Their preaching failed to change the nation of Israel and turn their people back to God. Instead, their audience hardened their hearts and pursued idolatry. If a pastor had such results in his church, many Christians would be quick to question his faith and his calling to his ministry. If we read the Old Testament closely, we will find that the prophets often questioned their own faith and ministry. Yet, from the experience of these prophets, who were vindicated by God it is clear that faith is no guarantee of “victory” over our external circumstances if we define victory as tangible, measurable success.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Faith in God is being sure of what we hope for in God’s promises and certain of God’s truth whether or not we see it in “reality.” We should not make the mistake of having faith in faith! If the list of people in Hebrews 11 had that kind of faith, it would not have lasted. They lived for long stretches of time without seeing any results from their faith, and died without the full and final vindication of their lives of faith. We see clearly the results, but they could not and did not. Should we then expect to see the results of our faith, except through eyes of faith?

Unless we are certain that God’s Word is true, we cannot persevere. It is difficult to have faith at the moment of some great test, when much is at stake. It is perhaps even more difficult to have faith when life is meandering, when little or nothing seems to be at stake. Abraham’s act of faith in leaving Ur was monumental, and we all remember that. His faith in continuing to journey for months, even years, is something we often forget. Not to mention the number of years he had to wait for the promise of a child to be fulfilled! In that time, he doubted, even tried to bring about God’s promises through his initiative, yet in all his doubt and confusion, he continued to have faith that God would do what he had promised.

What then is faith? It is a belief in God and His promises that enables us to live according to his Word, to lay down our lives, take up our crosses, and follow Him. Faith is not to be measured in our successes our through monumental events, but in how we follow after God every day, regardless of how little seems to be going on. By that measure, how much faith do I have? And yet, we are not called to have great faith, but to act on the little faith we do have. For even a mustard seed shall grow.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Wanted: Single-minded Disciple

2007-06-07T11:36:00.000+08:00

I subconsciously assume this blog is for expressing some blinding spiritual insight, I think, which is why I do not write so often. Or maybe I am just lazy. Or perhaps I am fearful of examining the depths of my life, or of revealing my spiritual struggles. Maybe I am too far from God and too close to materialism to actually have anything to say about my spiritual life. Perhaps it is all these things in various degrees of severity.

Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong in life. So many things I invested my time and effort in do not seem to have borne any fruit at all...at least, nothing that is visible. On one hand, sometimes you just don't get to see what happens to the people you have tried to encourage in their walk with God. You just trust them to God. On the other hand, just seeing them grow a little more in the faith is something to thank God for and an encouragement to my faith. I would be at peace, I suppose, if I was sure that I had done my best. But I look back and I realise that I have spent so much of my time in double-mindedness, unsure whether to pursue success in academics and the rest of the world, or whether to pursue God and make His will my own.

From reading Acts, I realise that for the disciples, the evangelists, the martyrs, there came a time when they had to give up everything and not look back. They could not afford to. They could get discouraged and lonely, but they could not say something like, "It would be better if I had not given up my home and my right to choose my own job." Disciples carry their cross. They put their hand to the plough. They don't look back. For many of the disciples, I suppose the moment came either when they witness the resurrection or on the Day of Pentecost. Does that moment exist for me? Something like an Aldersgate for Wesley, or Luther's realisation of what Romans 1:16-17 meant. Is there a moment like that for our generation? For our nation? There have been many moments, but they didn't go beyond the experience itself. I hunger not just for a spiritual experience, but a spiritual life. Do I know what that will cost me? Am I willing to pay it? Lord, help me count the cost.

just to inform

2007-05-27T02:22:00.000+08:00

ben's grandfather passed away on the night of 25th of may 2007, friday.

Hearing again... a little at least

2007-04-30T14:03:00.000+08:00

You know you've been out of the Blogosphere when you didn't even realise Keat Lim has started blogging.

A little over a year since Akouo started, I wonder if I'm finally deaf enough to hear; if it's quiet enough for sound. It just dawned upon me that 'hearing' implies 'silence', or a higher level of discourse; a different frequency, so to speak.

2007-04-30T10:44:00.000+08:00

i put Him at a corner of my life for a year and when i returned, He let me wait. i gave up and told Him that i wasn't bothered to get close to Him anymore. i told Him that i would just go about my regular routine of going to church and serving there as a committee member and reading my Bible and praying -- i'll do all the "doing" but wouldn't be bothered about the "being." i mean, it's quite easy to cover up, already having the reputation of being a spiritually matured person. if He were to speak to me, then good. otherwise, too bad...

a friend and i have been meeting about 4 times a week for the past month to pray for our Youth Fellowship. we prayed with expectancy that YF would grow. subtly, God spoke to me. i didn't even know that He was speaking until i talked to another friend. all that i can say is that He was gracious.

it has been quite tough to support myself in my spiritual life. after a batch of seniors in YF left about a year ago, i felt quite alone in this spiritual journey. nobody in YF was walking alongside me. i have been slacking. some of my principles, i no longer hold on to. part of me feels hypocritical. but everybody doing it anyway. i get rebuked for the things i was never rebuked for. lots of rebellion.

still loving Him, ming

I Pick Up The Pen Again

2007-04-27T18:49:00.000+08:00

So much for blogging once a week. I have been staying away from blogs and writing. I’ve spent much of the past two years running away from my writing. Now that I know I am definitely majoring in humanities, I suppose I should stop all this silly self-denial.

I have rarely ventured out into the deep in my spiritual life. It’s as if I have spent most of my life wading in the shallows where I can see and feel the bottom. I want to stay in the place where I know God is a ‘safe’ God, a God who does not have extraordinary things in mind for me. There was a time when I wanted to do great things (though I never really had a clear idea what I would do), but now all I want is to get through the day without having to yell at students. I teach English on weekdays and SAT tuition on Saturdays, and I teach the Bible on Sundays. I’m really tired of teaching. And that’s a sign that I need to get back to why I’m doing all this in the first place. The best times are the times when I know I have come to the end of my strength, when I feel as if I will burst into tears if I have to yell “stop talking!” one more time. Because that’s when I let God step in.

It’s been hard, living away from home, carving a life for myself from the age of sixteen. In all this I have learnt that God’s grace is abounding. No matter how many times I run away, feeling small, shattered and weak, He’s always gently led me back. Even now I feel the gentle insistence of the Holy Spirit, urging me to take with faith the path I’ve always known I should take: to write. With great reluctance, I pick up my pen again.

Whence Shall These Struggles End?

2007-03-27T09:42:00.000+08:00

I applied for and received the Barnabas position in my college, a position of Christan mentoring in the dorm that I will be assigned. It was the day after I was accepted onto the Barnabas team that an article my Barnabas from last school year was published in the editorial section of my college newspaper.

It was an article in defense of gay civil unions.

It was a well-written article, one that was the product of much thought and consideration. It was written in a conciliatory manner, not the usual antagonistic tone I have seen in other such writings. But, beyond that, he is a dear friend, one of the most humble, generous, honest, and open people I know. It was after much prayer, counsel, and research that he has taken this stand. It is not set in stone, and he admits the real possibility of being wrong, but it also paves the way for the lifestyle he has now chosen to lead.

And, it is this that has made me realize again: no matter how good a person I am, I am going to be horribly wrong and fall horribly short in many areas of my life. If he is right, I am terribly wrong; if such a person as he is wrong, how can I dare claim to be right about everything else? The very best that the Church has to offer are so very flawed.

I write this at a time when you, my fellow bloggers, as well as others have shared your personal struggles. I have mine too. I am currently working through thoughts about the Bible and how it should be read and interpreted in the light of new ideas that have been presented in my theology class at Calvin College, ideas that I would normally dismiss as being overly liberal and without good theological and scriptural justification, except that they come from sincere Christians who are more learned than I am. On a more mundane level, I recognize daily a great deal of self-centeredness that masquerades as hard-workingness, studiousness, or being disciplined, a self-absorption that gets in the way of loving God and loving others. And, that is just one of many frustrations I have in my spiritual journey. If I started to list them all, I would become so depressed that I would have to tender my resignation as Barnabas.

And yet, when I look back on my spiritual journey, where I have been and where I have come, I say: God has been good to me. And I trust He will continue to be good to me. His grace, how amazing it is! It is this hope alone that allows me to keep my faith, let alone grow in it or seek to serve. The very fact that I recognize my condition and feel frustrated is a sign of His grace: every time I feel I have grown or overcome, I see a deeper layer of deceit and pride within myself; and yet, I also see a greater potential to be the person God desires me to be. His work of sanctification is painful and lengthy. "How long more must I wait?" I ask. And yet, I have His promise that His work, though it may seem slow, will ultimately reach fullness.

I wish I could speak to your struggles and give you answers (and, candidly, I wish it more for my benefit than yours - another symptom of my pride and desire to be self-sufficient). That would give me so much more confidence as I prepare to become a Barnabas leader in this next school year. To be able to solve the problems that others present me...to say nothing of solving my own problems...but that is not the way it is. But this I know: God has chosen the weak to shame the strong, the foolish to shame the wise. My goodness is not a precondition of God's willingness to use me or you as His instrument of blessing. On the flip side, my being used does not make me any better than I was before, nor does it guarantee my continued "good standing."

I look forward to returning to you soon. I believe we have much to share, if we are willing and ready. There is much we can learn from each others struggles, and I trust there will be victories we can celebrate too. In the meantime, Godspeed on each of your spiritual journeys, however slow-going or meandering they may be. Hold on to hope, for we have a gracious God.

2007-03-15T14:24:00.000+08:00

I think I owe this blog at least five posts...I'm lagging a little in this discipline of mine.

What I want most of all is to love and to be loved without fear. To be unafraid, to trust completely and unquestioningly in God's goodness; or, even if I question, to be able to have it out squarely with Him, not necessarily demanding an answer to the pain as in Job, but trusting that by the end of my complaint I will be forced to acknowledged the immutable conclusion that God is good and that He loves us perfectly as in many of the Psalms. Every year there is some new agony to face, as if I am addicted to pain and misery. I am not at that place now, but it usually comes around midyear or later.

The uppermost question used to be "Why?" In my most lucid moments I knew it was about pride and going through the refiner's fire and all sorts of things. In my most spiritual moments I realise I will not know until the last trumpet sounds. In moments of despondency I decided that it was some sort of punishment meted out by a God uneven in justice...but somehow thought I deserved it at the same time. Through the darkest moments of wretched thought, sometimes all that kept me going was the thought that God is good...no matter what I face. It didn't make me happy, and it didn't resolve the issue immediately. If anything, I was more unhappy realising that God's goodness never changed even through the pain. But the difference this conviction made was this: it gave me the strength to claim my life for Christ again, to rebuke the false thoughts and doubts and make decisions in spite of what I felt.

And so now I am on the beach, strolling with Christ, enjoying the respite until the Valley of the Shadow of Death comes again, whatever form it may take this year. Perhaps it will not (I always live in the hope that I will have one year with no major episode of sadness). But this is my life and I have accepted it. I do not need to fear.

When I ask "Why?" I suppose the implied question is also "Why me out of all others?" This blog helps me see that we are all singled out in God's purpose, each with our own road to walk, or in Henri Nouwen's metaphor, with our own cup to drink. I see my life travelling in cycles, but they are redemptive cycles, not destructive cycles. Each year seems to have more pain and fear than the last, but each year I also grow deeper into a life that is free of that. For some of us, the cycles may span more than a year...or there might not be a cycle at all, just a long meandering journey with surprises (whether nasty or nice) around each bend.

A year of hearing?

2007-03-04T22:45:00.001+08:00

Akouo has been up for about a year and two days. Although it depends if you count the initial e-mail conversation leading up to it, in which case Akouo has existed for longer than that.

I find that at this juncture of my life, I must remember not to play the blame game, although I think, in many cases, that I am far more likely than others to put the blame for any mishap on myself. Again, this is speculation and something I must be careful not to take too seriously.

But whether or not I am prone to blaming others is not the main point. The thing is, blaming anyone--whether myself or another--inevitably shifts God out of the picture, or at least into the sidelines. I must remember the lessons of John 9 (that God may be glorified through the man's blindness) and Joseph (that God may use for good, that which is meant for evil).

Ours is the God of inextinguishable purpose, who is there in the darkest of days. I think Eugene Peterson rendered it well when he set the final words of Ezekiel in large font, in The Message;

YAHWEH SHAMMAH (the LORD is there)

Akouo means 'to hear' and at the top of this page its implications are noted:

1. to attend to, consider what is or has been said
2. to understand, perceive the sense of what is said

Sometimes it would seem that God's apparent silence is due to our deliberate deafness.

Practising for this coming weekend's trip to Malacca, and watching the musicians come in slowly to fill the empty spaces during the parents' worship rehearsal, I began to see life as a jam session.

And there are two senses of hearing while jamming. One is to hear for emptiness, and find a way to fill it, to layer the music so the overall effect is complete.

The other is to hear the correct sound. To hear the band leader over the drum, no matter how driving the beat may be. To hear the lead guitar, even if it's only an acoustic played over several electric guitars.

Thankfully life is a jam session, where mistakes are not the end of all things. But also, there is a goal and that goal is perfection, just as a band practises to play flawlessly. And as with a jam session, there is a concert coming up, and the time to get ready is limited.

Akouo.

Into a year of deeper, more perceptive hearing. Here we go.

Things to remember at CNY

2007-02-18T22:47:00.001+08:00

"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

--Joshua 1:6-9 (NIV)

This morning, in line with the Chinese New Year, Pastor Kuan Ming spoke on 'God's Way to Success and Prosperity'; his text was taken from Joshua 1:1-9.

I was at first somewhat alarmed when I heard the words 'success' and 'prosperity' because I'm quite aware of the much famed and derided Prosperity Gospel. Not that I know exactly what it's about, but basically it comes across to me as something that sounds like a motivational session with Anthony Robbins: Awaken the Giant Within!!!

But Pastor Kuan Ming's message was nothing like that. And when I read the passage, I noticed that the words 'prosperity' and 'success' appear in the very Word of God. I read it in the NASB version in church, and I've quoted the NIV translation above.

How are we to be successful and prosperous? By obeying God's law and meditating on His Word at all times. That simple. And that hard.

Three times God says: be strong and courageous. And the third time, God promises to be with us wherever we go.

Then Pastor Kuan Ming mentioned the well-known encounter between Joshua and the Captain of the Lord's Army.

Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, "Are you for us or for our enemies?"

"Neither," he replied, "but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come." Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, "What message does my Lord have for his servant?"

--josh 5:13-14 (NIV)

He said, we don't recruit the Captain of the Lord's Army; He recruits us.

I'm just mentioning all this because I think I need to be reminded of these things from time to time.

To be reminded that success and prosperity are Biblical.

That God's Word is central.

That God's law must be obeyed.

That God will be with me, and because of that I can be strong and courageous.

That God is my Master, not the other way around.

Remember.

Back on Track

2007-02-16T07:10:00.000+08:00

This blog had just begun gathering steam, being updated several times a week, when technical difficulties brought it to a complete halt. No posts. No comments. No way of moving forward. Though technical issues remain, it is back on track.

The Bible study group I belong too - it stopped toward the end of the last semester, and several key members were away over Interim. Tonight, three weeks into the second semester, we are meeting to discuss time, topic, and reevaluate the purpose of our Bible study. It should be back on track.

My accountability group had a difficult time coordinating a time for all of us to meet due to our new schedules this spring semester. We finally met up last Monday. I think we are back on track.

Dorm Prayer has had major fluctuations in attendance. We have twelve people, and then we have two. I hope we get on track.

My devotional life, prayer life, and other disciplines - I practice them regularly, but my heart is in them only so often. I get tired, distracted, and hurried. I struggle to be obedient to God, to do what I know I ought and to avoid what I know I must. I try to view my day, my activities, my friendships, and my time in the light of who He is and not in the light of how I am. I often fail. I wish I knew how to stay on track.

I recall being CF President back in school. During our committee meetings, the discussion would invariably wander way off topic. We knew each other too well, and we had way too much fun. My voice was the voice of reason. I knew what we had to decide each meeting, and what could afford to wait. Always, I had the agenda in my mind, and when we strayed too far, I would sound the oft repeated call: "Focus, people, focus!" To this day, I just need to whipser the word "focus" with that group of people, and we laugh over old times, about how I kept us on track.

How much precious time is lost when we get off track. I am impatient to grow, to mature. I want to be making constant, or at least consistent, progress. I do not want to live with any sin a minute longer than I have too. And yet, I cannot keep focus. And then I find myself off track.

And then. I. Beat. Myself. Up.

Not that it gets me back on track any faster - it slows me down actually. Not that it makes me feel any better, except in some twisted way. You know what I speak of. I tell myself that as a follower of Christ, I have recieved the Holy Spirit and have thus been empowered to...

...to what? Be perfect? Be infailable? Be free from all personal struggles? Not to make light of failure in the Christian walk, not to make light of sin, but at what point did I decide that I was never going to go off track anymore? If that is possible, someone forgot to give me the memo.

I have been empowered to grow. To keep continuing. To get back on track, even if I have to do it seventy-seven times a day. It is a meandering course I take, but God does not seem as interested in the shortest distance between two points as He is in persistance in pursuing Him. So, I get back on track, and try to focus just a little bit longer this time.

And, who knows. Maybe someday He will even call me a man after His own heart.

Testing

2007-02-16T00:32:00.000+08:00

Testing One Two

Slow to give praise

2007-02-06T19:10:00.000+08:00

have been wanting to post this up for a week but couldn't due to busyness.

i'm not in the desert anymore. not that i'm totally near God but He's here and He hears. i finally managed to sit in silence for an hour in bed on sunday. on monday, i read about 8 chapters of Genesis. i felt satisfaction in these. now, i continue to try keeping up this discipline. i don't want to feel that dryness and lostness again. it hurts.

thanks for keeping me in prayer...

warkah kepada Allah

2007-02-06T10:35:00.000+08:00

I've decided after reading Tee Ming's latest post that I will make public a "protected post" from my Xanga. It reflects my spiritual struggles, which still continue, with varying intensity (most days I don't even think about it, and apathy surely cannot be intensity). If this is a "dark night of the soul" as described by St. John of the Cross, it has not abated for one and a half years. Devotion has run dry, and various other ideologies present themselves as alternatives. But we have to blunder onward... in hope that the Light will come.

---

Dear Lord,

It seems so long since we last conversed. I guess I have been giving you the cold shoulder for the past month or so, but prior to this we've already had a major communication breakdown that has benefitted neither of us. Today while reading Susan Tang's book "Spiritual Intimacy" I realised the main problem. I have stopped confiding in you due to lack of trust. And I've not been real in the prayers that I have said - mainly intercession for others while doubting all the time whether any change or impact is possible at all.

My unilateral "Cold War" I wish to end. I will be brutally honest, because you reward such straightforwardness, as seen in the Psalms and even the Prophets. One year and 4 months later, I'm still disappointed deep down inside that you had to strike me with a lifelong condition when I felt closest to you. This condition has scarred our relationship by turning it into a roller coaster ride through Heaven and Hades. Though I had my most intimate moments during my times of sickness, it is this that has caused me to question whether any of it was real at all. Perhaps it was just the madness, the mercurial fluctuations that left me with both euphoric experiences and brutal bouts of bottomless descents into sorrow. How could I be sure that all the grandiose visions were really from you and not some internal source of sanitylessness?

I've learned to appreciate where I am, yes. I no longer yearn so badly for that American education that was taken away from me in moments of tremendous anguish. However, I have come to doubt your goodness. Richard Garnett said that love is your essence, and power mainly your attribute. How can this be? A powerless God is not god at all. A God without love, however, is simply a god of malevolence, but yet still a god. You say you love me as your son, and I wish to believe it, but it is just so bloody hard to do so!

As time passes, I find that some of those closest to me who have been bulwarks of support when my faith has been challenged are now themselves turning into liberals (heterodoxists?) or questioners.Why shake us up this way, Lord? Even as we dabble in Spongian seperation of "acceptable" doctrine from the "irrational" (to "modern" minds, at least), are we walking away from you? Is our salvation dependent on how accurate our theology is? Are unconventional beliefs pathways to eternal damnation, guided personally by the Great Deceiver and his minions? Help, God! Must we go through these fires of temptation to compromise, sanitize and/or rationalize to emerge on the other side purified of dross? I fear that we might be swallowed up by the fire and perish in the flames of sin! Come to our aid, O Lord! Help us resist the Evil One, as we pray the prayer you taught us, among many others.

My offence today is rank, and its stench rises up to you. A very minor infraction, some might say, but nevertheless a dangerous sign of relapse into recidivism. Of course, it is also a matter of embarrassment. But I don't trust myself, O Lord! I must pray for strength, day by day. I am but such a frail youth, bent over by the burden that lies on my back. O Forgiveness! O Grace! O God of Second Chances! Come to my aid and change me. Grant me understanding! Lead me to your truth! I've not been so direct in my petition for a long time. I suppose I have lost my foundation of belief that you can really make a difference in my life. But here I am, with a battered body and failing strength and faculties. I want to admit that I am broken. Please come into me once more and live in this cracked piece of pottery!

A broken spirit
and a contrite heart,
You will not despise
You will not despise.

You desire truth
in the inmost parts.
A broken spirit
and a contrite heart.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Giving Up

2007-01-28T18:20:00.000+08:00

i wonder whether i'm the only one out the 6 of us who's wrestling with God. everybody's putting up posts about spiritual growth and disciplines, while all i've been typing for the past 4 weeks is my state of lostness in this Chirstian life.

after one and a half months of struggling in getting back into a close relationship with Christ, i feel like giving up. i feel as if i want to just be contented with my relationship with Him now which is knowing that i'm in His will but not hearing Him, feeling His presence or having any excitement for Him. i won't give up the faith, but i do feel like giving up on serving.

i'm struggling with the other youth leaders in YF. i just can't seem to communicate with them. whatever i do, i don't get support from them. it seems like i'm running a one-man show with all the younger ones under me. why don't the YF just break up and they can run one group while i run the other. alternatively, i'll just back out and let them lead. maybe i'll be even happier that way. no responsibilities. i've to keep backing up those young ones in the committee and defend all the arrows that are targeted towards them through me. why not just let go? retreat and let them take over. i've not been hearing God anyway.

i can't be silent for long nowadays. just a few minutes being silent or praying, then my mind wanders off somewhere. i'll tell myself that there's no point in having this quiet time and i'll just go off and do something else.

led worship yesterday with the songs 'His strength is perfect' by steven curtis chapman and 'thank you Lord for the trials that come my way...' i didn't sing these songs for fun. i really want to mean it, but i don't want to strive anymore. when i was preparing to lead worship, i didn't really hear God. i did spend some 2 hours preparing but the choice of songs seemed to be from me--what i felt like singing.

this whole week, i've been baking cookies to sell to church members to raise funds for johor flood victims. on the first or second day of baking, i started having toothache, which i later found out to be a serious cavity. still i had to continue for the rest of the week. then yesterday after returning from YF where i led worship, i finally came down with fever. my toothache was the cause of this and headache. at least my responsibilities were over. but still, where was God in all this? after doing everything, the main reason for doing these seem to be invisible in the picture.

i don't feel like bothering about trying to sit in silence and wait upon Him anymore. i don't feel as if i'll ever be on high for Him anymore. will i just by this end my growth in Christ? will this be the end just like many "Sunday adults" now who've once had a fervor for God? something tells me no, but what do i have to do on my part?

BLESSED

Blessed are those who dwell in Your house.
They are ever praising You.
Blessed are those whose strength is in You.
Whose hearts are set on our God.

We will go from strength to strength,
‘Til we see You face to face.

CHORUS
Hear our prayer, O Lord God Almighty.
Come bless our land, as we seek You,
Worship You.

BRIDGE
For You are holy.
For You are holy.
For You are holy, Lord.

Honesty II

2007-01-24T17:52:00.000+08:00

I have been reading two Psalms each day for quiet time; right now I am at Psalm 108.

The Psalms is a collection of songs to the Lord which encompasses the whole range of human emotion, from elation to anguish, from anger to sorrowful repentance. Look at the uninhibited cries of despair in Psalm 88:

O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you
Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

I don't know how it is in the Hebrew, but in this translation the last line has a terrifying ring of finality in the way it ends so abruptly. In general, the Psalms end fairly upbeat, in the style of "though my sorrow may last for a night, His joy comes in the morning," but this particular Psalm has the usual expected ending choked off by a vision of the encircling darkness.

But is it a menacing, malicious darkness? Are the previous cries of the Psalmist's heart accusations at all? Though there is deep sorrow and anguish in this lament, there is no tone of bitterness, nothing which indicates a sense of betrayal. The psalmist reaches no real conclusion in this outburst, except for the one he started out with: this is “the Lord, the God who saves [him].”

This Psalm is in fact a prayer (as all the Psalms are), a fact indicated near the beginning in the line “may my prayer come before you.” I am in awe of this prayer. This is not a prayer that starts in an affirmation of God’s greatness, holiness, or goodness; the person who prayed this prayer threw all conventions out of the window in the face of extreme anguish. He just assumed God’s goodness and readiness to hear his prayer—this faith released him to fully express his state of despair and isolation. I find that often I do not have the courage or honesty to bring all of myself before God. Somehow I assume that a good Christian ought to feel good before God—whatever “good” might mean. This is why I pray through journaling sometimes, because it forces me to be honest about how I really feel about God and about my life.

Worship: Experience and Expression

2007-01-19T22:31:00.000+08:00

We are probably familiar with the well-known predicament of singing worship songs without meaning the words, or 'with our hearts elsewhere'; we've probably sat in on discussions on the subject of wallpaper worshippers; we're likely part of that very wallpaper at times too.

But I wonder, can't worship also be a way to release pent-up emotions?

One night at d'NA Stage 3, we sang that song whose chorus goes "...I will go to the ends of the earth, to the ends of the earth..." and Michael said something to the effect of, "Why do you all sing 'to the ends of the earth' when even 'to the end of the street' is something most of us would find hard to do?"

Subsequently I became very conscious of the lyrics of many songs we take for granted.

But lately, I think I'm beginning to appreciate my Pentecostal roots. There is something in the loud worship that reminds me so much of U2 concerts (although personally, the former falls short of the latter in musical terms :-P), and the thing about U2 is that they try to capture a feeling, an emotion, whenever they perform live.

On the day that U2 lead singer Bono's father died, the band were scheduled to perform that very night. They didn't cancel, and Bono considered that concert a liberating experience in the midst of such grief.

And to me, though sometimes we may not mean the words (or may not even know what the words mean!), I think there is something liberating about the act of singing. Lately I've learnt to enjoy that 'ends of the earth' song simply as a song, and it really feels much better that way, rather than sitting in the congregation feeling more guilt than anything else over the relative impossibility of the words.

I guess it isn't limited to the Pentecostal experience; there is also something mystical about the Orthodox church, something less about the logic and more about the feeling and the presence of the whole worship experience.

Streams of living water, not merely to analyse... but to drink, and to drink deeply.

Accountability

2007-01-18T19:42:00.001+08:00

i'm still continuing in my pursue for God but not close. i don't know how to put it. maybe you guys could pray for me. or even better, pray with me. would like to let you guys know that my mentor, paul long is migrating to new zealand tomorrow. i'm a spiritual orphan now. not that i'll die or anything, but i really treasured that mentoring relationship. i'm looking for accountability partners now. can i look to you 5 for that? or are we already accountable to each other. coz i don't really feel it. anybody up for proper accountability?

"I am the Way"

2007-01-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

Sometimes a thought grips you such that you cannot allow it to go unwritten, or in this case, unblogged.

I will be sitting for my Driving Test this Friday, and having seen virtually all my friends get their licences before me, I've heard numerous stories about the test, including the ubiquitous tales of bribery. And as I prepare for my turn, I can't help but ponder this question.

Uncle Philip, my instructor (the same one who taught Audrey) told me not to worry. He said he'd talk to the JPJ officer(s). I don't know if he means that I don't need to bribe, or if he's somehow included money for the bribe in the fees he's been charging me all this while.

As far as I'm concerned, the fees are reasonable enough; my piano and art teachers were far more exorbitant compared to the fees charged by commercial music and art centres.

But while I was walking my dogs after today's driving lesson, two things came to mind: Frederick Buechner's essay 'The Road Goes On' and Jesus' words of reinstation to Peter.

Buechner quotes Tolkien's Bilbo Baggins in that essay;

The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone,
And I must follow if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then?
I cannot say.

And he ends with these words;

The world is full of dark shadows to be sure, both the world without and the world within, and the road we've all set off on is long and hard and often hard to find, but the word is trust. Trust the deepest intuitions of your own heart. Trust the source of your own truest gladness. Trust the road. Above all else, trust him. Trust him. Amen.

Here is the account in the Gospel of John:

The third time [Jesus] said to [Peter], "Simon son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

--John 21:17-19 (NIV)

What I realised was this: there are times when we will be lead where we do not want to go. I'm not directly referring to driving and bribery, but I realised that I was allowing fear to take over me. And yet here we find that Jesus' commission to Peter was hardly encouraging: what kind of leader tries to spur his follower on with a foretaste of death?

Am I sometimes being led where I do not want to go? And yet the road 'goes ever on and on'. Buechner opened his essay with the famous John 14:6 verse;

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life."

He is the God of the road, the God of the way. The God who is the way. Of what should I be afraid? Even when we are led where we do not want to go, there is nothing to fear. Not because God is there, or even because God sends us, but in a mysterious way, God is the path we take. And so as the proverb-writer said, the steps of the wise are directed by God.

He is the God of the path, the God of the petal shower. The God of the petal-showered path.

Amen.

Corporate Prayer

2007-01-15T02:17:00.000+08:00

As I was reflecting on prayer and my prayer life a couple of days ago, I noted that though I have become more regular and disciplined in prayer and learned to spend more time in prayer since coming to Calvin College, there was something missing. Something I had been dimly aware for some time but could not quite put my finger on. Something that is not even in many books about prayer.

I haven't prayed together with someone else in a really long time.

Oh, we pray in Bible study and in accountability group. We have corporate prayer in church. I even attend chapel where Tuesdays are reserved for prayer. But I haven't gotten together with a group for the purpose of prayer.

Much of what I have learned about prayer, I have learned from praying with my family, with my CF, with my YF leaders, with church members at prayer meetings. I consider these to be more valuble than the talks and books I have heard and read about prayer. The talks and books helped me to understand prayer, but praying with more experience "pray-ers" taught me how to pray.

I miss the intimacy I have felt with others, knowing we are of one mind and heart, desiring the same things. I miss affirming the prayers of others and having mine affirmed in return. I miss being able to pause in prayer and have someone else take over - it is a little harder to pause and rest in prayer when there is dead silence. Without something to focus on, my mind tends to wander.

The Barnabas leaders (student Christian leaders/mentors) in my dorm tried to get a prayer group together last semester. It fell through because they picked a bad time to start (two weeks before finals is not a good time to try to get people to do something). Perhaps it is time for round two?

2007-01-11T19:33:00.000+08:00

i opened Your Word to find direction, but i failed to hear Your voice. i slam the book shut, frustrated. i sat down to pray, but i felt like i was talking to space. i took a walk to feel the breeze, but the leaves stood still.

i told myself that i will be angry with You. i've been seeking You earnestly for the past 3 weeks, but You still refuse to show Your face. You refuse to grant me intimacy with You! others can curse You and be angry with You. why can't i?

as i lay in bed, i tried to plant hatred towards God in my mind. i tried to think of all the injustice He had done to me. soon, i ran out of words against Him, but chose to hate Him anyway. as i lay in bed to sleep, i told myself that i will take a long time to fall asleep because of all the hatred that i had intentionally build up in me, but i opened my eyes the next second to the darkness of the morning. and there, the first word that came to my mouth were praises to Him. i couldn't hate Him, however hard i tried. He wouldn't let me!

Honesty

2007-01-11T15:04:00.000+08:00

I find it difficult to be honest with myself. I blame the repercussions of modernity. Modern science and modern philosophy is skeptical of anything non-material, often intellectually negating the presence of the spiritual realm. This has created a culture that doesn’t see a need for God who is the source of existence. We only apprehend a need to interpret existence through the human mind, which leads us to rationalize our problems rather than bring them before God.

What have I just done? I have rationalized my problem. I took it in terms of my cultural context and found a place to lay the blame.

Let’s try again:

There are many reasons why it is difficult to tell myself the truth about me. The first glaringly obvious one is that I do not know the truth of myself. It is too big to take in at a glance. It sounds like a rather egocentric view, but in essence the part that is to big to grasp is our capacity for relationships. Our ability to view and interpret scientific or social relationships is something which makes us different from animals. In some ineffable way, we humans are linked to eternity—we also have a spiritual relationship. We have a relationship with the living God, whether we are aware of it or not. We may know nearly everything there is to know about the anatomy and chemistry of the human body, but many claim to know nothing about what happens after death. If the world continues for more eons, science will eventually exhaust its fields of research. What more can be known about living, and what more can be done to extend the length of our lives? But we can never come to the end of knowing God.

So I started with trying to know myself and ended with knowing God. It seems that if I really want to know the me beyond the atoms and electrical impulses, the person I need to know is God, who created me and knows me. Anyway, if God created everything, from the natural laws to the creatures governed by them, then there is no knowledge which is apart from God. I mean to say that God is the source of all knowledge, not that God is all knowledge in the pantheistic sense. “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free,” etc.

Still Wandering

2007-01-09T21:19:00.000+08:00

Alissa, Soo Tian, David and Tee Ming have all put up entries here over the past week. I suppose it is my turn now.

I've been very busy adjusting to the life of a (substitute) Biology teacher in school, and haven't had much time to actually sit and read and write and think, short of sending two letters to friends in NS: Yen Mii in Bentong, Pahang, and Wei-Xun in Mersing, Johor.

One theme that keeps recurring in my life lately is Discipleship. As I mentioned on my blog, I bought Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship but haven't had time to read it yet. The only book I'm reading at the moment is A Room Called Remember, a collection of Frederick Buechner's uncollected essays.

I don't know if it's just a phase--actually, everything is more or less a phase since life is so short--but I seem to be wandering once again. While Alissa and Ming have set forth their New Year resolutions, I've only resolved up to 31st December 2006. This year is, so far, just an adventure in which I'm taking each day as it comes--no long-term plans whatsoever. Yet.

Maybe I've just been too busy. Or maybe this is the way I want to live for now. Just wandering and enjoying all that life has to throw at me.

There was a time when almost everything I wrote was of a reflective, theological nature. I think that was in 2004, on the now defunct mBlog. Then by the end of that year I had switched over to Blogger. Also, there was TM Squared. The last two years saw a gradual increase in photoblogging, with theology being somewhat more sporadic. And now, I somehow feel it's time to give my brain a little more headroom.

When I decided to be more reserved at d'NA Stage 3, Michael said he didn't think that was the way I was supposed to be. That is true; I still enjoy conversation and discussion, but not so much the 'weighty' and 'meaty' stuff as I used to. The recent trip to Seremban is a case in point ('case in point'... is this the right phrase?); those present would likely testify that it was a somewhat different Ben in Seremban.

Or perhaps nothing has really changed, and I'm just the same. Everything is just the same. I don't really know. Even familiar surroundings can feel alien at times, and there is always something familiar about even the most foreign of environments.

Frederick Buechner wrote in his preface to A Room Called Remember, "Even at our most believing, I think, we have our serious reservations just as even at our most unbelieving we tend to cast a wistful glance over our shoulders."

I am somewhere in between, neither at my most believing nor most unbelieving, which probably means I have serious reservations and cast wistful glances in a more or less balanced amount and intensity. Which, I suppose, makes me some sort of disciple, some sort of follower; never quite sure what on earth or in heaven or in hell I am doing on this road, but too hopeful to leave it.

Let us listen, let us hear. Akouo.

I love You, my Lord Jesus!

2007-01-08T20:32:00.000+08:00

It has been two weeks since my silent retreat with Alissa. it is true, i found God there. At least, i knew that i could return to Him. i know that He was just calling me home to Him.

I had been serving in youth and doing my devotions without experiencing Him. i've been praying words based on the truth of his Word and His promises, yet i never really expected from Him. i've never really believed that His promises were for me. What a waste! After all the experiences and knowledge he has given me, all could offer was just empty words which impressed others. how could the ministry i led have grown when i did not?

last year crashed down on me after STPM, when i realised how empty and undirected i was. i had been busy studying and praying that God would give me the strength and perseverance to study my target of 8 hours a day. "He cannot deny Himself." He remained faithful and granted me my request. and there i was after STPM thinking that i would be relieved, but it striked me that i was not. the freedom i had expected did not come. i was struggling to find out where i was and what i was going to do next. life felt so messy. i had not allowed God to talk to me.

i felt His assurance to return to him at the retreat. there i made a commitment to spend time to wait upon Him each day. yet maybe it has been too long since i sat silently in his presence. i came home happy but i couldn't spend the amount of time i used to be able to spend with Him. i still struggle to recover that intimacy with Him. each night, i persevere in reading His Word despite feeling that distance between us. i know that one day i will feel intimate once more.

another thing i'm struggling with is the discipline of fasting. i have not fasted for at least 4 months. and i can't bring myself to it now. i have nobody to encourage me on and i just can't decide to do it. i pray for friends and for accountability partners.

my post is quite disorganised. i'm still partially lost. i'm waiting to see what God has in store for me. i am still His and will remain His forever. I love You, my Lord Jesus! hear my declaration and my cry.

Change

2007-01-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

It seems to me that most of us do not expect real change. We do not expect others to change, nor do we expect ourselves to change. We speak of praying, reading the Bible, and practicing other spiritual disciplines. Sometimes, we do not only speak of these things but actually do them.

Yet, when we do these things and nothing much seems to happen, we often accept that as the norm. There is a little frustration, a little questioning, and then resignation. When change does occur, we are shocked! In a way, that is an appropriate response - God's grace is amazing; nonetheless, does not our lack of expectancy betray a lack of belief that God will transform us?

An irate young man attends church. He has grown up in a Christian family. He attends church faithfully, belongs to a small group, even has regular devotions. Yet, his grumpiness does not change. He gets a job and becomes a husband and a father, but his irritability does not change. He ends up a grumpy old man. Nobody at church is surprised! Nobody asks: what is wrong with this picture? Of course he should not behave like this. Of course he should know better. But, he goes to church, he attends a small group, he reads the Bible and prays, so let us not worry too much about the rest.

Let us not worry too much about the rest?! If decades of attending church, reading the Bible, and praying do not result in change, something is desperately wrong. And yet, we often fail to notice the problem: we settle for having a form of religion but not it's power.

There are, however, a few groups of people that, regardless of denomination or church, seem to experience change more often than others:

Children. We expect children to change! We realize that children are not yet fully developed, that they have lessons to learn, and so we expect them to change. Children tend to be responsive and have yet to develop a cynicism that causes the rest of us to question the possibility of change. They also tend not to question the need for change - in fact, most can't seem to wait to grow up!

Youth. For all our stubbornness (when Thomas Edison was asked what advice he would give to youth, he said: "Youth doesn't take advice), youth have one quality that is vital to change: belief. Youth tend to believe that anything is possible. We are invincible, indomitable, and we go about everything with a gung-ho attitude. We often bite off far more than we can chew and adults often complain about "hangat hangat tahi ayam," but on occasion, our recklessness actually allows us to accomplish more than anyone thinks possible! Our belief that anything is possible is often misplaced; yet, that belief is necessary for change.

New converts. New converts look at the Christian life with a fresh perspective. It is new and desirable to them. Additionally, they tend to realize their desperate need to change whereas we Christians, leading the same kind of life may think we are doing just fine. There is a gratefulness and a realization of freedom. There are high expectations of the new life that God offers. Unfortunately, we human beings cannot seem to sustain gratefulness, realization of freedom, and expectation for long. A study showed that the average Christian will tell more people about Christ in the first six months after conversion that he will in the rest of his life. It would not be surprising if there is a correlation between that and change.

If only change were as easy as mentally visualizing it, logically organizing it, and verbalizing it with a blog post. And yet change we must. Change we must and continually changing we must be, if we are to be attractive and effective witnesses to those around us.

Fires of Justice and Love

2007-01-04T10:23:00.000+08:00

For Christmas, I received a devotional book with the title "Breakfast for the Soul". It contains more than a hundred little devotionals from various Christian authors. The funny thing was Liz found it at the cookery books section in Popular. Brilliant work of sorting indeed.

Today's reading was one by A. W. Tozer. In it he wrote:

"The truth is that God is the most winsome of all beings and His service one of unspeakable pleasure. He is all love, and those who trust Him need never know anything but that love. He is just, indeed, and He will not condone sin; but through the blood of the everlasting covenant He is able to act toward us exactly as if we had never sinned. Toward the trusting sons of men His mercy will always triumph over justice."

As of late, I've been confronted with a few views of God. From what I see, we can either emphasize God's justice or his grace.

When we emphasize God's justice (some would prefer the word "righteousness"), then we have notions of punishment and divine retribution. Over the years, I believe my image of God has been changed from one who is a harsh parental figure to a more loving one. Just last Friday, as usual I went for lunch at a family friend's house. While we were there our host shared with us about two .mp3 files he had gotten hold of a prophecy against Malaysia by an American modern-day prophetess, Nita Johnson. According to her, Malaysians are guilty of the sin of compromise, which has crippled our sharing of the gospel. Thus God is not pleased and intends to punish us for our fault(s). I listened to about 50 minutes of the first .mp3 file, wondering, "Does God still operate - assuming he did in the Old Testament - in this manner? Can all the calamities in this world today be interpreted in the light of chastisement from the heavens?"

To reconcile the beliefs that God is both love and justice, sometimes I think of God as a parent who almost unwillingly disciplines his children. This God punishes the ones he loves with great inner distress, almost saying, "This is hurting me more than this is hurting you!"

But is this a cop-out? Or worse, a distorted picture of God?

Let me quote again the last line of the excerpt from my devotional by Tozer:

"Toward the trusting sons of men His mercy will always triumph over justice."

Is this emphasis on God's love a watering down of the gospel? Is it an inaccurate portrayal of the God who is holy, who is righteous, who is fair and who is just? Is this a God who is like a grandparent, offering candy at every opportunity, forgiving his naughty grandchildren easily and doting on them -- almost to the state of abscess? Is a good God one who just overlooks our iniquities? Is that really good? Is all of this possible simply because Christ died for us and our relationship with God is now no longer the same as before?

Brian McLaren in his controversial book "The Last Word and the Word after That" suggested that after God's "final" word of justice ("The Last Word"), there's always the word of grace ("the Word after That"). How exactly this works out he does not attempt to theorize, but the idea in itself is an intriguing one, one that fills me with a certain amount of hope.

I pray that over time, I shall find some answers as I wrestle with this issue.

2007-01-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

Tee Ming and I have decided to start blogging as a spiritual discipline. We will blog at least once a week for this year about our walk with God. The posts do not have to be long or deep—as long as we write something. This is simultaneously an attempt to redeem akouo from inactivity.

Due to the downed cable in Taiwan, I could not upload this earlier. So here it is now:

Reflections For The Year 2006
30/12/2006

This year I experienced loss, and unknowingly went through the five stages of response to death: denial/shock, bargaining, anger, depression and finally, acceptance. I did not see this until the final stage, when I truly accepted my aunt’s death. In all my experience of life, I find that I never really know what path I have taken until I have walked it and turn to look back. That is the wisdom of hindsight. But the only way to “take note of the highway” as we walk along it, is to take our wisdom from the Word: “Your Word is a lamp unto my path and a light unto my feet.” And the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord. The end of wisdom? To live out our true selves as children of God created in His image for His glory.

I come out of this year feeling like a broken-winged butterfly in the Creator’s hands. A silly butterfly, who flew into a thicket of thorns and had to be extracted by the tender hands of the person she was flying away from. This year I did a foolish thing and trusted my judgment over God’s. I didn’t like the pain He was making me go through so I went to look for my own palliatives. A principle to remember: such an attitude results in self-inflicted pain which is the worst kind possible, I would think. Next, nobody does on purpose what they consider to be foolish. As a teacher of the Word, I already knew this (harsher judgment on teachers, yikes!) but I was living recklessly. This was the year I lapsed in every discipline, from emailing mentors, friends and prayer partners to quiet time and prayer. That is why next year will be a year of constant self-checks through weekly blogging and through accountability with mentors.

One of the things I love best about life is that it can be shared. Writing and talking is only communication. But in Christ, we have a heavenly participant in all earthly communication—every conversation is overheard in heaven and becomes a prayer. Sharing lives is not just telling others about it; it is done through caring, through prayer, through a communication that is really a communion with Christ and with the church. Happy blogging everyone! I hope akouo really takes off next year.

The Great Hwa Celebration

2006-08-05T20:28:00.000+08:00

I have attended more weddings than any nineteen-year old has a right to (and none which bride or bridegroom I have any relation to!), pledged to do all in my power to uphold these marriages (oops!), and eaten at the (long!) dinners that followed. I've seen weddings that have been presentations, gatherings, performances, and reunions; sadly, not all have been celebrations.

You see, in the midst of getting the perfect wedding, some couples (and their family and friends) forget the discipline of celebration.

The discipline of celebration? "An oxymoron!", you say. Well, it takes discipline to relax. It takes discipline not to run around getting everything done "just right" when it is time to celebrate, cheer, and go a little wild.

Few weddings have exemplified "celebration" as much as "The Great Hwa Wedding" did. It wasn't the five pastors (inclusive of an actual bishop!) running the service (and the multiple others attending). It was...

It was the almost seamless service conducted in English and Cantonese for the benefit of the bride's family who, I understand, are non-Christians. The flawless transition in songs, polished translation, and vows in English by the groom and in Cantonese by the bride all served to make everyone at home, at ease, and welcome. Unlike many other bilingual services, this one did not drag or even feel lengthy - such work had been put into it.

It was the freedom to laugh when the ceremony did not quite go right: when the bride started giggling immediately after exchanging rings and saying her vows - giggling that bubbled over into laughter that made her double over (the usually solemn moment was a rather joyous one); when the largely English-speaking congregation wasn't sure when the Cantonese translation had finished and thus failed to respond; when the liturgist (pastor) announced the cut-caking that would follow in the canteen.

It was the immaculate preparation and decoration that had been done before-hand, so that on-the-spot running around was kept to a bare minimum (at least as far as I could tell), allowing everyone to fully participate.

It was the many people who had been touched by the Hwa family(s) in their many years of ministry and who really wished the bride and bridegroom the very best. Spontaneous clapping took place at every juncture of the ceremony.

It was the relaxed attitude and genuine fun that all shared. One Rev Hwa was in such a jovial mood that his son asked, "Pa, are you drunk?", and various irreverent youth speculated on whether Jesus had turned the water in this particular "jar of clay" into wine.

Such celebration - for once, I regretted that the wedding service was too short - such celebration could not be possible without discipline.

Thomas Kempis, the Inspiration of the Methodist Church?

2006-07-17T11:16:00.000+08:00

John Wesley read Thomas Kempis' book, The Imitation of Christ, while in his youth - just before or during his time at Oxford. While he felt that Kempis was in error in refusing to enjoy anything in this world and in monastic isolation, he also recognized a call to holiness that was very absent from the overwhelmingly Christian population of England. The influence of Thomas Kempis' and other similar writings led Wesley to question his own faith and salvation and begin a search over a period of many years for what it meant to be a Christian, and what it meant to be saved.

At the end of his search, Wesley came to the conclusion that we are saved by grace alone, through faith alone. However, going against the grain of his time, he closely associated faith and holiness, proclaiming along with James that "faith without works is dead," - that faith without evidence of change of life and heart and growth toward holiness could not be saving faith, but rather the faith of the devil who "believes that there is a God and shudders." His rationale was this: if a person did not grow toward holiness (given the opportunity and proper teaching) it was either because that person did not know God's love and grace and thus could not respond to it, or knew God's love and grace yet failed to respond to it. In the first case, the person had not received salvation; in the second, the person had rejected it.

Sin, in Wesley's mind, is the opposite of faith. Willful sin (as opposed to sin of ignorance, poor judgment, etc) - whether sin of commission or omission - has no place in the Christian life. While an act of willful sin does not invalidate a Christian's faith an salvation, Wesley held it as a matter of utmost seriousness. This was in deep contrast to the practice of his day and, may I say, the practice of today in which forgiveness is emphasized, repentance is made easy, and the topic of sin is rarely touched upon. Few Christians are repulsed by the thought or idea of sin - that is how comfortable we have become with it.

John Wesley's insistence on holiness and the seriousness with which he viewed sin caused an uproar in the Church of England and in the larger society. The Methodist Society (which was still under the Church of England) went through great opposition, even persecution. Still, the movement grew. In his defense of the use of laity in ministry, he said, "Give me a hundred men who love nothing but God and fear nothing but sin...for such men will storm the very gates of hell." His statement proved true as the Methodist revival became the longest lasting revival since the early church, and became known as the Second Reformation.

Many non-Christians today are uncomfortable with the idea that it is possible to be saved merely by believing that Jesus died for our sins - and in a way, they are right. We are saved by grace alone, through faith alone, but faith without works is dead. We do not preach holiness as we should, and we forget that we are called to "be perfect, even as our Father in heaven is perfect." Oh that we would understand God's love, and because we fear anything that would separate us from it - however briefly - we would fear sin and strive for holiness in such a way that all around us would either mock us or wonder at the power of God in our lives and thus be drawn to Him.

Reflections: The Imitation of Christ

2006-06-26T22:57:00.000+08:00

I must say that The Imitation of Christ irked me on many counts. The basic premise of total and utter dependence on God is sound. However, at various points, the author seemed to portray the physical as evil (as opposed to the spiritual, which is good). He maintained that we should not delight in anything in this world (should we not appreciate God's creation? can I not enjoy eating my roti canai and satay?). He even put forth the idea that we should not look to others for consolation and support, but be only dependent on God, which (I feel) borders dangerously on a lone-ranger mentality. Being a big believer in the importance of community and accountability, the last point triggered an alarm in my belief system every time I came across it.

Having said all that, I understand where Thomas a Kempis is comping from, and wonder if I will ever be able to depend upon God as far as he writes. Recently, I have been meditating upon the need to come to God empty, devoid of everything, and the importance of "going for broke" for God. What am I willing to give up? I disagree with Kempis when he says I should not take pleasure in anything but (spiritual communion with) God and should disassociate myself from my friends, but I recognize the need to be ready to give up any pleasure and friendship. Am I up to that challange?

The point is this: I have never been particularly attached to possesions or wealth - I have seen my parents more than content with the basics of life and have adopted that for my own. My one vice would be computer games - and I think I have learnt when to put those aside. I might even be willing to give up the little pleasures of life - and yes, I have considered the cost of my reputation, a question I cannot easily answer, but hope, by God's grace, to persevere. Career I believe I have given over to God. Until reading this book though, I had not considered the love of family and friends (separation and death seems much easier). It is indeed a scary price - a sacrifice I hope I never have to make, or even consider making. In light of the family and friends I have, I doubt I will have to do so. Still, there it is. If anyone would not deny his own father and mother for My sake...

Thoughts on a passage from Hebrews

2006-06-16T19:33:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I've typed a post like this. The style dates back to the days of TMsquared, so I've decided to put it up here, despite it already being on my blog. Besides, going into Hebrews was inspired by something I read in Brother Lawrence's book.

A few days ago (I can't remember exactly whether it was Tuesday or Wednesday), I scanned the book of Hebrews for the verse on 'approaching the throne of grace with confidence', and found it in the fourth chapter. Reading from my pocket New American Standard Bible, I was struck by the preceding verses, linked in groups by the word 'therefore'.

I shall first quote Hebrews 4:7-16 from the NASB (paragraphing mine).

He again fixes a certain day, "Today," saying through David after so long a time just as has been said before,

"TODAY IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE,
DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS."

For if Joshua had given them rest, He would not have spoken of another day after that. So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His.

Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

The New International Version begins the passage with:

"Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today..."

Today if we hear his voice, let us not harden our hearts. To me, it's like what C.S. Lewis wrote in The Screwtape Letters, that the Present is the only place where we are given grace and can make decisions and choices. The Past is frozen and the Future is unknown, but our problems and circumstances impinge upon us in the Present.

Petra wrote, in their song 'Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda':

"Tomorrow is a chance that may not come
Today is still the day God gives us to see things done."

Since God has given us this gift of the Present which no power in earth, heaven or hell can take away, how are we to respond? Verses 11 to 13 indicate that we are to be diligent to enter God's rest, persevering that none should fall by disobedience.

But what is this 'rest' that we are to enter? Surely it is not that we are to sleep all day, or desire permanent rest in death. Instead, I think St Augustine gave us a hint when he said, "Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee." And I think it is echoed in the life of Brother Lawrence, who found himself at all times living in the tangible presence of God.

Sometimes, this rest is peace; sometimes, it is assurance; at others, it may be conviction; at all times it involves constantly obeying God's Word and pursuing righteousness, desiring the company and presence of God.

The 'Word of God' in this passage has often been taken to refer to the Bible, but it works equally well in context when applied to Jesus Christ himself. Brian McLaren in his New Kind of Christian trilogy, again and again stresses that we will be judged, in the end, not by a set of rules or a court system, but by the character of Christ himself. The question is, how much have we been conformed to the image of Christ?

Nothing is hidden from God, and we will not be able to defend ourself against our Judge, for he already knows everything, and far more than we ever will. A human judge can only consider actions, but God pierces through to the secret thoughts and intentions of the heart, as the account of the woman at the well (John 4) shows. Thus the NIV translates verse 13:

"Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

Would that the Christian walk were that simple! Yet these verses are a stumbling block to many (if not most or all) Christians, for we have all fallen short of the grace of God through our sin, and sometimes we even try to hide from him. This is not new, for even Adam, Eve and Cain attempted to conceal their shame. And in the account of John 8:1-11, Jesus himself told the bloodthirsty mob, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone [at the adulterous woman]." One by one the mob disbanded.

But our hope is greater than anything we can ever fear. For Jesus, who is our Judge, is also our Great High Priest, the mediator between man and God. He experienced everything we experience, from temptation and thirst to depression and drudgery; indeed, the entire plethora of human emotions are found embodied in the character of Jesus Christ, and there is no shortage of them upon the rich pages of the Gospels.

Jesus can, and does, sympathise with our weaknesses. And he intends that we share in his victory, that in our temptation we may not fall, and in our moments of weakness we shall not be crushed. Indeed, he is the Way, the Truth and the Life. So the NIV exhorts us:

"...let us hold firmly to the faith we profess."

Having considered God's calling, our rightful response and the way God has prepared for us, the passage concludes with the verse I sought in the beginning, which I now quote from The Message, along with verse 15:

"We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all —- all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help."

The chorus of the song 'As David Did' goes:

"We can come before Him, and worship Him today
We can now adore Him, Jesus made a way."

Maybe we've tried bringing our problems to Jesus. And maybe they didn't disappear as we thought they would. Is that any reason for not continuing to do so? For seated on the throne of grace is not a genie, but God Almighty, and it is not our duty to make sure the genie obeys, but that God is obeyed. And he asks us to bring all that we are before him: our good days as well as our bad days, our devilish side as much as our angelic side.

Indeed, as Lewis wrote in The Great Divorce, we are to make no mistake about it. There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "Thy will be done." For God will not force himself upon those who refuse to obey him, any more than the ears of the deaf pick up sound waves.

As I typed the above, I realise I have described an ideal which I am still far from achieving. Lewis said with a candid graveness in The Four Loves, that "Those like myself whose imagination far exceeds their obedience are subject to a just penalty."

Nevertheless, this entry testifies that so long as God gives me breath, I will seek him, and I will commit myself to living for Him in every area of my life, doing things His way. If I fail, I will seek His forgiveness; and if I should succeed, I will give thanks and move on. As for the penalty for my imagination, I will trust my Lord's judgement, for He is Master, not me.

To God be the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

Be Thou Our Vision

2006-06-11T21:53:00.000+08:00

Famous hymn, but when sung in church today, resonated on a whole new level with me. I think it echoes very much the spirit of those like Brother Lawrence and the Desert Fathers and Mothers (see Henri Nouwen's The Way of the Heart) who found themselves in God alone.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

A (very late) beginning

2006-06-09T14:31:00.000+08:00

OK, I have a confession: I just got my copy of Brother Lawrence's The Practice of the Presence of God two days ago. Yen would certainly not be surprised at this obvious display of procrastination.

The book begins with some thoughts under the heading 'A Pilgrim's Prayer,' which goes as follows:

-----------------------------------------------------
Lord of all pots and pans and things...
Make me a saint by getting meals
And washing up the plates!

Thus Brother Lawrence was able to turn even the most commonplace and menial task into a living hymn to the glory of God.

The conversation and letters of this humble but exalted lay brother have been compiled to show all of us how, at any moment and in any circumstance, the soul that seeks the companionship of God may find Him.
-----------------------------------------------------

I am struck by two things:

Firstly, the phrase 'a living hymn to the glory of God.'

Secondly, the idea that 'the soul that seeks the companionship of God may find Him.'

It is in the spirit of riding these two 'thematic waves' that I undertake the study of this book and meditation upon the thoughts therein.

Lessons from unexpected places

2006-05-26T18:27:00.000+08:00

Aboard the night train in early December of last year, one of us mentioned how reading ‘Spiritual Leadership’ by J. Oswald Sanders is a guilt trip. One reads about the “essential qualities” and habits of a leader, only to one by one recognize them as lacking in his/her own life (save for, as someone gleefully pointed out, that chapter called ‘the leader and reading’).

‘Celebration of Discipline’ may or may not be less of a guilt trip. For me, just thinking about the book brings to mind the different spiritual disciplines listed and discussed therein, and inevitably, how undisciplined I am.

One realization that’s struck me some weeks back is how it doesn’t have to take some distinguished volume off the Christian racks to stir up, rouse, motivate me about the disciplines. I’ve discovered something else that hasn’t failed to do the job just as, if not even more, effectively.

Although my duty is craft, I do join the singing (and much of the storytelling) session at my Sunday school class. A current favorite with the kids (preschoolers) is the “two house” song:

The wise man built his house upon the rock, (x3)
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up, (x3)
And the house on the rock stood firm.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand, (x3)
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up, (x3)
And the house on the sand went smash!

The kids would answer in unison that they want to be the wise man and not the foolish man. Little do they know that the cheh cheh standing (kneeling, actually. I like to come down to their height.) next to them cannot answer the same as confidently and enthusiastically. As my partner teacher starts flipping to the next song, I’d be left wondering just how much of my house is on rock and how much is on sand. It wasn’t like this when I was their age.

Then there’s this other, more straightforward, song:

Read your Bible, pray everyday,
Pray everyday, pray everyday.
Read your Bible, pray everyday,
You will grow, grow, grow. (x3)
Read your Bible, pray everyday,
You will grow, grow, grow!

Don’t read your Bible, forget to pray,
Forget to pray, forget to pray.
Don’t read your Bible, forget to pray,
You will shrink, shrink, shrink. (x3)
Don’t read your Bible, forget to pray,
You will shrink, shrink, shrink!

Ooh. Ouch… It wasn’t like this when I was their age.

Just goes to show that, Sunday school songs can and do speak to me even after I’ve ‘outgrown’ them. Learning is a lifelong process!

A thought for Holy Week

2006-04-10T09:55:00.000+08:00

A thought for Holy Week, and something I have been thinking about through Lent.

We tend to take for granted that we will be spiritually nourished by reading the Bible and going to church. Our experience often does not match up, however; we find our Bible readings to be dry and church services to be merely going through the motions. There are many reasons for that; sometimes we even need to go through such periods in order to grow. Nonetheless, shoudln't we pray for spiritual nourishment? Shouldn't we pray desperately for it?

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread -
Both physical and spiritual...

The Pursuit

2006-04-03T06:46:00.000+08:00

The Pursuit

Your life is not random. You do not believe that it is (though it seems that way at times). You certainly do not act that way (when was the last time you checked to see if the sky was raining hair-gel?). Somewhere in that muddled up brain of yours (and mine), you have at least a fuzzy idea of a goal or dream or hope. Never mind that you may not be able to articulate it. Never mind that it may not seem logical or rational to anyone, yourself included. Never mind that the goal may be as near-sighted as finding your next chocolate fix. You have at least a vague idea of how life works (or ought to), and your choices, actions, and habits are steering you more or less to what you hope is your destination.

The problem is, even when you are certain what place you want to go, you really are not sure just exactly how life works or exactly where your destination lies. Some “experienced” travelers hand out road maps, but they don’t match up. Also, you dig into your backpack to find 360 different compasses with 360 different directions for north.

How are you supposed to get anywhere?

What if your destination was of the utmost importance?

“Those who have heard the distant call deep within and who desire to explore the world of Spiritual Disciplines are immediately faced with two difficulties…The second difficulty is a practical one. We simply do not now how to go about exploring the inward life.”

When we turn to the pursuit of spiritual growth, we are faced with conflicting advice. We have heard everything from “Work out your salvation with fear and trembling” to “Be still and know that I am God”. Both ideas make sense and seem to be biblically true, but we cannot figure out how to put them together. The first is frustrating because the task is so immense we do not know where to start. Our best efforts often leave us wandering in circles or making progress in one area of our lives only to be tripped up by yet another. Trying the second option, we find ourselves tired of waiting when there seems to be no change and turn back to the first option or we become so comfortable waiting that we give up any active efforts to grow.

Who is ultimately responsible for our spiritual growth: us or God?

“Picture a long, narrow ridge with a sheer drop-off on either side. The chasm to the right is the way of moral bankruptcy through human strivings for righteousness…The chasm to the left is the moral bankruptcy through the absence of human strivings. On the ridge there is a path, the Disciplines of the spiritual life. This path leads to the inner transformation and healing for which we seek…As we travel on this path, the blessing of God will come upon us and reconstruct us into the image of Jesus Christ. We must always remember that the path does not produce the change; it only places us where the change can occur.”

Perhaps we cannot make sense of our destination. However, we can cry out for the guide. If we are prepared to let go of control without letting go of striving, obediently stay on the path he shows us, realize that our effort only leads us to a place where we are ready for God to change us, and are prepared to submit to his timetable for our spiritual growth, he will make sure we stay on the right path in the pursuit of our destination.

Hear ye, hear ye!

2006-03-19T14:11:00.000+08:00

montage tm2, originally uploaded by mincaye.

Ever since TMsquared began in June 2004, Soo Tian and I have collaborated on many things. Of these, some were instrumental in moulding us into God-following individuals, while others were *ahem* random adventures on various tangents.

But these pursuits, thoughtful and trivial, each played a part in landing us where we are now. And we feel it is time to expand and bring others into this adventure of ours.

After all, getting cooked alone by cannibals is no fun; but getting cooked in the same pot as your friends is a party: the more, the merrier!

The pictures above were taken at the KL Performing Arts Centre (KLPAC), where we watched a jazz performance on Friday night. The quintet, called Global Spirit, comprised of musicians from various parts of the world, and of various descent, hence the name.

Our move is in a similar direction. This isn't so much an expansion of TMsquared as it is an exploration of wholly new territory. And so a shift from an adventure of convergence (TMsquared) to one of divergence, is one that warrants, and in fact requires, a diverse team.

And for this, we have chosen Alissa, David, Yen Yen and Tee Ming. We now have three girls and three guys: of these, two Methodists, a Pentecostal, an Anglican, a Presbyterian and a Brethren.

Over the past two years, Soo Tian and I read through Eugene Peterson's Message paraphrase of the Bible, and studied the Wisdom Books. This time around, we are going to explore classical and contemporary works in the Christian tradition. They are:

1. Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline
2. John Bunyan, Pilgrim's Progress
3. Marvin Wong, Between Friends
4. Ronald Sider, Scandal of the Evangelical Conscience
5. Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God

In the spirit of divergence, we will not follow any particular order. The idea is simply to read all of them by the end of this year. This blog is for our thoughts along the way, something like a free space within which to chart our exploration.

'Akouo' means 'to hear,' and this is something I'm bad at. I am often quicker to speak than to listen, faster with the words than the wait, more eager to get something done than simply be still.

At least, for me, this is one of the reasons for expanding the vision of TMsquared. There is much I hope to learn from the books mentioned above; but it is the interaction with friends along the way, that I believe will shape me into the kind of person God wants me to be.

Along the way, there will probably be stumbles. As such, this blog is not just for abstract thoughts on our reading list, but also a place to express our trials and triumphs. We're not finished yet; God's not done with us. So let the journey begin!

Test Post

2006-03-02T23:22:00.000+08:00

There doesn't seem to be a Greek word for "a", but....

Get Life
Laqach Zoe
xql zwh/
law-kakh' dzo-ay'